


Sweet Apple Acres: For Sale by Owner

by Velvet_Divan



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Depression, Financial Issues, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 82,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23237911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvet_Divan/pseuds/Velvet_Divan
Summary: Applejack has tried everything she can think of to turn things around at her family farm, but every month brings disappointing sales and further expenses. She feels the weight of responsibility for the farm and its imminent failure bearing down on her harder every day, and every failed attempt to fix things drives her deeper into depression.Old habits kick in, and friends' searching questions are deflected, sidestepped, and eventually even answered with outright lies.Sweet Apple Acres, the Apple family, and even the Elements of Harmony are all in greater danger than all but one mare knows, or will admit.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. Alone in a Grove

Chapter One

Pinkie Pie's the-last-mug-of-cider-is-sold party was in full swing, and Sugarcube Corner practically bounced on its foundations from the force of the celebration within. I shied away from a fresh party cannon blast which sent an improbably-huge swarm of balloons sailing for the ceiling while curly-cue ribbons and rainbow-colored confetti rained down on us all. I took a moment to remove my Stetson and knock the confetti off, only to find Pinkie had slapped an enormous sheriff-star sticker on the hat at some point. It read 'best cider slinger' in a typeface I think I recognized from saloon signs. A slight smile tugged at my lips, while I resettled the hat.

"Applejack! Have you tried the punch yet?" The party-mare herself popped up not an inch in front of my nose.

"Uhh,"

"It's no Sweet Apple Acres cider, but it's not half bad! Or even one-quarter bad! Really, that's a pretty mean way to describe things, 'cuz even if it's one-thirtieth bad that still means somepony thinks there's something bad in there somewhere!" Pinkie stopped trying to push punch on me and reclined onto her tail, the fluffy mass somehow supporting all her weight and creaking like a spring. One bounce, two bounces, three bounces, before the town's resident party-pony gave up her reflecting to respond to a cry for more cookies in a distant corner of the shop.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in and moseyed my way toward a quieter corner populated with ponies who, at a glance, I didn't know well. I had a better shot at laying low there than with my friends; conversation really wasn't high on my wish-list tonight.

Halfway to the oasis of potential peace and quiet, I was intercepted by a pair of unicorns. Well, one was actually an alicorn these days, I had to keep reminding myself. Rarity and Twilight approached, grinning, Rarity dabbing at her chin with one of her many hankies.

"Applejack! Have you done any apple-bobbing yet? Twilight and I just finished up over there."

"No Gummy this time," Twilight smiled. "I just found a nice apple, no complaints there, but Rarity came up with a cute little gift basket. Who knows what else is in the tub?"

I nodded and grinned, slowly changing course towards the apple-bobbing tub. It was one of the major hubs of activity at the moment. "Well, I guess I'll give 'er a go then. Congrats on your find, Rarity!"

The two let me go, probably off to open up Rarity's prize and gush over its contents. My hoofsteps grew slower the closer I drew to the tub, but I still reached its edge eventually. Two of the cutie mark crusaders were there, Scootaloo balancing on Sweetie Belle's back in order to reach a spot closer to the middle of the tub.

Scootaloo's wings flared as her balance failed; I stretched out a foreleg in time to prevent a dunking. "Careful there, Scoots. Yer a prize, no two ways about it, but just the same I don't fancy pulling you out of there with my teeth."

Embarrassed, but dry, the two fillies scurried off to find more sugar. I leaned down over the edge of the tub, and caught my reflection in the water. What are you even doing here, AJ? You haven't had a lick of fun at the last dozen parties Pinkie has thrown. Oh, right. You show up so no one comes knocking on your door, asking what's wrong. Especially Pinkie... Attending these parties was draining enough. Being the focus of one would be much worse, and turning up the fake cheer until she was satisfied would take everything I had.

The Applejack in the water let her smile slip a moment. It was startling how fast the corners of my mouth crashed down, how the sparkle fled from my eyes, leaving a stressed and tired mare gazing up at me. I dunked my head right through her, eyes shut against the cool water, and snatched the first thing my teeth found. Setting the object down by my hooves, I raised a foreleg to swipe water from my eyes.

"Ooooh, you got a pineapple, AJ!" Pinkie, abruptly beside me, bounced in place while pointing at my prize. "Are they related to apples? Do you have any pineapple relatives?"

"Not hardly. And not that I know of," I chuckled, forcing up the laughter before a genuine yawn stretched my jaws. "Oh my, I think I'm plum tuckered out. Hope y'all don't mind if I go on home and hit the hay."

"Nah, go for it! I'll put some cake in the fridge for you to pick up tomorrow. I'm sure there'll be lots left! See ya then, Applejack!" Pinkie wrapped me up in a breath-stealing hug, then bounced back into the midst of the party.

I tossed the pineapple onto my back and trotted towards the door, nodding to ponies on my way out. Outside the shop, on the dark deserted streets of Ponyville, I felt no more alone than I had inside. Crossing pavement splashed with the glow from Sugarcube Corner's windows, I slipped beyond that pool of cheerful light into darkness, making my way back to the farm.

* * *

Most of my troubles lay with the farm, but I didn't resent the fields, the animal pens, the barn, and certainly not the farmhouse. Sweet Apple Acres was like a member of the family, though at the moment, an ailing one who needed extra tending.

"How many barrels did we sell this year...?" I totaled the sales in my head as I trotted along the road out of town. It was frustrating how many apples it took to produce a single barrel of cider. Each held about eight gallons, and it took nearly three hundred apples to fill each barrel. It took quite a bit of labor to make the sweet drink, but at least the overhead had always been manageable. Cider season and the zap apple harvest were the two most profitable points of the year for the farm.

"More like the only profitable points," I muttered, kicking a rock from the path into a ditch as I trotted along. Selling apples in the market and to Sugarcube Corner was enough to keep the farm operating, and the occasional bit of apple wood to carpenters or chefs for smoking brought in a few more bits. The animals represented a bit more income, but represented costs too. Numbers and deadlines swirled in my head, and none of them made me feel good about next year.

I passed through the gate to the farm, and as I drew near the barn a big silhouette resolved from the darkness by the pump. A wagon full of barrels was parked nearby.

"McIntosh! Don't tell me you skipped the party to do clean-up here?"

The silhouette raised his head from the barrel he was rinsing out. "Eeeyup." Splashing cold water over the cider-coated wood, he gave it a thorough scrubbing with a rag, another rinse, then tossed it into the wagon.

"We could've done that together in the mornin'. You earned a night off and a few treats, for pity's sake!" I sighed, tugging the rag away from him and shifting into position to help.

"Keg Tapper rents 'em by the day, and his rates went up this year. If these're back in his yard by mornin', we'll save fifty bits."

My stomach felt like it dropped onto the ground. "Fifty?! A day? No..." I ran the figures in my head again, and swayed on my hooves. I couldn't be sure without the books all in front of me, but I was almost sure that hike in overhead meant our true profits this year from cider season all but disappeared. The money was all earmarked to a point for absolute necessities, but we'd passed that point by a small margin this year. I'd had big plans for that small pile of bits, but they'd just evaporated before my eyes.

Mac pointed a soaked barrel my way, and I mechanically wiped it out, the sweet scent of cider and wet grass teasing my nose. I didn't realize I was crying until the hot salt reached my lips. One angry sniff and a swipe from my foreleg fixed that. If McIntosh saw in the dim moonlight, he pretended not to notice, shifting and sluicing the barrels one by one.

We finished within thirty minutes, and Mac waved off my offer to accompany him back to town. "Apple Bloom needs a talkin' to. I can see to this."

I watched him pull the huge cart with the massive stack of barrels out of sight, then gave myself a quick wash-up at the pump, the freezing water shocking the fatigue right out of me for the moment. I took it slow to the house anyways, not in any hurry to deal with whatever my little sister had done this time.

Inside, Apple Bloom sat in the time-out corner. As I entered, I caught her sneaking a glance back at an apparently-sleeping Granny Smith in her rocker. The flame-haired filly whipped her head back around to stare at the walls as I clomped inside and shut the door against the autumn chill.

"Well Granny, what's my sis gotten up to this time?"

Granny seemed to exert herself as much prying her eyes open as I would sprinting across town. "This young filly-dilly here decided her cutie mark might be as a royal guard, and with her two little friends, they tried to break into the guard post to try on armor or somesuch. On the way, they met—"

I cradled my face with a hoof and sighed. "Ah'm a mite tired, Granny. What's the upshot here? Who got hurt, or what was busted?"

Granny blinked with speed a slug would have found lethargic. "They crushed a guard air-chariot."

I sucked breath through my teeth.

"The three Crusaders are splittin' the cost of the damage, but our share still comes to 120 bits."

I hated the expression, it was so cliché, but it gets used a lot for a reason. My blood felt like it had turned to ice water, and my quickened breathing sounded loud in my ears. I felt the urge to run, but though a bill sitting on a table wouldn't chase me, it didn't have to.

"Apple Bloom. Ah'm _very_ disappointed in you! Go to bed. You're grounded 'til I say otherwise. Granny will take you to school in the mornings, and I'll pick ya up. You're not to go anywhere else, ya got it?"

"Yes'm." The pout was plain in her voice, but I could tell she knew she'd messed up. Just the fact she had the gall to pout though pushed my mouth into motion again.

"No lip! Don't give me that look either! We all work real hard around here to earn those bits, you should _know_ that! Remember how tired Mac and I look at the end of the day next time you three start thinkin' about another stunt!"

For one cruel second I wanted her to know just how badly she'd hurt us all. I wanted her to know she'd be lucky to get the books she needed for school next term, never mind new school supplies. Granny's hip was a pipe-dream, the new plow as out of reach now as ever. Instead I just ground my jaw and clammed up, heading for the kitchen while Apple Bloom's hooves thump-thump-thumped up the stairs.

After downing a glass of water, I slipped back into the living room, and planted a kiss on Granny's cheek on my way to the stairs.

"Night night Granny. Thanks for staying up with her."

"That was more of an earful than you usually give the lil apple dumpling. Is everything okay, Applejack?" Granny patted my cheek. "You seem stretched pretty thin lately."

If Granny noticed, I definitely wasn't keeping my mask up well enough at home. I grinned, and knocked my hat back a bit with one hoof. "Nothin' I can't handle, Granny. If I can deal with rampagin' goddesses, chaos lords, changeling queens and tyrannical sorcerer kings, I think I can balance the budget and keep us fed."

I wanted to wince at every word. I was an accessory at best on those epic adventures. Anypony honest enough could have worn the fancy necklace and channeled that bizarre rainbow-magic. Twilight was the real hero in those tales. She was the one who 'handled' the real villains. Meanwhile, I couldn't even balance a farm's budget. All the red ink waiting for me upstairs was proof enough of that.

Granny smiled at me broadly enough that her eyes disappeared into her wrinkles, and fell promptly asleep in her chair. After tugging a blanket up and over her, I retreated upstairs to my room.

I barely glanced at the ledgers and books on my desk, but it was enough to confirm the numbers I thought I'd remembered. Without even bothering to remove my ribbons or hat, I collapsed into bed, and tried to hide from the world in sleep.


	2. Dead Wood

Chapter Two

After a night of deep dreamless sleep, the cock crowing brought me awake with a start. That happened more and more lately. I used to rise on my own before old Hen-pecker even started warming up, ready and raring to go. Now it seemed that no matter how much sleep I got, I never wanted to roll out of bed.

"Enough of that," I growled, shoving the blankets off and sliding to the floor. "Ah ain't gonna take this lying down. Ah can still move, Ah can still think, and that means Ah can still do something about this."

But what? I tugged out my ribbons and gave my mane a quick brushing, really just corralling the blonde mass while I mulled things over. I'd done all I could to control our expenses, so to increase profits we either needed more product to sell or we needed to squeeze more profit out of the existing product. Since the latter seemed impossible from where I stood, I focused on the former. The west orchard had stood untended for years thanks to the fruit bat infestation.

"If Ah cut the dead wood out of there, get Fluttershy to move the bats, and planted new trees, we could get a good chunk of the farm back!"

I didn't run the numbers in my head. I was scared they wouldn't add up to be enough to stem the tide of red in the books, and I needed to stay positive today. Popping my Stetson back atop my head, I clip-clopped downstairs, sure-hooved even in the dim, gray light of the early morning.

In the kitchen I rattled around, quickly throwing together some pancake batter. Mac was soon a silent presence beside me, setting a skillet on the stove and floating a pat of butter across its worn iron surface. While I began pouring and flipping, he set the table. The quiet clatter of dishes, the thud of a water pitcher and the musical chiming of flatware helped put me at ease. Familiar, safe, routines like this made it feel like nothing would ever change here on the farm. I would always have Mac to back me up, and in a few more years, Apple Bloom would be of age to pull her weight and then some.

As the last pancake left the skillet, tucked beneath a towel on the waiting plate, I spent an extra moment mixing together some cinnamon and sugar in a mug. I brought both to the table before waking Granny, still snoozing in her chair, and calling up the stairs to the youngest member of the family.

"Apple Bloom, pancakes! They're better hot, y'know." I listened until I heard her door open, then returned to the table to tuck in.

My appetite was better than it had been for a while, and I managed three pancakes and a glass of cider before my stomach let me know in no uncertain terms that I was done. Doing the cooking myself, it was easier to hide the fact I hadn't been eating as much. Knowing I would eat less, I just made less, and there were no tell-tale leftovers.

Apple Bloom slid up into her seat just as I was finishing. Granny had managed to cut her first pancake in half, and was working on quartering it. Mac was working on his eighth.

"Mornin' Apple Bloom. Hope y'have fun at school today. Ah'm gonna get out to the west orchard and start some clean-up out there." I pointed in the vague direction of the orchard with a sticky fork. "It's high time we took it back from the fruit bats and got some use out of those trees!"

"Wha-a-a-a-t? All those fruit bats? Gracious, what will you do with 'em?" Granny blinked at me across the table, knife and fork drooping from their elastic bands around each hoof.

"Ah'm hoping Fluttershy will have an answer there. Ah don't want to hurt 'em particularly, but it is a matter of our su—our livelihood. T'day Ah think it'll just be clearin' dead wood though. We can make barrels outta that, maybe do some repairs on the barn as well. Waste not,"

"Want not," muttered Apple Bloom, before stuffing half a pancake into her mouth all at once. Well, it looked like the filly would be holding a bit of a grudge for a while. It wasn't like her to be anything but sunny in the mornings.

"Need any help, AJ?" Mac rumbled, finally pushing his plate away.

I shook my head, sliding out of my seat and making for the door. "No, though m'afraid you'll have to cover for me today. If Ah run into a two-pony saw job I'll call on ya. Later we can work to get the stumps out, together."

Leaving the rest of the family to their breakfast, I slipped out into the cold humid morning, my breath clouding before me. I ducked into the barn long enough to grab a coil of rope and an axe, then set off for the west orchard at a gallop. Nothing better to get the muscles warmed up, and the sooner I got started the better.

As I crossed an open stretch of ground, frozen grass crackling beneath my hooves, I couldn't help but remember the hayride I'd arranged last year for the Apple family reunion. I couldn't hold in a wistful sigh, remembering how gorgeous it had started. Like so many things I'd attempted though it had ended in disaster.

"Now buck up, mopey-marie. It ended up alright. You can pull this one out too with enough hard work!" I skidded to a stop beneath the edge of the untended portion of the farm, squinting into the depths of the orchard. These trees hadn't been trimmed for years and an overgrown canopy had formed, allowing gloomy shade to collect beneath the interwoven branches and leaves.

Dawn shone behind me, and a ray of sunlight picked out a tree that would never bear fruit again. Its limbs were nude of leaves, and many of its branches had already splintered and fallen as the dead wood gave beneath the pressure of the living trees crowding around it. I swept off my hat, nodding at the sad specimen.

"So sorry it came to this, fella. But you can still do us some good." I replaced my hat, then craned my neck to seize the axe from my back. I tugged the straps on tight, then braced one foreleg on the trunk before swinging the other, the blade biting into the wood. Chips flew, and I pulled free for another blow. The sound of my axe bounced off the other trees. Sleepy chirps and squeaks teased my ears as the bats in the trees stirred.

A rushing wind blew my hat off my head, and sent leaf litter sailing across the orchard floor. "What in tarnation?"

"Applejack! There you are." Rainbow Dash punched down through the canopy, scattering more leaves in a careless and painful-looking landing. "Y'gotta come with me right _now_! A bunch of diamond dogs are attacking Ponyville!"

I unbuckled the axe and left it leaning against the tree, casting a couple backward glances at it while trailing Rainbow out from beneath the trees. "Huh? What for? Are they after Rarity again?"

"I dunno, but they panicked the cows into stampeding again, and...let's just get you there."

Rainbow flapped her wings enough to hover, then shot forward, curved around above, and scooped me up beneath my forelegs. In seconds we were higher than I cared to be, headed for town. I could already hear the faint sounds of chaos below: thin shrieks and wavering shouts.

"Do other towns weather a disaster every other week, or is it just Ponyville?" I bawled over the wind roaring past us.

Rainbow shrugged, veering right towards the border of town and the cow pastures. "Cloudsdale was always pretty quiet, for a town where they make thunder. I guess there used to be more flying monsters, but that was back in grandpa's time." She sounded a bit put out about missing the 'excitement' of battling great flying beasts.

Flying lower now, we could see the colorful flashes of Twilight's magic at work, and once, the report of Pinkie's party cannon. "What, we're fightin' a pitched battle here? We couldn't scare the varmints off, or lure them away, or..." I trailed off. The diamond dogs had bunched into a pack, and—

"AJ, there's more to the story, but no time for that now! They're digging behind cover! They're gonna flank the others! Here, I'm going to come in low and fast and let you go. Tuck and roll!"

"Bowling for dogs? Heh. Ah like—whoa!" Rainbow put words into action sooner than I expected, and her hooves slipped from beneath me. I tucked myself together as fast as possible, leaning in, and hit the first diamond dog with enough force to knock the breath from me.

Both the dog and I kept rolling, crashing into the snarling—soon yelping—ranks of canines, revealing the hole and the danger to the other girls.

I sprang to my hooves as soon as I could tell which direction was up, and sprinted sideways. Since that wasn't at all my plan, I was sprawled on the grass again in seconds, shaking my head and grousing. "C'mon, y'ain't got time to be dizzy!"

An enormous dog, wearing a collar big enough for me to use as a hula hoop, loomed up on my right. I twisted and bucked towards him, but the strike fell short; my depth-perception was off while the world spun. Worse, the brute grabbed my legs while they were extended.

He had about two seconds to enjoy his triumph, grinning wider than anyone with teeth that bad ought to, before a multi-colored streak knocked him head over tail. Rainbow didn't stick around to see how much damage she'd done, but rocketed off towards the next standing target.

Hooves thundered behind me, and in seconds the other girls slid or leaped into defensive positions all around. Pinkie gave me a hoof up, and helped keep me vertical until the grass stopped moving on its own.

"Are you okay, Applejack? That was...pretty impressive, but seriously dangerous!" Twilight stepped closer to peer into each of my eyes. "So it was Rainbow's idea, wasn't it?"

I nodded, and shrugged. "Worked, din'nit it? Have they all run off?" I gave Pinkie a pat and she released me so I could stand tall, craning my neck to peer about.

Rarity scowled off towards their territory. "The ghastly beasts have retreated for now, it seems." She scraped a hoof through the grass like she'd enjoy nothing better than to charge after them and finish what we'd started.

"What were they doin' here anyhow? They've never—"

"Look out!" Rainbow Dash hollered down at us, drawing five pairs of eyes up to the sky. The pegasus was pointing off to the south, and when we squinted across the pasture in that direction I could spot a few puffs of dust.

"Oh land's sakes, Ah forgot about the stampede." I planted a hoof on my face, then slid it back to see if my rope was still slung on me. It was, thank Celestia.

Fluttershy spoke up, hovering near us ground-bound ponies. "Should I try to...?"

"Even if they were animals and not people 'Shy, once you panic the herd, there's no reasoning with 'em, largely. You could go fetch Winona for me though, sugarcube. That'd be a big help!"

"Oh, o-of course! Be right back." Fluttershy flitted off towards the farm. I might be able to head the herd off myself, but if it headed in the wrong direction and I failed, the town wouldn't appreciate me getting it right on the second go-around.

"Twi, can you zap yourself and the others outta here? Ah've got a handle on this." I let a little note of boasting creep into my tone as I spoke to my friends, the three fidgeting nervously as the sound of several dozen hooves rumbled closer and closer.

"Absolutely. We'll be rooting for you, AJ!" Twilight closed her eyes, dipped her head, and a magenta pin-point flared from the tip of her horn into a sphere large enough to encapsulate both unicorns and a party-pony. The sphere and the ponies within vanished, air collapsing in to fill the void left behind.

I broke into a gallop towards the edge of the pasture, readying the rope as I ran. Tying a knot hooves-free, on the run, is a perfect example of sports coming in handy in everyday life.

"Not that Ah think this _should_ be everyday life, consarn it." I was close enough now to see the cows' wide eyes. The breath from the herd boiled up from gaping mouths and blowing nostrils, combining into a roiling cloud above the panicked cattle. The herd raced after one particularly-spooked individual who tossed her head and lowed like a Diamond Dog was biting her tail-end.

"Miss Clover again? Ah sure wish that gal would start...Ah dunno, drinkin' tea or something. She's strung higher than a kite caught in a redwood." I grimaced, planning my approach, when Fluttershy flapped in beside me. Winona squirmed from her grasp and dropped the last foot to the grass.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry Winona! Are you okay?" The trembling pegasus reached out a hoof towards the collie, who wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to her solicitous yellow air-taxi.

My faithful dog raced through the grass, still crackling with morning frost, circling around behind the mass of stampeding cattle. We had them bracketed now, and with nudges from either side, we turned them away from town degree by degree.

When I saw it wasn't going fast enough to keep at least some of the herd from making it onto the bridge into town, I poured on some speed, muscles burning, and headed to the front of the pack. A quick toss of the rope and I had my own personal Clover to steer. I could swear she shot me an almost-apologetic look as I dragged her head around, and where her head went, her body followed. Where Clover went, the herd followed, and soon they were running out the last of their mad dash back through the pasture, where no diamond dogs lingered.

I had forgotten about the holes they'd been digging there, though. One cow simply vanished, dropping totally out of sight as earth collapsed beneath her hooves. Another face-planted into the dirt as her forehooves plunged down into nothing.

The herd did not react well to this, and what had become a rather half-hearted stampede ramped back up to full speed in seconds with terrified moos rolling through the air. I sighed, and called on my legs to pump me out ahead of the pack, and blinked in disbelief as the distance continued to close between us. I tried harder, and realized I was having trouble feeling my legs.

Before I could panic and go down beneath the hooves of the frightened cows, a blast of wind stirred my mane and a familiar grasp settled beneath my forelegs. Rainbow pulled me up and away, Winona still running alongside the cattle, barking away.

"AJ, what happened? Fluttershy's helping out the cows that found those, er, holes, but we've still gotta do something about—"

"Ah know, Ah know. I, uh, got a cramp." It happens. She might buy it. "Listen Rainbow, Ah could use your help on this one. After you put me down again in front, bracket 'em opposite from Winona, herd 'em into their enclosure. Maybe goin' 'home' will help."

The final attempt worked, and my legs didn't quite give out before the herd stumbled to a standstill within the 'safe' boundaries of white fencing. I removed my hat and fanned myself with it, my mane soaked with sweat, while the other girls trotted over to join Rainbow and me.

"That was...well, I'm glad we're mostly—" Twilight glanced over her shoulder at the two cows Fluttershy was tending to, "—all safe." One was making its way over to her herd, snorting and blowing out earth, but the other was limping badly.

"Ah'm sorry all. Ah plumb forgot about those holes."

"No no, I should have filled them in before I left!" Twilight hung her head.

"And I should have invited the diamond dogs to the last party I threw, so they didn't end up so grumpy and grabby!" Pinkie swooned over onto the grass, face twisted with exaggerated guilt. Rarity nodded the tiniest bit in approval.

"I guess Pinkie's right. We can all try to soak up the blame, but really we did what we could with a bad situation." Twilight Sparkle laid a foreleg across her breast and let out a long breath.

I had seen Twilight do that a few times, and figured she had learned it from a self-help book or some-such. I wondered if it actually helped. Wincing, I took my weight off the fence I was leaning on and took a few steps. My legs really **did** feel like cramping up now.

"Ah need to talk to Fluttershy for a minute, y'all." I traded a hoofbump with Rainbow on my way by, and made it over to the yellow pegasus at an amble, at best.

I swept my hat off before the injured cow, ears splayed wide. "Ah'm very sorry ma'am. Ah should have steered y'all clear of those holes,"

The bovine raised her head to blink at me, trying to balance on three legs while holding one hindleg extended for Fluttershy.

"I...well, I can't say I've had worse really, but it's alright. I'm going to tail-swat Clover 'til the...'til _we_ come home, though! I'm so sick of this 'high alert' nonsense!" The cow blew a breath out between her lips, rolling her eyes.

Fluttershy finished winding a bandage around her leg beneath the knee. "Okay Thistle, try to keep most of your weight off of it for the rest of this week. I'll bring you ice-packs every so often to keep the swelling down. If the pain gets too bad, I'll have Candy Striper bring you something."

We watched Thistle go, both of us wincing at her slow, careful progress. I turned to Fluttershy, and nosed her shoulder.

"Thanks for your help t'day hon. Ah hate to impose on y'again so soon after, but could you do me a big favor tomorrow?"

Fluttershy tilted her head. "What's that, Applejack? Do you have a sick critter?"

"No, just some unwelcome ones. Ah'd like to relocate the fruit bats in our west orchard to...well, anywhere that isn't Sweet Apple Acres honestly. We really need that part of the farm productive again, and we can't work around the bats, sad to say."

"Hmm. There are a few fruiting trees at the border of the Everfree forest, near my cottage, but a lot of my animal friends there depend on those already." She tilted her head, eyes drifting sky-ward in thought. "There are a few sites that _might_ work, but I would need to ask the animals already living there if they mind new neighbors. With one or two animals it really isn't a problem. I can talk with everyone and smooth things out, but with this many?" Fluttershy shook her head, wings drooping. "I'm sorry Applejack, but this might take a while. That's a lot of bats."

I heaved a sigh, but nodded. I knew Fluttershy would do the job right, and make sure the critters ended up happy.

Fluttershy brushed me with a wingtip. "There's, um, actually another problem. They have to be moved before it gets too cold, because they bunch up to conserve heat, and then it's nearly impossible to move them." She smiled a tiny bit. "It's actually really adorable. When they're clinging all together from one tree like they do, it looks like one big apple, or sometimes strawberry; it depends on how many bats are in the colony."

I struggled to produce a thoughtful smile. "Anyways, Ah appreciate it, sugarcube."

We started wandering back towards the others in time to hear Rarity insisting we all hit the spa. "Look at these grass stains! And besides, I need something to balance out the horror of those beasts breaking into my shop." Rarity shuddered, summoned her fainting-couch, and sprawled back into its plush embrace.

I settled back on my haunches, resting my legs. I still felt a little shaky. "So they were after you again, Rares?"

Twilight shook her head, bangs swinging. "Not her specifically, just her gems."

Rarity waved her hooves above her head, eyes wide, like she was signaling the fates to examine the bad hand she'd been dealt. "I'd been receiving shipments for a commission, and perhaps the route took the gems past diamond dog territory? I don't know, I just know they zeroed right in on the Carousel Boutique and caused unfathomable damage!"

Rainbow dropped down beside me, leaned in close and whispered in my ear. "They knocked over two ponyquins, unrolled a bolt of fabric, and left a cupboard door open."

I wasn't sure whether to sigh or laugh, but there was no sense in upsetting Rarity any further, so I went with a sympathetic moue. "Ah'm shocked they'd come into town, bold as brass like that."

"Actually, they tunneled in from the outskirts. The ground has collapsed in a couple of places." Twilight frowned. "They must've been in a real hurry and didn't shore their tunnel up. When we all converged on the boutique, I did try to reason with them, but that big one just _howled_ over everything I said!"

Rarity patted Twilight's shoulder while the alicorn stared down at the grass. "You tried darling. The lure plan was partially successful. It got them out of the town at least." Rarity turned back to me, gesturing towards Twi. "Dear Twilight conjured the illusion of a pegasus pulling an air chariot heaped with gems, drawing them off. Their own gem-hunting abilities or sense of smell or _something_ clued them in before too long though, and they were not happy with us."

"Well, Ah'm mighty sorry to hear about the damage to the boutique, Rares. Hope it won't affect business much." I gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"Oh no darling, it shouldn't. I should be able to finish up the commission this week, even if it will work me to the bone. Then I'll have to get started on the Hearth's Warming Eve costumes for this year's pageant. Princess Celestia asked for my hoofwork again!" Rarity squealed, dismounting from the couch to prance a bit in place.

At least one of us is doing well, I reflected, then shook off the uncharitable thought. Rarity worked long hours, even if it wasn't the sort of work I was used to. It took real talent to turn out the sort of goods she did, but any earth pony could buck trees and pull wagons like I did. Speaking of rough, manual labor...

"Ah really should get back to the farm, girls. Ah need to clear some dead wood, and Ah'm burnin' daylight." I whistled Winona to me. The rambunctious little dog bounded ahead, eager to return to the farm.

Cheerful goodbyes followed me as I set out on the road into town, cutting through the busy streets on the way back to the farm. Everywhere I looked I saw smiling faces, ponies apparently pleased with their lot in life, not worried about a thing. I did what I could to match their expressions. It wouldn't do to have anyone stop me and ask what was wrong; I'd wasted enough time today already. Besides, no one liked a whiner.

* * *

I didn't leave the orchard for the farmhouse until the sun had nearly set, and it was getting too hard to see where to swing my axe. I'd made progress, but I had no idea yet how many trees I'd need to clear. The bats were certainly unhappy with me, and the feeling was mutual as I left the west orchard, dragging my hooves with every step.

I stopped to give Winona a few scratches behind her ears when she scampered up to meet me, then followed her to the barn to be sure she had her food and water for the night.

"At least Ah can provide alright for you, girl. With full bowls, a scratched head and a rubbed tummy, you don't have a care in the world, do ya?"

Winona writhed on the straw-covered barn floor while I delivered those tummy-rubs, providing all the answer I needed. I shut her in for the night, and dragged myself over to the farmhouse.

Pushing open the door allowed familiar warmth, light, and voices to enfold me in comfort. I found everypony at the table waiting for me, plates piled with roasted root veggies, hay fries seasoned with chili powder, and fresh salad greens. A warm pumpkin pie perfumed the room from a cooling rack atop the stove.

"Was about to go out lookin' for ya, AJ." Mac raised his brow the slightest bit, asking a silent question.

I waved a hoof at him, wagging my head. "Just wanted to make up for the time Ah lost this mornin'."

Apple Bloom squirmed in her seat. "Ah heard it was diamond dogs, come to kidnap Rarity again! Spike said he wrestled one for twenty minutes!"

"And when did you get to see Spike t'day, little lady?" I snapped, giving Apple Bloom an evil eye.

Hurt but defiant, Apple Bloom stuck out her lower lip. "He was at the school t'day, bringing Miss Cheerilee a book."

I sighed, dropping into my seat with a thump. "Right. Sorry." I strapped on a fork and dug in, expecting to be ravenous after such a grueling day. After just a few mouthfuls my stomach twisted, and I grimaced, fork half-way to my mouth.

Granny caught my expression and almost dropped her fork, eyes wide. "Somethin' wrong with the vittles, child?"

She had every right to be surprised. I'd eaten like a team of stallions since I was a foal, and the list of things I'd turn my nose up at could be counted on one mare's hooves.

"Just a bit of a sour stomach t'night. You know Ah always love your cookin' Granny," I winked at her, before finally finishing the forkful I'd raised.

"Did one of those diamond dogs kick you in the belly, Applejack?" Apple Bloom stared across the table at me.

It cracked my heart to see all the resentment over being grounded blown away in an instant over worry for her big sister. "No, no. They didn't get a chance to lay a paw on me. Any bruises Ah picked up t'day are courtesy of Rainbow Dash's brilliant tactics..." I paused, just to see if Scootaloo would appear from behind a couch or cupboard door to defend her hero. "But Ah can't deny they worked a treat. Ah'm here in one piece, nopony's been kidnapped, and we managed to keep the cows from trampling Ponyville."

"Normally Ah'd say that calls for an extra slice of pie, but we'll just put that in the ice-box for you 'til tomorrow, honeybunch." Granny Smith winked, leaning back in her chair. I couldn't tell whether the accompanying creak came from Granny or the furniture.  
After pushing the lovely dinner around on my plate for another few minutes like some finicky foal, conversation coasted to a sleepy stop.

"Ah'll take care of the washin' up. Y'all get on to bed now. Granny, don't you go nodding off in your chair again! That's got to be bad for your back." I kept up the chatter to stop the protest I could see forming on Mac's lips. Of course he'd want to volunteer to clean up after the day I'd had, but I didn't want him seeing just how little I'd managed to eat.

Eventually he and the rest got a move on, and left me in the kitchen with just suds and silence. Well, not quite silence. The house was never completely quiet even when nopony was home. It creaked in the wind, shifted ever so slightly as it grew warmer or colder, and the squeaking of the weather vane was hard to miss. Tonight with everyone home, I could hear hoofsteps as the other Apples carried out their nightly routines.

As I scrubbed plates, I pictured Granny finally finishing in the bathroom, teetering her way to her room. Apple Bloom was in after her like a shot, leaving Mac waiting in the hall, listening to her brush her teeth and make gargling sounds. Eventually I heard the scamper and thunk of a door that meant Apple Bloom had finished and gone to bed, leaving the bathroom for Mac. Sometimes he'd take a long bath if he hadn't taken a rough shower of sorts under the pump outside, and if his muscles were sore. I heard the hiss of the pipes, and nodded to myself.

Taking my work as well as his, no wonder he'd be hurting. He was enormously strong, had incredible stamina, but he was still just one pony and it was a big farm. He'd have to do the same thing tomorrow too, I realized, while drying plates and pots. I needed to get that dead wood down, and start dragging it back to the barn before we got any rain.

Finished with the dishes, I clopped up the stairs, intent on crashing into bed. Light seeped out beneath the bathroom door, and I managed a small smile as I slipped into my room. Having family close at hoof was a balm. Shutting my door behind me, I crossed to the bed in the dark and turned back the sheets, only to hear something paper rustle and fall to the floor. Leaning across the bed, I pulled the chain on the nightstand's lamp.

I found the fallen paper and scooped it up. Apple Bloom had drawn me another picture, something she'd done less and less as she'd grown up and started running around with the crusaders. I smiled, the image of a bright orange Applejack lassoing a trio of scowling diamond dogs blurring as my eyes teared up. Two words at the bottom in blue crayon swam too much for me to make out in the dim light, so I swiped the tears from my eyes and tried again. 'Sorry sis,' it read, and I heaved a sigh before tucking the page beneath a book on the nightstand.

"Oh Apple Bloom. Ah know yer sorry now, but it doesn't seem to stop you from doin' something just as bad every month or so. Ah wish you'd get your cutie mark so this nonsense'd stop."

Pulling the lamp's chain again with a fiercer yank than needed, I flopped into bed, and burrowed beneath the covers. The nights were definitely getting nippier, and we'd be spending bits on fuel soon enough too.

"Stems and stones girl, stop your frettin' and get some sleep, or you'll be worthless tomorrow." I felt like giving myself a rap on the noggin for so many things, but couldn't muster the energy. I reached for sleep, and after a short chase, found it.


	3. In a Bind

Chapter Three

I left the breakfast table the next morning, mane still damp from the bath I'd skipped the night before. "Ah'll be in the west orchard again t'day if anyone needs me. Ah'm tryin' to clear it as fast as Ah can, but—"

Mac shook his head, drawing my eye. "Nope. Today's market day, AJ. I'll help load you up, but you've gotta be there t'day."

I wanted to buck something. We needed the bits our stall at the market brought in, but the work I was trying to do was going to bring in more profits long-term. There was nothing for it though.

"Guess Ah plumb forgot what day it was." I glanced at AB, the filly rushing to gobble her breakfast and situate her bow at the same time. "Oh, thankee kindly for that drawin' Apple Bloom! Ah love it. Ah just wish we could show it to the diamond dogs too." I winked at my little sister, then had a horrible thought. "Do _not_ take that literal, y'hear? Ah don't ever want to go down a dog hole again."

Apple Bloom managed only three-quarters of an indignant glare, showing I'd been wise to get right in there with a disclaimer.

Mac and I trotted outside and loaded up the wagon with bushels of apples and a few baskets of baked goods Granny had prepared the night before.

I hitched myself up, and almost ran into Mac when he blocked my way towards the gate. “Whoa! Uh, somethin' wrong Mac?”

"Applejack. I know something's eatin' you. I know you're keepin' quiet about it. If you have a good reason...alright. But if you **don't** ," Mac's deep voice was mild as usual, but his eyes said it all. He was serious, and wasn't falling for my brave act.

"Won't have you takin' the weight of the world on your back." His lips curved into a small, wry smile. "You've got me here to take half of it."

I swallowed, mouth gone dry. After a moment, I shook my head just twice, side to side. "Soon, Mac. Ah'll tell you soon. Was gonna have to anyways, eventually. See you tonight."

Mac nodded, and stepped aside. I could feel his eyes on me as I pulled the wagon out of the farm and on towards town. It would be good to unburden myself, wouldn't it? Then why did it feel like I'd be facing an executioner tonight?

* * *

Setting up the stall was mostly old hat after so many years, so I paid more attention to the market than what my hooves were doing. There weren't many ponies about yet, but that was typical for early morning. The rush to work would begin soon, and I'd make some sales then. There were always ponies who slept too late and didn't leave themselves time to make breakfast, or even time to buy and eat a proper one, so an apple on the go was a tasty-looking alternative.

I was setting out Granny Smith's pies on a rough wooden shelf when I noticed three of the other market icons heading my way. Carrot Top, Roma, and Earth Turner lined up before my cart, scowling. Although Roma's personality was more crabapple than ripe tomato, and Earth Turner was as taciturn as could be, we had working the soil in common and had never been on poor terms.

"Well, uh, good mornin' folks. What's the word?" I smiled as brightly as I could, but neither words nor expression budged the frowns on the other vendors' faces.

"Applejack." Carrot Top nodded. "We've got a problem. Earth Turner here was just over at town hall trying to find the right form to get approval to dig a new well—"

"It's blue." The wiry stallion weighted the words with so much disgust, I'd have had to swap in 'changeling vomit' to get the same tone from your average pony.

"—yes, anyways, Red Tape gave him a fact sheet about a new tax that was just approved in Canterlot."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, ponyfeathers. What's this one for? How many wagon wheels y'got on yer property?"

Carrot Top snorted, and stomped a hoof with such violence that I backed up a step. That wasn't like her at all. An ugly feeling crept up my spine as I realized this couldn't be typical paper-pusher abuse.

"They're taxing our acreage! Specifically targeting farmers, and it's tiered instead of a straight calculation. I'm just over the second tier myself. So is Earth Turner."

Earth nodded once, a sharp jerk of his head. Roma just rolled her eyes, and stabbed a hoof in the general direction of the capital. "I bet they had some pencil-pusher wise out those tiers to slam the typical farmer hardest. They don't really make sense, otherwise!"

My head felt light, and the market suddenly seemed too bright. I stretched a hoof towards Earth Turner. "D'you have that fact sheet on you by chance, Earth?"

He nipped it out of his saddlebags and passed it over. My eyes slid back and forth across the page, stumbling over codes and references that meant nothing to me, until I reached, buried in muddying language, the parts that mattered. 'Any commercial agricultural property numbering more than twenty-four acres will pay tier two taxes in the following fiscal year. Any property numbering more than forty-four acres will pay tier three taxes. Any property numbering more than sixty-four acres will pay tier four taxes.'

My stomach lurched. Sweet Apple Acres was sixty-five acres. 'See pricing table to determine taxes owed for your property.' I wanted to throw the paper away and forget it ever existed. I read on, and my stomach convulsed.

I thrust the page back at Earth Turner and whipped around, bracing a foreshoulder on the cart, fighting desperately to keep breakfast from reappearing. My knees wobbled, threatening to give out and dump me into the dirt.

"It's horseapples, isn't it? We have half a mind to picket outside town hall tomorrow... Um, are you okay? Applejack?" Carrot Top walked up beside me, stretching a foreleg across my shoulders.

"F-fine, Ah'm fine. Just tired Ah guess." I gently shrugged out from beneath Carrot's leg, and swallowed, tasting bile. "Any of you need some apples while you're here? Looks like Ah'm gonna need every bit I can get."

Roma and Earth Turner both shrugged and made indifferent noises. They tended to wait for the day's-end leavings I might let go for a discount.

Carrot Top gave me a sideways glance, then nodded towards a plate of apple tarts. "Hook me up with a couple of those, Freckles. You let me know if there's anything I can do for you today." She scrutinized me while I wrapped up her tarts. I had to concentrate more on keeping my hooves from shaking than on the wrapping job.

When she passed me the bits for the treats, she jerked her head back at the other vendors. "If we set up that picket, I'll come let you know when it will go down. We're not going to go quietly, sister!" Carrot Top raised a leg for a hoofbump, and I obliged her, before the three wandered back to their stalls.

By now the morning commuters were trickling through and I really had to get my sales-face on. My stomach twisted inside me, and there were two more close calls while I served customers. As soon as the rush died down and sleepy Ponyville morning activity set in, I dug out a rarely-used 'back soon' sign and hung it from the cart.

I trotted over to Carrot Top's cart to see her using the lull to rearrange her produce. It was gorgeous, as always; the mare was as talented with carrots and other vegetables as my family was with apples. She glanced up at my approach and grinned.

"Come to return my bits and buy some veg, Freckles?" She plucked a smaller carrot from the display and took a big bite, the crisp crunch practically echoing down the street.

The scent of carrot made my gorge rise again, and I shook my head, ponytail swishing. "Actually Carrot, would ya mind keepin' an eye on mah cart for a bit? Ah need to nip over to the library and see Twilight real quick."

Carrot Top nodded, and waved me off with the stump of her carrot. "Go, go. Sooner you get back, the sooner you can get back to pushing those dangerously addictive apples on us unsuspecting townsfolk."

I scraped up a smile from somewhere and attempted a wink, but it came across as more of a wince, judging from Carrot's expression. I galloped off to the library, nose burning and tears threatening to brim over. I needed help. I needed a friend right now, and who better than the pony who helped teach me it was no failing to accept help when things got too overwhelming?

* * *

Spike answered the door, but stood squarely in my way, gazing up at me without quite meeting my eyes and shifting from one foot to the other. "Hey Applejack. Uh, this isn't the best time for a visit."

Twilight's voice carried from inside the library. "Spike, shut the door! If it gets out, we might never find it, and who knows how many ponies it might ch—oh, hi AJ." The purple alicorn descended into view on the staircase inside, and waved me in. "Please, come in and shut the door. We've kinda got a bit of a situation brewing here."

Spike finally stepped aside and I slipped in, nudging the door shut with a hindleg. The little dragon picked up a dowsing rod from the floor and began waddling around the treehouse with it, frowning.

"Uh." I suffered a blip of curiosity, but freaky things happened all the time in town, and probably more often in the library whenever Twilight decided to actually do something with a tidbit she'd read. My situation quickly trumped any desire I had to know what was going on. "Twi, d'you have a minute to talk?" I had to fight to keep from busting out crying right there. I couldn't keep a quaver out of my voice. "Ah could really use—"

"Actually, could it wait, AJ? There's a really pesky river spirit—well, maybe stream-spirit, it is pretty small—and if I don't lock it down it could cause irreparable damage to the books! Also, it might drown anypony it encounters by forcing itself down into their lungs. That would be bad too." She grinned at me, strain showing around her eyes, a couple hairs in her mane visibly fraying as she spoke.

I dug at the area rug with one hoof, feeling the burning in my nose and sinuses build. "N-normally I'd say it could wait, sure Twi, but things are bad. Ah, Ah don't know if Ah can—"

"Behind you!" Twi squealed, and before I could even turn my head to see the threat, the world exploded in pink light. I blinked the afterimage away to find myself outside the library again, listening to a watery roar of rage inside. Half-stunned, I just stood there in the street, listening to the short-lived battle that followed.

About two minutes later, a panting and exhausted Spike opened the door again, waving me in. A new bottle sat atop the checkout desk near the door, and within, a very angry pair of eyes floated, tracking me. Twilight stood with her back to me, pulling books off a particular pair of shelves. She was putting out heat like a radiator, drying soaked books, holding each page open with her telekinesis. Several more hairs in her mane and tail had frayed, and she whipped her head around at the other sections, mumbling about triage.

After a minute, I saw the writing on the wall. "Ah guess Ah'll come back later." I felt myself slide off a lip into a swamp of self-pity, and hated myself for it, knowing how hard it would be to pull myself free again. I must have let my mask slip, because Spike winced at my face when I turned to go.

"AJ, what's wrong? I mean, Twilight's going to be like this for a few hours, but if you want to hang around until then, I'll make you a sandwich. You can look at my new comic book if you want! They started publishing a Daring Do one!" He grinned, tangling his claws together.

I turned my head back towards the door so he wouldn't see the new tears forming. "Ah need to get back to my cart, but Ah'll see you two soon, Ah'm sure. Thankee Spike." I rushed back out onto the street, and the cold hit my wet eyes.

The moment had passed. I had tried to get some help and my friend had barely looked at me. Part of me knew it wasn't fair to judge Twilight over this, and it was silly not to try again, but a little resentment bolstered old habits. I would handle this. It was Apple family business, and there was no reason to involve my friends in it.

It took nearly the whole walk back to the cart to get my mask back into place. I had to re-convince myself of its importance. I had to remember how the old Applejack's face relaxed into a smile; it wasn't something that could ever look forced. I had found that I even had to maintain a shell of 'normal' surface thoughts circulating to keep myself distracted, dwelling on the immediate business of selling apples and treats rather than the towering problems stalking me.

By the time I removed the sign, tipped my hat to Carrot Top, and took my place behind the cart again, nopony wandering by saw anything but amiable Applejack cheerfully hawking her wares. The morning collapsed into noon, and the lunch rush hit me. The last of the baked goods went in a flurry, leaving me with nothing but apples to sell. As soon as the rush truly subsided, I hung the sign again and trotted towards town hall.

A white unicorn separated from a group leaving a restaurant to my left, and waved. As I drew a little closer I spotted the familiar diamonds on her flank, but the stylish scarf she wore would have been clue enough it was Rarity. "Applejack! Off to get a bite to eat? I just had the most _scrumptious_ salad myself."

I shook my head, and nodded up the road at the town's tallest structure. "Actually Ah'm on mah way to town hall."

"Get out! That's my next stop this afternoon." Rarity settled the pretty gray and pink scarf into place around her neck and shoulders, then joined me trotting down the street.

"Did the, uh, tailorin' or dress-makin' business get hit with a new tax?" I bit off the word 'too' just in time. I was curious what Rarity could want at Ponyville's bureaucratic heart, despite everything on my mind.

"Tax? No, not that I'd heard of. I'm dropping by to apply for a grant," she gave her mane a toss, "to help me expand the Carousel Boutique. My business has focused a lot of attention on the town, don't you think? Attracted tourists, journalists?" She stopped outside the doors of the big building, rounding on me with the slightest of pouts.

"Well sure. They've done at least three or four articles about you across, what, the Canterlot Times and some of your fashion magazines? While ponies may have come to see you, Ah'm sure they spent money here in town on other things..." I paused to imagine what it would be like to have Sweet Apple Acres featured in an article. An image of Mac appeared in my head to mumble 'More trouble than it's worth,' and part of me agreed, but with fame came money often enough.

"Ah-hah! If _you_ see it then surely they'll see that! Helping me enhance my business will help the town as a whole!" Rarity tugged open the doors and flounced inside, leaving me to trudge in behind her. With a sudden flash of irritation, I found myself intensely jealous of the fashionista.

When she had put on that fashion show showcasing the ridiculous dresses she graciously made for us, it seemed her reputation was shot, but she flipped it around and turned that disaster into a coup. When the rest of us acted the fool at that fancy party in front of all those Canterlot hoof-lickers, she still managed to impress the head-honcho stallion there and profit. She even turned getting kidnapped by cave-dwelling canines into a success, taking their stockpiles of gems in compensation! Everything went right for Rarity, so of course she'd get this grant too.

"Ta, Applejack! Don't let them give you any paper cuts." Rarity waved, already having found a flunky to escort her, probably straight to the mayor.

I approached the nearest desk, and had to fight to keep my smile from curling into a scowl. Red Tape continued to staple small stacks of papers until I cleared my throat.

"Mister Tape. Ah'm here to lodge a formal protest against the new tax on agricultural acreage." I used a polite and formal tone, and managed not to grit my teeth at all, but based on my past dealings with this pale yellow stallion I wouldn't be civil for long.

"Which tax would that be? Do you know its numerical designation?" While stereotypes for bureaucrats like him included ponies with pinched, nasal voices and ones that spoke in a monotone, Red Tape's was simply disinterested. I found that far worse than the other possibilities. Did he not care? Was it me and my problems he didn't care about, his job in general, or did he treat everything in the world like an insignificant interruption?

"No, Ah'm afraid Ah don't.” Everything about Red Tape, and even the inside of town hall just got under my skin. The smell of fresh ink bordered on overpowering. Either somepony had turned the heat up too high or the furnace was busted, but either way it was easily ten degrees too hot there in the lobby.

Red Tape's flat, completely expressionless gaze always came off as condescending to me, but I fought to ignore it and press on. “Earth Turner had a fact sheet he was given while he was here earlier, and Ah—"

"Oh, yes. Here," Red Tape hoofed over an identical sheet. "The designation is there at the top. It's the **long** number with two dashes in it. I wrote these fact sheets myself for the benefit of Ponyville's citizens when I heard about the decision in the Royal Court." He actually gained a tiny degree of animation when discussing his self-appointed work. "Official notifications about the change won't go out for weeks, perhaps months."

Inwardly, I seethed. It was just like Red Tape to pounce on an opportunity to be the bearer of bad news. "How...proactive of you. Now, is there a form to fill out for formal protests or—"

"You wouldn't file a protest here, miss. You would file it at the appropriate office in Canterlot," Red Tape interrupted, starting to staple papers again. "If there's nothing else?"

"Mister Tape, this being the local branch of the Equestrian government, Ah believe it's only appropriate for you to take my complaint here and forward it if need be." I leaned across the desk just slightly. "And Ah trust it will not get lost on the way, because of how poorly that would tend ta reflect on the functionary Ah dealt with."

The stapler crunched one last time, with finality, and Red Tape raised his head. "Are you threatening me, Miss Applejack?"

I raised my voice enough to let the ponies working at the two adjacent desks hear me. "Why would Ah do such a thing? Why would Ah need to? Isn't everypony here a public servant, dedicated to helping citizens jest like me interact with the ponies who govern us?"

A canary yellow form slid into place before me. "Fill this out. Provide bits for postage to Canterlot. A response wait-time of six to eight weeks is not unusual."

It was hard to tell, but I think Red Tape was furious. His voice was no more interested than before, but as he resumed collating, the ker-chunk of each stapling seemed louder. I took the provided pen in my mouth and filled in the appropriate blanks before reaching the spot for the actual complaint.

I tried to concentrate, to conjure up eloquent phrases that would convince a statespony or a princess, but the constant noise of the stapler and even the subdued conversations of the customers and bureaucrats near me were enough to make it impossible to focus. What ended up on the paper was short, blunt, and pathetic. It was the desperate plea of a mare on the brink of losing her family farm, and nothing more. I hated it. I hated myself for writing it, and I hated Red Tape for reading it when I passed it over.

"Four bits postage." He held out a hoof, and when I passed him the bits, he made a show of glancing at them, as if making sure they were genuine. "Will that be all?"

"Yes." I couldn't stop my lip from quivering, and a fresh wave of self-loathing lapped over me.

"Have a nice day, ma'am."

* * *

As I walked down the road home, pulling the cart, I actually wished there were rainclouds over Sweet Apple Acres, so the weather would match my mood. Instead the sky was only sparsely ribboned with clouds, and a spectacular sunset was in the offing to the west.

"The west," I muttered, thinking of the orchard with its still-uncut trees. I would have to take another poke at it tomorrow. Tonight though, I had to tackle the talk with Mac. Thinking about it made me feel hollow inside.

Passing through the gates, I pulled the cart the last few yards to its shed and backed it in before wriggling free of the harness. In the past I couldn't walk through an inch of the farm without recalling a happy memory or a proud moment, but nothing called out to me today. The pump was just a pump. The farmhouse was just a building, wood and nails and paint. If I tried hard enough I could remember things, but nothing resonated emotionally anymore.

Not even the horseshoe-pit, where I'd wiled away hours with friends and family pitching shoes, stirred up anything. The thought of wandering over and getting some practice in just left me feeling exhausted.

Winona bounded over and leaped for my chin, forcing me to stretch out a hoof and wave her down. "Down, down girl!"  
She settled for running circles around me while I crossed the yard towards the farmhouse, trying to tempt me into a game or a run through the orchards. I grimaced at the heart-wrenching tilt of her head, confusion as plain on her face as on any pony's, when I shut the farmhouse door between us.

I could hear Mac's unmistakable hoof falls upstairs, my big brother probably washing up. Granny was cooking and Apple Bloom was helping, the two of them singing some silly song that rang through the kitchen. I ducked my head in long enough for them to see me.

"You two need any help?"

"No, supper's two shakes of a lamb's tail from bein' forkable. You can set the table though, young'n." Granny saluted me with a spatula, and though it felt like I had to move through cement to do so, I returned the salute.

The dining room was a little quieter, and I thought about how I'd present things to Mac that night. 'Mac, the farm is failing and I don't know what to do.' No. 'Mac, we're in a heap of trouble, but nothing we can't get out of with a lot of hard work.' Better. But...was it true?

Before I could pursue that distressing line of thought further, the family filed in, carrying piping hot dishes. I survived another meal, eating little, saying nothing of consequence, and keeping up my mask. Mac and I stayed behind to clean up while Granny took Apple Bloom upstairs to read her a story.

"Let me grab the books," I told Mac when he settled back at the table, and got a nod in response. I stole upstairs as quietly as the creaking stairs allowed, and scooped up the ledgers and notebooks from the desk in my bedroom. I could hear Granny howling like a timberwolf, making Apple Bloom squeal and giggle across the hall. I knew exactly what story she was telling, and wished I was the one being put to bed, no worries ahead of me but homework, cutie marks and schoolyard rivalries.

Downstairs I spread out the ledgers, then wordlessly passed Mac the sheet of paper Red Tape had given me earlier that day. Knowing the awful figure by heart already, I set to plugging the number into the budget. I heard Mac grunt like the wind had been knocked out of him and grimaced without looking up. The pencil dropped from my lips after I'd finished figuring.

"Ah'm—Ah don't... Ah can't see any way out of this. Really, the tax was like an arrow through the heart after we'd already fallen off a cliff." I waved a hoof at the budget. "With the overhead goin' up on supplies, Apple Bloom's little accidents, and the new tax, we'll be losing bits every year even if our sales increase. That's _if_ Ah get the west orchard fully productive again. If Ah can't, and sales are flat, or worse...then our savings are gone the second the tax-stallion comes knockin'."

Mac reached across the table to cover my hoof with his. "Thought for a while now there were problems you weren't tellin' us about. You started doin' more barterin' instead of buyin'. You got a lot more careful... Little things, but they added up.”

I nodded, but inside a bitter voice was spitting words at both of us: it obviously hadn't added up to much.

“So. Yup, we've got problems. What solutions can we come up with?"

"Ah've been tryin' for months to come up with things, Mac! Longer! Tried sellin' at the gala, hopin' it would get us some attention from the high-falutin' ponies up there or at least earn some bits on the spot, but they're too good for our food. Ah was goin' to use my rodeo winnings for us, 'til Mayor Mare put out that call for help about town hall. Ah was tryin' to hold out until somepony told me the mayor herself had a few buckets in her office, the roof was so screwed up."

I doffed my hat and tossed it into an empty chair. "Didn't even win anything anyways, so moot point. Can't make any money with mah legs or lasso."

"What 'bout kickin' the prices of our goods up? If overhead's up, maybe it's just inflation."

"The cider's already expensive, Mac, at least to us small town folks. Ponies put aside money all year, lookin' forward to cider season. Rainbow even has a special bank for it. It's the size of your head! To increase profits there we'd have to find ways to make it more efficiently, or simply make more of it with the same amount of apples and effort. Ah think Ah've done all Ah can with the first, and the second means doing what Flim and Flam did. Are you willin' to sacrifice some quality for more bits?"

"Nope."

"Didn't think so. As for the zap apple jam, Ah suppose we could raise the price a little, but one reason we sell it so well is because Filthy Rich marks it up a bit at his store. The ponies who know come to the source."

"Well. Plant more trees? We still—"

"We've got more land, yes, and I plan to plant more trees, but it will be years before they bear fruit, and we'll have gone into deep debt by then. The money those new trees'd bring in won't make up for the interest on the loans we'd have to take out." I opened another notebook full of red and green tables and equations full of frustrated-looking slashes.

"Well, then we'd better ask for some help. None of your friends, _our_ friends would ever want to see the farm in trouble."

I shook my head, hearing bits of old inner monologues of mine passing Mac's lips. "What would they do? Twilight could help us harvest faster, but that doesn't help when we space out the sales anyways. Pinkie could help Granny bake more pies, but chances are good she'd eat as many as she baked! Ah've no idea what Fluttershy would do. Rarity would prolly try and dress up the old cart, whoop-de-doo. Dash already sends rain our way whenever we need it, mostly."

Mac grimaced. "The princesses—"

"No." I sliced a foreleg down through the air. "They can't play favorites. Ah've seen 'em have this conversation before. Ah might be one of the Elements of Harmony, but when it comes to this, Ah'm just another citizen."

Mac sat, shoulders slumping, lost in thought. The silence dragged on, and it seemed the whole house listened. Mac finally leaned forward again, ears pricked. "So what then?"

When I sat down I'd hoped Mac would see something I hadn't, but with every passing minute my heart sank. Now I was left with the only option I could think of that meant a future for the family. I took a deep breath, let it all out, and somehow met my big brother's eyes. "Ah've bucked up. Ah can't fix it. We'll have to, to sell the farm."

Mac's eyes grew enormous, and he shoved his chair back from the table. The scraping almost drowned out the scrabble on the stairs back in the sitting room, and I groaned, the sound dying down into a whimper. I locked gazes with Mac, and I'm sure despair was plain in my eyes.

"Apple Bloom."

Mac had already pushed back from the table, so he was first to the stairs. I followed, weariness of more than the body dragging at me. We heard a door shut before either of us had even started up the stairs. With every step I climbed, I regretted the bitterness I'd allowed myself to show the other day.

By the time we got to the top, we found her room's door open, Granny Smith asleep inside with a book open in her lap. Granny's bedroom door was closed, and filly-sized sobs filtered through it.

"Apple Bloom, c'mon out," Mac said, tapping on the door.

"N-n-never coming out. I-I-I made our family _poor_ and now we'll be _homeless_!" she wailed, words muffled and slurred.

Mac raised a hoof as if to knock the door in, and raised a brow at me. I shook my head, and moved closer to the door. I felt like I was thinking with a brain made of mud. Every time I grasped the tail of a promising tactic to use on Apple Bloom, the thought sank again. I was so tired. I barely had the energy to keep myself motivated and comforted enough to not toss myself off of Ponyville dam. Now I had to be strong for Apple Bloom too? The effort seemed superequine.

"Apple Bloom, we would be in this situation whether or not you broke a few things. It is _not_ your fault. And we might not have to move. The new owner may let us live and work here."

The crying intensified. Mac shot me a look, and I gave him one right back that said 'you do better!'

"We love you Apple Bloom. Never forget that. It doesn't matter where we end up! We'll have each other. No bank can take that away from us." Mac sounded so resolute, so absolutely confident, that even I felt better for listening to him. It was true, our little family couldn't be split up.

Apple Bloom's crying transformed into the exhausted hu-hu-huhs and sniffles of a spent child. Mac and I sat there in the hallway until those too died down. I nodded towards my room, and once inside, I shut the door behind us with care.

"Ah'll find some legal pencil-pusher tomorrow who can give us some advice, and then..."

"Want me to make up a sign?" Mac asked, his voice so low I wondered if he even wanted me to hear him.

I nodded, reaching up to rub a tear from my cheek. "Sweet Apple Acres. For sale by owner." The words tore at my heart, and I could see by the tremble of his chin Mac didn't take them any better. "Oh Mac!" I lunged at him, throwing my forelegs around his neck. He curled one around me, resting his chin on my back.

I couldn't even enjoy this, this freely-given comfort from my big brother. Voices inside kept prodding me, reminding me how this was my fault, and if Mac—my rock and anchor as much as my brother—really knew how ugly I was inside, he'd be locking his door against me too.

"When're we gonna tell Granny?" Mac tightened his leg around me. "Can't exactly put out a sign, expect her not to notice."

"Ah guess we can hold off on puttin' it up for a bit 'til we know how to break it to her." I felt like my chest was trying to crush my own heart. "Once it's u-up, it isn't like it'll take long for word to spread."

I soaked Mac's mane with fresh tears. "We'll figure out what to say to Gran." When I tried to conjure up words that might soften the blow, I got an image instead: Granny Smith's face going slack in shock, before sagging with sorrow. I had one more Apple to disappoint, still.


	4. A Little More Salt in the Sea

Chapter Four

It felt like deja-vu all over again as I set out for the west orchard early the next morning. I skipped breakfast entirely, telling myself I didn't have time for it with the errands I had to run in town later. I didn't miss the grim look Mac shot me when I followed him downstairs, but peeled off for the front door instead of the kitchen. As I slipped out and shut the door, it cut off the tuneless diddy Granny hummed while getting breakfast started.

It was another cold morning, and every breath steamed as I swung my axe, its blade sinking into dry and long-dead wood. I felled three, five, then ten trees and chopped them into chunks that would be easier to transport. It was tough work, the strain of it driving out all thought of the cold until I paused, letting the breeze roll over my lathered coat.

Winona had followed me into the orchard today, but spent most of her time chasing leaves and bunnies, imaginary or not. I found myself wondering if I'd remembered to check her food the night before, and realized I hadn't the faintest idea.

The next time she dashed into sight, I gave her head a few strokes. "If Ah messed up and forgot to tend you pup, yer getting table-scraps t'night, Ah promise."

The sun was sailing steadily closer to a point overhead, and I wandered through the orchard to get an idea how much work still lay ahead of me. I passed wild untended trees, but they were largely healthy. As cautious optimism began to bloom, I entered a patch where the earth had buckled. A small rise here meant rain tended to sluice off this particular portion of the orchard, and this copse of trees had not done well at all. Some were still alive, but barely-so, and were definitely not producing any fruit. There were at least twenty trees here alone that would need clearing out, and many would be more work than the purely dead wood I had been chopping.

I glanced around to get my bearings, marking the spot in my mind, then settled the axe on my back and trotted back to the farmhouse. I could hear Mac bucking apples, and the sound struck me with a mingled jolt of guilt and pleasure. He was still doing my share of the work as well as his, never complaining, never slacking off an inch. Yet it was a familiar sound. Some routines were still going on, uninterrupted even in the face of the worst threat the farm had ever seen.

Rushing inside, I left the axe and my rope by the door and pounded upstairs to grab a quick shower. While I waited for the water to heat up, I hung up my hat and, with two deft bites, pulled the ribbons from my mane and tail. I gazed at my reflection in the mirror for a moment. My coat was still orange as a tangerine, mane like cornsilk. It was strange how little the outside had changed when from within, almost nothing felt right anymore.

"You let everyone down, yerself included. Ma and Pa didn't work every day you knew 'em so you could run this place into the ground." The words just sank into the reflected-me. I knew there was truth in them, but it couldn't stir a reaction in me. I forced my face into a scowl. "So yer gonna do all you can to salvage this, get the best deal you possibly can, and make darn sure yer family's provided for!"

And my first step towards that goal was looking presentable, so I leaped into the now-hot shower. Splinters and leaf fragments washed out of my mane and coat, swirling around the drain. I shut my eyes and just existed in the hot water for a long moment, letting it beat against sore muscles, driving out the cold I'd soaked up outside.

When I started to feel a mite raisin-ish, I lathered up and scrubbed myself well and proper with my favorite sandalwood soap. A bit of shampoo to finish, a quick turn-around to rinse, and I climbed back out.

Off went the water, on went the towels, and I ran a comb through my mane to tame it enough for retying. My tail got the same treatment, and I gave myself another once-over in the mirror. Damp, but certainly passable. For a second, with my coat still a bit wet and plastered closer to the skin, I thought I looked a bit gaunt. Another quick pass with the towel fixed that.

Snatching my hat off the hook on the door, I hurried down the hall to my room and snagged a vest from my dresser to spruce myself up that little bit more. Thumping back down the stairs and out of the house, I broke into a gallop towards town, then remembered I was supposed to arrive looking half-way presentable. I slowed to a canter, a chill breeze sifting through my wet hair.

I had only a vague idea who to consult about selling the farm, but I knew who would know more. I trotted my way down main street, then made a right turn onto a side street near Davenport's shop. I nudged open the heavy wooden door of a small but expensive looking establishment. The bell on the door soon summoned a distinguished looking unicorn stallion from a back office into the worn but comfortable waiting room.

Horse Majeure had helped out the Apples with all their legal problems since he'd started practicing law in Ponyville. I managed a strained smile for him. "Horse,"

"Mister Majeure, please. Horse was my father!" Horse grinned, and I rolled my eyes. He pulled the same corny line just about every time I walked in here.

"Well mister fancy lawyer stallion, Ah need some advice. Who in town would Ah see about...sellin' some land?"

Horse shot me a look over his spectacles.

"...About sellin' Sweet Apple Acres." I couldn't completely avoid cringing.

"Gracious, Applejack! Did you have a bad year? That's no reason to panic! The bank here can be very generous with the terms of—"

"Horse, it's over. Ah'm obviously not the best businessmare in these parts, but Ah can do arithmetic, and numbers don't lie. If Ah act like a stubborn mule and hang onto the farm, things're only gonna get worse, not better." My tone brooked no argument, and Horse backed into his office, waving me in.

"I'm so sorry to hear this, Applejack. I know how hard it's been for you all since your parents passed, and you've done admirably filling their horseshoes. You four are the face of the farm now, and with all you've done for the townsfolk, I doubt you even know how well-loved you Apples are." Horse shut his office door behind us, then let his hoof rest on my shoulder a moment. "Why, Sweet Apple Acres is synonymous with Ponyville in the minds of many of us, I'm sure."

His words hit me in the heart like nails. I could only nod, dumb, and lowered myself into the overstuffed chair across the desk from him. If anypony in town had a lengthier business relationship with our family than Horse, I didn't know them. I found myself watching him for the signs of disappointment I expected. The disappointment I deserved.

"Now, first of all you'll need to get the land and facilities appraised. You need to know how much to ask for, after all. Will you be seeking representation in the market, or selling it yourself?"

"What do you recommend? Ah figured we'd just sell it ourselves."

"Mm, it often depends on the local market but in this case I should think you can do it yourself as long as you have all the forms in order and are on good terms with town hall."

I winced, remembering my last brush with Red Tape. "If Ah was to decide to hire an agent after all, who's available here in town?"

"No one I'd recommend, honestly." Horse leaned back in his chair, forehooves steepled beneath his chin. "But an agent from Canterlot would certainly be willing to make the journey to deal with a parcel as large as yours. The Coltwell Banker agency is honest, fair." He pulled a sheet of paper from a desk drawer and scribbled an address down for me. "Now, let's go over the paperwork you'll need to get together."

* * *

It felt like hours, but was really closer to thirty minutes before I emerged from Horse Majeure's office, the scale of what was ahead of me fully realized. Horse was experienced with appraisals, but would call in a favor and get the town zoning commissioner to accompany him on his tour of the farm tomorrow. I glanced at the list pinched in my hoof, and realized the only thing I could do at this point was return to town hall and begin picking up forms.

"Well, nothin' for it. Just put one hoof in front of—" The hoof never hit the ground. Instead, I ended up tumbling to the dirt, propelled by a cyan blur.

"Applejack! I've been looking everywhere for you! Twilight got a letter from the princess, and she needs us at the treehouse, like, pronto!"

"Funny, we all drop what we're doin' when she needs somethin'," I muttered, climbing to my hooves and replacing my fallen hat.

"Huh?" Dash tilted her head, bird-like. It was almost funny sometimes when pegasi acted like your garden variety songbirds or pigeons.

"Nothin'. Let's get a move on." I galloped off to the library, the list stuffed in my saddlebags, my own life put on hold again.

Rainbow Dash actually landed cleanly when we reached the treehouse, and entered with me through the front door rather than making her own entrance for once. The rest of the girls were all there, and Twilight's nervous pacing stopped as we made our way inside.

"Ahh, okay! So. I received a message from Princess Celestia this morning!" Twilight tapped her hooves together, grinning. "It was so wonderful to hear from her. It'd been weeks since her last letter, and—ahem. Anyways. She has a new mission for us. It seems the long-lost civilization of the sea ponies has become slightly less lost!"

The five of us exchanged blank looks. "Sea ponies?" Fluttershy ventured at last.

"Yes! It's been thought they were wiped out over 1500 years ago by a catastrophic sea-quake, but Celestia received a message via a secret sea pony communication route that hasn't been used for ages!" Twilight's enthusiasm slipped a little. "Well, actually it was a message in a bottle. But it was an _enchanted_ bottle!"

The five of us stared at Twilight, until a wide-eyed Pinkie finally broke the silence. "OOOooooh!"

Twilight waved a hoof, fanning away the majority's lack of enthusiasm. "Anyways. The message was a distress call. There's a sea pony settlement a few hundred miles off the coast of Manehattan, and they're under attack by some enormous sea creature! They've asked for help, and since they mentioned their strongest magic users were unable to deter it, Celestia has decided to send in the Elements of Harmony."

Rainbow thrust a hoof in the air. "Uh, Twilight, I'm sure we all want to help, but what are we supposed to do for a bunch of ponies at the bottom of the sea? Pinkie and I are great swimmers, but that's not exactly going to cut it." Dash flailed her forelegs and wings about, pantomiming swimming from a horrendous beast snapping at her tail. Fluttershy flinched away from the display, taking refuge in her mane.

"Not to worry, I've been doing research!" Twilight crowed, gesturing to a stack of books to her right.

"You mean _we've_ been doing research," Spike said under his breath, waddling up to drop another book on the pile.

"Well, yes. And I—we—found a spell that will not only let us breathe underwater, but make us much more maneuverable there as well! We'll basically be sea ponies for the duration of the mission."

I glanced at my friends to gauge their reactions. Fluttershy looked ecstatic, while Rarity looked ill. Dash looked about how I felt, cautiously optimistic. Pinkie Pie had pulled out her party cannon and was staring at it. I edged away from Pinkie.

"Twilight, do you have any water-proofing spells? We're gonna want to throw a party after we show mister monster it isn't nice to wipe out the lingering remnants of ancient empires, and I don't want anypony to get a piece of soggy cake, or not be able to use party favors, or get any balloon animals, or—"

Twilight rubbed the bridge of her muzzle, listening to Pinkie's list with an air of long-suffering before finally cutting her off. "I'll see what I can do."

Rarity tore her gaze from her hindquarters long enough to raise a point. "How are we to reach the site from Manehattan? Surely we're not going to swim hundreds of miles! We'd be exhausted by the time we reached the sea ponies!" Rarity's eyes drifted back towards her own hindlegs, and I realized she was probably visualizing herself with a fishtail.

"The royal yacht and its crew are at our disposal. It isn't used much, but it's fast, and I'm sure I can make it even faster. Who knows how long these sea ponies have left?" Twilight dropped her head, biting her lip. Most of us followed suit and sobered up.

I drew a proper expression of concern over my face, but I really just wanted to get back to babying the orchard. Guilt struck, and I scolded myself for having so little empathy that I'd rather get back to my chores than save lives. Never mind one family having to sell their farm, losing their way of life; a whole mess of ponies might be about to perish!

I pushed myself, strained for some sort of sympathetic reaction, but got nothing. I didn't even know the species _existed_ until a few minutes ago. When I could barely stir myself to help my little sister, what hope did I have of getting riled up over strangers? I physically recoiled from the bitterness of the thought, and the twitch stirred the rest from their thoughts.

"Well, everyone go pack your bags and meet me at the train station. They've scheduled an express train for us." Twilight waved goodbye and we broke up, trotting out through the door Spike held open for us.

"Doing any better AJ?" he asked me as I passed.

"Sure, sugarcube. Ah'm right as rain, thanks for askin'." It must have been a believable performance; his answering smile was broad.

"Great. See ya later!"

Outside I watched pink, yellow, white, and cyan shapes go their separate ways to pick up their things. I broke into a canter, then a gallop, for I had the furthest to go.

Back at the farmhouse, Mac was pulling a cart piled with bushels of apples towards the barn. I made a detour, and he stopped for me.

"Celestia's called out the Elements. Ah'm gonna be gone for a few days. Ah talked to Horse, and he's gonna come 'round with a friend of his to appraise the farm and land, but there's some paperwork to rustle up too at town hall."

Mac just nodded, expression unruffled and stalwart as ever. I heaved a sigh, passing over the list of forms we would need to square away. "Ah'm so sorry to heap somethin' else on your plate, Mac."

He shook his head, tucking the page beneath his harness. "Out of your hooves, AJ. Now get a move on. Don't stress Twilight out."

"T-take care of Apple Bloom, alright? Try to..." I couldn't string together the words I wanted, and growled, stomping a hoof.

Mac just nodded again. "I'll try. Go."

I curled a foreleg around his neck back behind his yoke, pressing close for just a second or two. He snorted, the playful blast of breath knocking my hat half-off.

"Heh, you clod-kicker." Nudging the Stetson back into place, I wheeled and galloped to the house.

After a flurry of packing, I grabbed an apple for the road, raced past a napping Granny Smith and out the door.

Winona's barking followed me down the road, and a thought sent frost creeping up my spine. It wasn't so hard to imagine one of these quests ending with a seat or, Celestia forbid, **seats** on the return train empty.

"Ah'll come back to you, girl. Ah'll come back to all of you. Ah've left too big a mess for y'all to clean up by yourselves."

The platform at the train station was crowded, mostly thanks to Rarity's luggage.

"We've never let you take this much junk before, Rarity! Why would we start now?!" Rainbow Dash's voice broke as she whipped a hoof in an arc at the mountain of bags, sacks, hat boxes, trolleys piled with more bags, and an honest-to-goodness wardrobe on wheels.

"Because we're going on a seeeea voyage, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity spoke as if this was the most obvious fact in the world. "One packs in an en- _tirely_ different fashion when one is going to sea."

Twilight eyed the mountain. "How did you even pack that much, that quickly...? Never mind. It's too much. Pare it down to the bare essentials; no more than you can carry _yourself_ , Rarity."

Rarity's gasp of shock and outrage, clearly the windup to an argument for keeping more of her frippery and trappings, actually prompted Fluttershy to speak up.

"Um, Rarity? The train is waiting on us, and the sooner we leave, the fewer sea ponies might die, so..."

Everypony was taken aback, but Rarity rocked like she'd been struck in the face. After a second, she gave the waiting group a firm nod. "You're absolutely right, Fluttershy. I'll just take...these two." She pulled two packs from the pile, but before she boarded the train, she called over her shoulder. "Spike? Be a darling and return the rest of these to the boutique? Thanks so much. See you in a few days!"

Rainbow Dash groaned, grounded herself, and followed Rarity on board. We all trailed after and made ourselves comfortable for the long journey ahead.

* * *

Most of the journey ran together for me. I slept on the train, and we barely saw any of Manehattan, riding a couple of wagons the locals called 'taxis' to the city port. The yacht was very pretty, though I'm no judge of boats. Rarity fell in love with its sweeping lines and its white and gold color scheme. Its sail was even colored to look like Celestia's odd mane, which impressed Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. I just tried to fade into the background during our time aboard, and largely succeeded.

Twilight worked to keep our sails full, propelling us toward the endangered sea ponies at the best speed the graceful craft could handle. There were three other ponies aboard as crew, aside from the captain, and they made sure the sails were adjusted and everypony aboard stayed safe.

The first day everyone was so enthralled with the novelty of it all, it was easy for me to go unnoticed, and I could spend a minimum amount of energy maintaining my false front. At mealtimes it was harder, but by taking over the cooking duty from the crew, more often than not I could claim I ate while I cooked, and lounge nearby while the rest chatted over their meal. Truthfully I continued to eat little, and a slight bout of seasickness did nothing to encourage me to change that. Earth ponies weren't made for sea voyages, that seemed plain.

Pinkie Pie of course was an anomaly, and stuffed herself at every opportunity. "Nothing needs salt! The air salts it for you! The sea is the best!" she squealed, a bit of pureed squash on her nose like vegetable sunscreen. We all sat together at dinner in a cozy semi-circle of seats around a table on deck. There had been a gorgeous sunset (I had been told) a few minutes before, while I was cooking below.

Rainbow Dash had other thoughts about the ocean. "It's boring out here. I haven't seen a single sea monster that didn't turn out to be Pinkie. This boat is soooooo slow!" She froze, and shot the captain a sheepish grin as he bustled by. Once he had gone below, she picked up right where she had left off. "And, ugh, the salty air makes my feathers feel weird. Not to mention how it makes them taste."

Fluttershy smiled, and gestured out over the side of the yacht. "It may be dull from up here on the surface Rainbow, but just think of the amazing creatures we'll see once we're down below the surface. I don't think I've read more than a book or two about marine life, so almost everything will be a surprise to me."

"Noooo! Oh, I'm such a dummy. I should have packed a camera!" Twilight wailed. "I could've used the same waterproofing spell on it I found for Pinkie's cannon, and it would've been fine!" She slumped forward until her nose bumped the table.

"There was a camera in one of the bags I had to leave behind," Rarity sighed, tugging at the curl of her mane and turning a critical eye on it.

Fluttershy turned to me, where I leaned against the railing a few feet from the dining ponies. "Applejack? What do you think of the sea?"

"Ah think Ah'll be glad to set my hooves on solid ground again. Ah'm a mite nervous not knowin' exactly what's beneath me, y'know what Ah mean?"

"Well, we know there's a giant sea monster beneath us somewhere," Pinkie said, pointing at the deck. "Now you know one thing under us! Does that help?"

Five hooves met five faces simultaneously.

"Not...especially Pinkie. But thanks fer tryin'."

Twilight told us we wouldn't reach the site of the sea pony settlement until tomorrow evening, so we decided to get some rest, sleeping in shifts with one of us awake to keep an eye on things. Twilight's spell was fortunately self-sustaining, so she could sleep and do other things without worrying about it.

I lay in my bunk and tried to sleep, but nausea and the pain in my stomach had teamed up to make me more miserable than I already felt. I didn't ask anypony for help for either problem; most of them were asleep, and besides, I deserved to suffer a little for how badly I'd fouled things up. Maybe when I got back I'd go see the doc, but we had more important things than a tummy-ache to worry about.

I remembered something Pa used to tell me when I told him I couldn't sleep. He used to say 'lie on the edge and you'll soon drop off.' I grimaced there in the dark. Haunted by bad dad-humor and stomach problems.

I wondered what he would have thought of his freckled firecracker of a daughter, running around Equestria stomping out demigods and tyrants, and cringed when I imagined him walking up to the farm's gates and seeing the sign Mac had probably painted by now. What good was I if I could save the world with a fancy necklace, but I couldn't keep one farm running well enough to feed my family? Hot tears soaked my pillow, but a hoof stuffed in my mouth stopped the sobs from leaking out. I must have nodded off eventually, but it felt like I'd gotten about two minutes sleep when Dash nudged me awake.

"Hey, AJ. Your turn. Y'okay? You look awful."

"J-just...seasick. Be fine," I mumbled, slithering out of my bunk. Dash patted me with an outstretched wing, and made her way to her own bunk, yawning.

I climbed the steps up from the lower deck and took my place beside the wheel. It was lashed in place, and the compass showed we were sailing east straight and true, so everything checked out. The crewpony on duty nodded my way, but offered no conversation.

It was a cold night, clouds cloaking the moon. I felt sandwiched between two layers of impenetrable darkness. What I'd told Fluttershy was the truth; I didn't like the mercurial, mystery-filled sea. At least things coming at me from the sky I'd have a chance of spotting.

The moon's absence touched off a memory and I found myself wondering about Luna. It had been over a year since we'd seen her in Ponyville, and when I thought about it, I hadn't seen more than a glimpse of her at the palace either. It was odd, given how we'd ended things the Nightmare Night before last. I wondered how she had coped with the loneliness during those long years of banishment. It was a wonder she was sane at all, really.

I grabbed a rough, heavy blanket from the seat nearby and draped myself with it, warding off the chill. Just what I needed really, more time virtually alone with myself. I stared ahead at the water our vessel was plowing through and, skipping ahead of the knot of awfulness we would have to endure, I tried to picture what the Apple family's future would be like.

We might still be living on the farm, working for someone other than ourselves for the first time. There would be no more hayrides or sisterhooves socials without their say-so. Maybe the animals would go. Maybe the entire orchard would be cleared and replaced with corn fields. It wouldn't be up to me any longer. The thought of such wholesale transformation, undoing years of careful work, was like cold steel slicing into my heart.

I thought of the alternative; we might have to leave the property completely. We'd find ourselves a home in Ponyville-proper. Mac could easily find construction work. I could get work on one of the other town farms, or even bake for the Cakes if there was enough money there. Granny could rest up, and Apple Bloom could finish school without worrying about chores anymore.

While it didn't sound so awful, an echo of that chaotic day Twilight got her wings rose up in me. Something wrong with the picture I painted in my head, nebulous but persistent, nagged at me. I realized I'd felt it once before, though it had been mixed up with a lot of other doubts and awkwardness. Way back when I stayed with Auntie and Uncle Orange, I had felt...out of place. The closer I got to Sweet Apple Acres on my return trip, the surer I grew I was doing the right thing for me.

What would I do if I had to live the rest of my life feeling that way? And if Mac, Apple Bloom and Granny felt the same... I groaned, low in my throat. We were rooted in that farm as deeply as any of the trees there. Uprooting us might be the death of us, or at least, the death of the ponies I knew and loved.

I checked the time on the clock built into the compass case, and snorted. I'd had a devastating revelation and it had only been fifteen minutes.

I risked leaving the wheel and navigator long enough to make us some tea, and returned to find nothing had changed. I settled in for a long shift, hunkering down as the wind picked up, blowing across the deck and carrying some salty spray with it.

By the time we arrived at the site, it was nearly midnight again, almost the third day of our sea voyage. Our lanterns were no match for the vast night, forcing Twilight to use a magical flare to confirm a landmark: a large exposed coral reef, developing into an island. Most of us seemed well rested and raring to go, so I did my best to appear the same, lining up before Twilight. She opened up the familiar chest beside her and levitated out our elements, sending each one shooting out to fasten around our necks. Hers of course settled atop her head, doing a lot to promote that 'princess Twilight Sparkle' image. I was still getting used to that.

"Okay, I haven't had time to do more than read up on these spells and there's no time for a bench test. Pinkie! Into the water."

Pinkie jumped overboard without any hesitation, but then, it wasn't her first trip over the rail on the journey. "Whee!"

Twilight leaned over the rail, powered up her horn, and shot the water-treading mare with a ray of violet light. With a sound like a balloon animal being twisted into shape, Pinkie's form blurred... The next thing we saw was Pinkie breaching from the water, sailing in an arc fifteen feet long before diving back into the green, near-opaque depths. She surfaced again beside the boat and squealed with delight.

"Woooo-hooooooo! I have a _tail_ you guys! There are so many new jokes I can make now, you have no idea."

"She doesn't realize she's always had one?" Dash muttered, then pointed at Pinkie. "What's with her mane? It looks different."

Twilight squinted at Pinkie, who squinted back. Her mane had changed from a fluffy pink mass into thick, blunt lengths with a rubbery appearance. They almost looked like lots and lots of tiny pony legs, but without joints.

"Are they tentacles? I saw an octopus once at an aquarium in Canterlot who... Anyways, she seems fine. Let's do you next, Rarity."

Rarity hesitated a long minute, then took a running leap off the yacht. Twilight zapped her in midair, so when she surfaced, she cleared her eyes of water and watched Twilight, one elegant brow arched. "Well?"

"Well what? I already changed you." The alicorn grinned, and Dash actually offered her a hoofbump.

Rarity reclined onto her back and lifted her lower body free of the water, gasping. Fish scales of white and iridescent blue blended seamlessly from the fur of her barrel down into the tail, shimmering like jewels beneath the yacht's lanterns. Like Pinkie, her hindlegs were gone, melded with her tail into one powerful appendage.

"Me next!" Rainbow yelled, dropping into the water in a cannonball. Twilight cast the spell again, but something was decidedly different this time. Rainbow's wings changed into additional fins, long and sweeping. She slipped beneath the surface, and burst back through it seconds later, rocketing twenty feet in the air before falling back into the drink.

"Ohmygosh-ohmygosh-ohmygosh, I've never been able to swim or maneuver like this underwater before! I'll be able to swim circles around any sea monster stupid enough to mess with us!" Dash pounded the water with a hoof, splashing all three waiting pseudo-sea ponies.

"Applejack?" Twilight gestured overboard, and I took the hint. I climbed up on the railing, balanced a moment, then felt a tug at my mane.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd want your hat ruined." Twilight levitated my Stetson down below deck, then nodded.  
I balanced a second longer, then launched off. I felt myself change on the way down, zapped in midair like Rarity was, then hit the cold water. That certainly woke me up! When I surfaced, Rarity cooed and Pinkie giggled.

"AJ, your freckles turned into little white starfish!" Pinkie poked at them, grinning. I felt my cheeks, and confirmed it. It wasn't just the shape of them; they were literally little starfish clinging to my cheeks.

Twilight levitated herself and Fluttershy over the water at the same time, and cast the spell on the pegasus, then herself, before dropping them both in to join us. Before they fell I could see that Fluttershy's wings had become long graceful fins like Rainbow's, but so had her mane, sure to transform her into a gorgeous sight underwater. Twilight's scales actually glowed, and that came in very handy as we grouped up, and sank together beneath the water.

I felt like I could see for miles beneath the waves, and had no idea why. It was usually pretty hard to see long distances once I was immersed, and this wasn't the clearest water I'd ever seen. Twilight tapped my shoulder and pointed. On the sea floor, thousands of feet beneath us, was a tiny source of light.

"Let's go!" Twilight's voice sounded, well, bubbly, but we could understand her. We swam towards the light source, and Dash showed off her greater speed, racing ahead of us in no time. After a few minutes, she swooped back towards us, looking puzzled.

"The light disappeared!"

"What do you mean? It's right there." Twilight waved a hoof down at the glimmer in the depths.

"Yeah, it came back when I swam back up to tell you guys." Dash scowled. "Something fishy's going on."

Pinkie snort-giggled, and I wished I'd had my hat to hide behind. Sometimes it was like saving the world with a bunch of school-age foals.

Twilight tapped her chin with one hoof for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, we'll have to hope we'll figure it out when we get closer. Just aim with all the accuracy we can, so when it goes out we're still swimming in the right direction."

Rainbow proved right as a few minute's swimming later, the light vanished. We pressed on, and Twilight fired another magical flare, letting it fall into the depths beneath us. When it hit, we could see we'd gotten closer to the sea floor, but we were still a long ways from reaching it. Suddenly, the light popped up again. In the dim illumination from the flare, it was just possible to see the light shone from inside a crevice in the sea floor.

Fluttershy stirred up the water with an excited flick of her tail. "Ohhh! That must be where their village is, hidden and protected! Maybe that's how they've stayed out of sight all these years."

Twilight struck one hoof with another. "And it's why the light seemed to disappear! We could see it from a higher vantage, but when we started getting closer and the angle changed, it became obscured, perhaps by some stone outcropping we can't see yet."

"Or maybe they just turned it off because they're afraid of that thing?" Pinkie asked, pointing to something directly below us.  
We all looked down, and saw something impossible. A snake—no, underwater they were called eeks, or eels, weren't they—was rushing along the sea floor towards the distant crevice. I blinked, sure I had the scale or perspective wrong, but...

"Oh Celestia. That thing is so, so big," Twilight whispered. The flare resting on the sand far below, though it revealed a huge area, couldn't show us the entire creature at once.

We watched the gargantuan shape glide beneath us, our jaws hanging open and eyes wide, until Rainbow Dash spoke up.

"Um, isn't it headed for that light?"

"Oh no! Yes, we need to...I-I don't know yet, but we can't do whatever it is from up here!" Twilight shot down after the eel with a strong flick of her tail, and we followed, Rainbow soon taking the lead again. I noticed Dash didn't draw out of sight this time.

The closer we drew to the crevice, the more light there was, until we saw the eel try to nose its way into the too-small crack in the seafloor. It was far too massive to fit more than its nose inside, and frustrated, it arched up a loop of its length to try again from directly above. We could hear stone grind beneath its body, and clouds of disturbed silt began to drift through the water.

Rainbow Dash scowled, pausing long enough to thrust a hoof toward the monster and shout back at us. "It's attacking the village! It's trying to eat them!" She rocketed ahead, fins whipping through the water.

"Rainbow, come back! You can't do anything alone!" Twilight tried to capture Dash in her magic but she'd sped out of effective reach already.

We swam with all our might and watched as Rainbow drew closer and closer to the eel without ever seeming to reach it. Over and over we had to adjust our impression of its size upwards, until Dash finally reached the green monster. We watched the cyan spot smack the impossibly huge sea creature with her tail, batter it with her hooves, but the monster took nearly a minute to even bother responding to the onslaught. There was no question Rainbow had failed to do any damage; if she'd had hindlegs and stood on them, she'd just barely be the height of the eel's eye!

We still hadn't crossed half the distance Dash had when the eel snapped at the tiny pest 'tickling' its cheek. Rainbow darted away, hesitated, then swam back towards us. Every undulation of her tail and fins broadcast her frustration.

"It's just too huge! I could barely get it to notice me, much less knock it out!" Rainbow grumbled, trying to ruffle her wings and instead waggling her dorsal fin.

"We need to draw it away from that crevice. If we...kill it, or even knock it out using the Elements, we don't want it collapsing right over the village." Rarity shuddered. "Those _poor_ sea ponies. They must be terrified!"

"One big distraction coming up," Twilight growled, horn glowing to life. A brilliant purple light lanced from the tip, cutting through the dark water to sting the eel's cheek.

It recoiled with whip-like speed, tossing its head back and forth. Its great yellow eye rolled around, but found nothing to attack. After just seconds, it resumed its nuzzling and bashing assault on the crevice.

A few seconds later we were all bowled over by the water disturbed by the eel's violent movements. Twilight righted herself, charged her horn until we all had to shut our eyes against its glow, and fired another bolt of pure magic at the beast.

This time she truly got the monster's attention. It must have seen the source of the flash, and plowed through the water towards us, jaws slightly parted in a terrifying grimace. Its ribbon-like body wobbled through the water, each undulation propelling it towards us.

"Formation!" Twilight yelled, voice a touch higher than usual. She floated up and ahead of our little group, while the rest of us formed a semi-circle behind her.

I could already feel my element warming up, and a glance to my left showed the others' jeweled necklaces shining with gathering power. An expanding field of white light spread out from my friends and me, so bright it washed out everything else and lit the seafloor for a mile in every direction.

Twilight cried out as the eel, blinded by the intense light, approached nonetheless in a thrashing rush. "Something's wrong!"  
My amulet grew cold around my neck. I tried to tuck my chin down to peer at it, and that's when the clasp failed. The Element of Honesty fell off. I grabbed for it, forelegs making desperate windmilling motions, but I was still mostly blinded by the light show and it slipped from my hooves to head straight for the seafloor, still hundreds of feet below. A quick glance showed the others weren't having this problem; I'd been singled out. And then the eel was upon us.

Blinded, it missed us by a few dozen yards, but its passage was like getting caught in a tornado. We were whipped about, smashed into one another, then hurled into the body of the eel again and again before we sank below the plane of its travel. Battered and stunned, we floated down, following my element to the seafloor.

All I could think was that I had doomed my friends, before the blackness swallowing up more and more of my vision overtook me.

It was Fluttershy who shook me awake, though with her gentle touch, it's a wonder I ever even felt it. I opened my mouth only to have a hoof promptly stuffed in it, while Fluttershy used her free hoof to point directly overhead.

We were right beneath the eel, its lengthy body flowing by as it made pass after pass searching for us. Five of us cowered in the lee of an upright spike of stone almost the size of Sugarcube Corner. Twilight was examining the Elements frantically, and as my sluggish mind finished soaking in the present situation, Rainbow Dash swam unsteadily back into the midst of the group with my Element, fetched from wherever it had fallen earlier.

Twilight took the choker with the apple-shaped gem and scrutinized it, daring to light her horn to better see what she was doing. "Gem, intact. Casing, whole. Resonance, familiar and within observed ranges," she muttered to herself, tone spiraling steadily from concerned to panicked. "It's the real Element, and it seems fine, so what the hay is wrong?"

The need to confess welled up inside, filling me. I felt like a pot about to boil over. All the lies I'd told, the things I'd hidden, the masks I'd pulled over my true face all burned within me, driving my mouth to open and come clean at last. There was no better time, seeing as how continuing the lie could get us all killed, and of course no worse time, what with us fighting for our lives and all. Honesty, dusty and disused though she might be, won in the end.

Steeling myself for resentment and worse, I nudged Fluttershy's hoof away. "Y'won't find anything wrong with it Twi. Ah'm the problem." I swam over to join the rest, every flick of my tail hesitant, Fluttershy following in my wake.

"Huh? What makes you say that, AJ?" Twilight's eyes narrowed. "You're...not a changeling, are you?" Her voice went wry and flat. "I don't think I could take that just now."

Dash snarled, spreading her forehooves and preparing a tackle.

Pinkie Pie dove between the hotheaded pegasus and myself. "She's not a changeling!" Pinkie's eyes glinted, reflecting the light from Twilight's horn and luminous scales, eerie in the ocean depths. "Tell them, AJ!"

"Ah'm not a changeling...but Ah have been lyin' to y'all." I found myself grateful this was happening at the bottom of the ocean. A few more drops of salt water would go unnoticed here. "Ah...haven't been myself for quite a while now. Been...sad. A-all the time." I began to feel ridiculous, and wondered if I even had the words to make them understand.

I could see the confusion on their faces, and stumbled on. "Ah hid it, and did a dandy job of it Ah guess, 'cuz none of you called me out on it. Ah didn't want you to know. Ah didn't want you to try to help, 'cuz...you couldn't. Nopony can." Visible or not, it was impossible to hide the crying now. My shoulders shook, and Fluttershy settled over my back like a cloak, hugging me tight.

The look on Pinkie's face was more than I could stand, and my eyes barely skipped over her. She looked dumbstruck, eyes wide and staring, but her mouth was twisted into a rictus of horror. I could have told her there would never again be another party on this planet and I doubt the reaction would've been as bad.

Twilight Sparkle stared at me, twisting my Element in her hooves. "W-why on earth wouldn't you think we can help? We're your best friends! You've helped cheer all of us up when _we're_ sad, Applejack!" She sounded completely mystified.

"Yeah! You were just being a big dummy, AJ. S'cool, now we know, and we'll get you grinnin' again in ten seconds flat. _After_ we beat this stupid eel." Rainbow turned her eyes back on the monster, fins spreading, already planning her next move.

I could feel my chances fading of getting the scope of this problem across to them. I couldn't let things rest there though. I pushed myself to speak up again, though all that came out was a whisper. "You don't get it. You can't get it unless you've felt this way." I struggled for a little more volume. "Nothin' from the outside reaches me." I glanced at Pinkie, who had at least managed to close her mouth. "Not the wildest party." I shook my head at Rainbow. "Not winnin' the biggest race. Ah don't care about winnin' anything anymore.

My shoulders began to shake again. An ache spread through my chest. "The last thing Ah cared about was m-m-mah family! Takin' care of them no matter how lousy Ah felt," I lost all control, my voice scaling up to a despairing wail that filled the water around us with bubbles, "but Ah bucked that up too!"

I don't know if by some incredible stroke of bad luck those bubbles happened to draw the eel's attention or it had already found us, but the next thing I knew, Rarity was shrieking, and looming up out of the darkness was a face out of nightmare.

Twilight reacted instinctively, firing off a magical bolt straight at the eel's left eye. It was enough to turn it away from our hiding place, though the water disturbed by its wake sent us tumbling once again.

"I could understand it!" Fluttershy squeaked, while we struggled to right ourselves and get our bearings.

"Really? What did it say?" Pinkie pressed her, while trying to untangle three of her mane-tentacles.

"Well, 'ow,' but I definitely heard it. It's just an animal, girls! I don't think the Elements would have helped anyways..." Fluttershy pawed at her choker.

"Well, do you think you can speak to the creature, dear Fluttershy?" Rarity arched a brow, gesturing at the great greenish-brown body sliding off into the darkness again. "No rush, darling."

"Um, I don't think it will be able to hear me unless it's still and everything is quiet. And...I'd probably have to be as close as Rainbow was earlier, when she tried to beat it up." The last few words were difficult to make out, as Fluttershy's pitch scaled up into a squeak.

I was barely listening at this point. My misery was nearly complete. All it would take was my friends getting hurt or killed to finish me off. I raised my head, struggling against the crushing weight of sadness, fighting that poisonous thought.

Lifting my head only let me see five discouraged, bruised friends though, no one quite willing to look my way at the moment...except the one I least wanted to endure sympathy from. Pinkie was watching me with an odd look, very un-party-pony-like, with none of the hugely exaggerated expressions she was known for. Pinkie swam up beside me, and guided my head down to rest against her neck.

"Leave it to them. We'll sort this out later. That's a Pinkie promise." She held me while the others conferred.

With a flash of green the eel snapped down into our midst, scattering us, yelps of shock and screams sending up more bubbles. Though the terror and confusion one fact resolved for me: the eel had singled out Rarity, turning to follow her desperate, thrashing strokes through the water.

Rarity squealed when she glanced over her shoulder to see that enormous yellow eye fixed on her. She shoved a telekinetic blast down at the sand, raising a billowing cloud of silt between herself and the eel.

Losing sight of its target goaded the monster into following the white unicorn, swimming right through that masking cloud.  
Watching, torn between fear for Rarity and helplessness in the face of such a monster, acrid thoughts seeped up. Look what you've gotten your friends into. That monster's going to eat them one by one, and you'll be the last to go since you're too useless to fight. You'll just float there, watching them die, feeling nothing.

I recoiled from my inner voice and fought back with another. Don't just sit there treading water, you useless lump! Who cares if you're a sad sack? Your friends are going to die if you don't help out, here! If you were ever worth anything at all, you'll flick your little fin and make yourself useful!

I knew which voice to listen to tonight. I thrashed my tail through the water, driving myself at a point ahead of the eel, hoping I could catch up to it in time to land a blow it would notice. Before I drew close enough to the monster for its body to block out the sight, I could see Rainbow swimming a similar course from the eel's other side.

My aim was true, but it felt like I was moving slower than a pig in mud! I could see I wasn't going to make it in time; my blow would land behind the eel's eye. That's when its head thrashed towards me, bringing its eye right into my extended hooves.  
The blow launched me back away from the eel, spinning head over tail, but it had certainly lost its fascination with Rarity. Once I recovered from my spin, I spotted Rainbow floating over the eel, shaking out her forehooves.

A spot of color drew my eyes to the eel's snout, where Pinkie had taken up position. "Hey! Mister monster! I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking 'did she eat five waffles before bed or six?' Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a 280 caliber custom short-colt, the most powerful party cannon in the world and will beat your batter six ways to Sunday, you've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I eel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

Very faintly, I thought I could hear Twilight groan in pain.

For whatever reason the eel held still for Pinkie's ridiculous monologue, but the second she quit talking, it opened its massive jaws to snap over the annoying, brightly-colored morsel. Pinkie fired her cannon and a massive load of inflated balloons, confetti, and ribbons filled the eel's jaws. The party-load did such a good job expanding to fill the monster's mouth in fact, that it struggled a moment against the pressure of all those helium balloons to even bite down. When it finally managed it, the resulting mass of bubbles created a curtain so vast, I saw we all had time to get to cover behind chunks of rock on the seafloor.

A bit of luminous pink and purple rose from behind a rock beneath the thrashing eel, who was still clearing shreds of rubber and colored paper from its maw. I realized the source of light was Twilight breaking from cover. The light grew as she charged her horn. Twilight fired a beam, but this time the eel was not her target. She zapped Rainbow, floating nearby.

Rainbow Dash grew, or appeared to grow in size, shock becoming clear on her face as it expanded with the rest of her. As soon as she grasped what was going on, she settled into a fighting stance, bobbing in the water before the eel. "Aww yeah, try to ignore me now!"

I tried waving my legs to get her attention, panic fluttering in my chest. Rainbow was still only about the size of the eel's head!  
Twilight's words, amplified like Luna's 'royal' voice, boomed through the water. "Rainbow! Don't fight it, just lure it away! Get it further from the sea ponies! Then make it to back to me. I'll take it from there."

Rainbow scowled, set her jaw, then took a swing at the eel anyways. Her hoof sailed straight through the confused monster's cheek. "Oh. Um, yeah. Operation Rainbow bait is go!" The illusion-enhanced pegasus took off at as fast a clip as she could into open water, muscles in her magnified tail flexing, fins streaming behind her. The eel thrashed its lengthy body after her within seconds.

Twilight waved us up, and pointed after the pair. "C'mon, let's move this fight away from the trench!"

Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy and I all emerged from our scattered refuges and followed the glowing beacon of Twilight, while my heart pounded in my chest. I couldn't keep up with Rainbow, couldn't stop her from doing anything boneheaded and getting eaten by the blasted water-worm!

It grew harder to make out what was happening as Dash and the eel drew further from us, but even with Rainbow's speed, I knew it wouldn't take something the eel's size long to catch up. I saw it convulse, lunging maybe, and in a sudden flash Twilight teleported Rainbow back into our midst.

"T-that thing has waaaaay too many teeth," Rainbow stuttered, flopping over to float supine. The size-illusion flickered around her, then collapsed, leaving Rainbow looking smaller than ever.

Meanwhile Twilight was forcing power into her horn again, layering flickering auras around that natural antenna, shading from a pale lilac into a violently unstable and eye-searing plum.

"Twilight, what...?" Rarity reached out a hoof towards our friend, and I noticed in the harsh light from the accumulated magic the stricken look on Twilight's face.

The first volley of magical darts struck the eel near the tail, and where they impacted, they flash-boiled the water, creating expanding spheres of silvery steam and bubbles. The eel's body cracked like a whip, bringing its head around in an instant and displacing so much water it sent a shock wave out along the ocean floor.

Twilight threw up a sloppy shield to keep us from being bowled over once again, and hit the eel with a second volley, and a third, and a fourth, turning her magic into pure violence against the overgrown sea creature. Again and again it tried to dart in close enough to put an end to the puny source of its pain, but each time it tried the volley grew denser and more painful, scorching its muddy green hide.

Twilight winced backward every time it lunged in, forcing her to intensify the attack, hurting the eel further. I could hear Fluttershy whimpering, holding a length of her own fin across her eyes to shield herself from the violence.

At last the monster retreated, winding sluggishly away into the distance, its massive body pockmarked with blackened spots and pink burns.

Twilight turned to Fluttershy and gave her one quick, decisive nod. The timid pony squeaked, returned the nod, then swam up to follow Twilight in pursuit of the escaping monster.

Dash frowned, then nodded after them. "You've got things here? I'm gonna tag along in case something goes wrong." Without waiting for an answer, she shot off through the water after Twilight and Fluttershy, leaving me alone with Pinkie and Rarity.

For a long moment we just hung there in the silt-clouded water, tails moving only enough to keep us suspended, gills working hard after the strenuous swimming we'd just done. Then the stress, the close calls, the real impact of it blew past the adrenaline and hit me in the gut. My stomach burned, and I crumpled in on myself, drawing the other two to my side in an instant. Once it was plain I hadn't been hurt in the fight, we tried to pick up where we had left off, after my confession.

"I want you to know Applejack, that if there's anything I can do, just name it." Rarity gave me a few awkward pats on the shoulder. "Celestia knows I was a _wreck_ for a while after the gala, thanks to that boor Blueblood. You all helped me get over that."

I wanted to explain I wasn't sad over one thing that happened at a party. This wasn't something I was down about for days or weeks, then bounced back from. It had been months since I'd felt the sun on my face and enjoyed it, months since I actively sought anypony's company. I could barely remember what it felt like to go an hour without worrying, or remembering what a screw-up I was.

I wanted to explain, but I was so soul-crushingly weary, and odds were good nopony would understand anyways. My stomach decided that was the perfect moment to twist inside me again, harder, and I doubled over. Pinkie tried her best to support me and stay out of my way at the same time.

All I could do was curl in on myself, my body instinctively trying to protect the body from pain, but this pain came from within, and all the balling-up in the world wasn't going to stop the burning in my core.

"Here AJ, have some fresh water." Pinkie dug a canteen out of her saddlebags, all of which had been waterproofed by Twilight, and pressed it to my lips. Drinking underwater was odd, but I managed a few swallows, and it did help a bit.

"Thanks Pinkie." I uncurled somewhat, and hoofed back the canteen. "Have you seen anything, Rarity?"  
Rarity started; she'd been staring at me, but she whipped around and gazed out through the water where the others had gone after the eel. "No, nothing yet."

We were in for a long wait. It took over an hour for Rainbow Dash to swim back to us, alone, exhausted. Pinkie pressed her canteen on her too, then shook her like a rag-doll, demanding news.

"What's happening out there? Have they been eaten? Did they eat the eel? Is Twilight fatter than Celestia on half-price cake day, now?"

Rainbow pushed Pinkie away, grumbling. "Wha—? No! They're fine, and so is the eel. Stupid eel. Fluttershy managed to talk with it, but Twilight had to magically amplify that lame, quiet voice of hers like, times a billion."

"So what'd they find out?" I asked. "Ah guess it's not an evil critter."

"So," Rainbow rolled her eyes, "apparently it's just your garden variety eel! It swam through a fresh shipwreck last week, and it must've been carrying some magic cargo, because it made the eel...well, huge!"

"But why did it attack the sea ponies? Did they attack it first, believing it to be a monster?" Rarity gestured towards the distant crevice, where a very dim light was visible. "Not that I'd blame them a bit."

"It wasn't attacking them! It wasn't paying any attention to them at all. Its nest is in that canyon, and it was trying to return to its eggs. It just didn't fit anymore! It was really confused. Then we picked on it." Dash hung her head a little. "Twilight feels even worse now than she did earlier about burning it like she did. She apologized through Fluttershy, but, y'know."

We digested this a moment while Rainbow Dash rested. Before we could think of anything else to ask, I caught movement out in the depths, and realized the eel was back. A tiny pink speck atop the eel's head seemed to be Twilight, and as the eel drew close enough for us to see every crack and chip in the fangs peeking through his parted lips, she drifted down to us from her perch. Fluttershy waved at us, remaining up top.

"Achilles here is going to continue to the canyon and settle peacefully beside it for now. Fluttershy will go with him, and we'll trail along to go reassure the sea ponies." Twilight swam closer and rested a hoof on my shoulder. "Are you up to the swim AJ?"

I didn't feel like it, but I nodded, and we set off after the eel. I made it, though it was a far longer swim than I'd expected. By the time we arrived, Achilles was stretched out on the ocean floor beside the canyon, waiting patiently.

No one swam up from the crevice to meet us. It was almost impossible to see anything in this portion of the seabed with all the disturbed sand and silt suspended in the water. Twilight fed more power into her horn, but even with that light, visibility was twenty feet at best.

We swam down into the canyon, vague shapes looming out of the cloudy water. Some were shelves and spears of stone or horns of coral, but a few were enormous shells secured to the canyon walls, plainly homes, what with the paint and decorations stuck to them. Many of the shells we passed were destroyed, crushed or holed by fallen rocks.

Rainbow Dash knocked on a few intact shells with no results. It wasn't until we reached the bottom of the canyon that we began to see more intact homes, many sheltered beneath an apron of stone which jutted out from the canyon wall. Atop this apron, gardens of kelp had thrived, but they were mostly buried in rubble now.

I noticed Twilight barely paying attention as Rainbow whipped around at her usual top speed, knocking on more of the odd shell-homes, trying to encourage the sea ponies to emerge. Twi chewed her lip, rubbing one foreleg with the other.

Fluttershy must have picked up on it too. "What is it, Twilight? What's wrong?"

"It's...I've never used my magic so violently before. Stun spells, sure...concussive force, yes. I've never tried to _hurt_ something like this before though. I honestly feel a little sick about it. And poor Achilles. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve any of what's happened to him." She shook her head, the fine hairs of her mane drifting about her in a cloud. "I couldn't think fast enough to come up with a better solution. I wasn't prepared. I guess I came to rely too much on the Elements. So stupid!"

We all moved to reassure Twilight with words and touch, even as a new source of guilt merrily took root in my brain. I just might've given Twilight a new complex. Congrats, AJ.

We barely got out a word or two for Twilight before sea ponies began to appear out of the clouded water, startling us into silence. They were a wildly varied bunch, with brilliant colors, camouflage designs, and features similar to my starfish freckles and Pinkie's hair. Some had coral-like horns, and not always just one. Others had seaweed woven into or growing in their manes.

One, an emerald-green stallion with a fiery red mane made of tentacles, thinner than Pinkie's, drifted to the front of the gathering crowd. "Welcome, brave ones! You vanquished the monster, I take it?"

Twilight drifted forward to meet him and performed a curtsey-like bob. "...In a way." She couldn't quite keep her polite smile from twisting. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash—" Twilight introduced us all in turn. "In fact, mister...?"

"I'm Steam Seeker, mayor of this village."

"Mayor, the 'monster' was just a normally-harmless eel in a bad situation." When Twilight explained the circumstances there was an explosion of debate over what to do with Achilles.

"He can't stay! Even if he's peaceful he'd eat this entire portion of the ocean bare in weeks!"

"We couldn't ask for a better protector for the village though, could we? He could eat giant squid for breakfast, or even rock-whales!"

Steam Seeker silenced the rest of the sea ponies with a sweep of his foreleg. "Enough. We have wounded to tend to. Is there a healer amongst you, by chance?"

Twilight nodded, and waved Fluttershy forward. "We all know a little first-aid, but Fluttershy is our expert. Please, show us to your wounded."

Having dressed plenty of scratches and even re-set a couple dislocations, I felt a small spark of hope I could help these strange folks out. It would go a long ways towards alleviating the guilt I felt over feeling so unstirred over their plight, earlier.

  
When we reached the town hall, located in the chambers of a massive nautilus shell, I soon realized my skills would be next to useless. There was nothing like a bandage down here, or gauze, or tape. The dressings I saw were held in place with either seaweed or globs of some kind of jelly. There were lots of wounded sea ponies, some resting on hammocks, others swimming with exhausted flexes of (often-tattered) fins, doing what they could to tend one another.

Steam Seeker gestured to the crowd, most of whom barely seemed to register the strange ponies in their midst. "Many were injured by falling rocks, and others hurt themselves in their panic to escape the monster. A few were in their homes when rocks crushed them. Those we could find, we brought here." He grimaced, bushy brows knitted together.

Fluttershy swam over to a sea pony who seemed to be in charge and talked triage, while Twilight began taking stock of the supplies we'd brought down with us.

A minute later, Fluttershy was tugging me towards an elderly mare with a crushed tail. "Um, Applejack, if you feel up to it? See what you can do to clean up the dressings on her? She's out of immediate danger, but she's in risk of going into shock. Talk to her."

Talking was about the last thing I wanted to do, but I gave it a try as I carefully unwound seaweed from around her tail. "Well, looks like it's been kind of a lousy few days for everypony, huh? Ah'm glad it's over now though, y'all can get back to a peaceful life."

I saw her mouth work, her eyes not quite seeing me. She was saying something, but I couldn't make it out. Beneath the dressings, I could see where a great weight had struck the mare. It had scraped her faded sunset-orange scales off there, the skin beneath purple and black with bruising. Blood clouded up through the water without the seaweed and sponge-pad there to absorb it. I found fresh seaweed and a new sponge had been placed beside me, and I worked to re-dress her, concentrating on shaping the dressing to stay snug despite her movements.

"What was that ma'am? Ah didn't catch that." Her silently-moving mouth was disturbing, so I kept my eyes on my work.

"Can't...ever go back to my life. My son. My granddaughter. They're..."

My gills clamped shut, and I slowly raised my eyes to meet hers. "Oh Luna's flank, no... Ah'm so sorry." If only we'd gotten here earlier.

"Applejack! Could you give me a hoof? I need to set this bone, but he keeps," Twilight grunted, "thrashing!"

I glanced Twilight's way, but reached out to squeeze the mare's hoof. "Y-you'll make it. Remember 'em happy, that's how they'd want it, right?"

Before she could respond, I dropped her limp hoof and fled towards Twilight and her patient, grateful for merely physical work. Guilt and pain were already tearing me apart from the inside. I couldn't bear such naked agony, such despair lapping over me from outside as well, even if retreating from the poor mare slapped another dollop of guilt and self-loathing on the pile. I barely recognized myself anymore.

It was hours before we'd done what we could, which felt like precious little. The sea ponies in charge of the wounded thanked us, and spelled for a short while, resumed their work as we swam back out into the village. Still curtained in suspended silt, the village looked eerie, like the setting for a ghost story. A few sea ponies were restoring lights around the village, hanging strange pods filled with a green glow from graceful arcs of some white material.

As the illumination spread, the scene began to look more like a town during a snowstorm, light picking out individual particles swirling in the silt, and I started to relax a tiny bit. Even at the bottom of the sea, life wasn't so different for ponies. Then the eerie factor jumped up the scale when I realized the 'lamp posts' were enormous, bleached ribs.

I felt my part in this adventure, failed as it was, had all but ended. I asked some sea ponies drifting by for a room, and after a short whispered conference, I found myself led into a home with a hammock. I hardly noticed the home was a giant clam shell and the hammock was woven kelp, I was that spent. I crashed, letting sleep block out the world and save me from my worries for a few hours.

I woke with that disconnected, out-of-the-loop feeling you get when you're the first to doze off at a party. I swam out of my little guest house and found Pinkie outside, playing some game involving blowing bubbles with the younger sea ponies. More of the silt had settled, so the village seemed brighter, less sinister.

Pinkie gave up her game the moment she saw me, and swam over to deliver a hug. "Applejack! Feeling any better? We're heading back to the surface in a bit. Sunshine's waiting for us up there!"

"What'd Ah miss?" I glanced around, but didn't see any of our other friends.

"Well, earlier they checked out that shipwreck that changed Achilles, and found out it was carrying a cargo of magical potions. A bunch had broken open, and Twilight figures some had mixed together to create an eel-swelling effect!" Pinkie gasped. "Do you think if I took a cake over there, it would become enormous? I could have a cake palace!"

I managed a shrug, and settled into a kelp sling set up outside the little house. It's what seemed to pass for a chair in sea-pony-land.

Pinkie frowned, and flopped on her back at my hooves, or rather, tailfin, rolling her eyes up to meet my downcast ones. "You're going to get better, you know? I did."

"What're you talkin' about, Pinkie? That time you went coo-coo because ya thought we were all avoidin' you and your parties?"

"Kinda. That was regression, for me, aaaaand a dash of crazy." She reached up to pat my tail, pink against shimmery orange and gold scales. After a minute, long enough that I began to worry about the bubbly mare, she finally broke her silence. "I wasn't always the pretty perky pink party pony you know and love today. You do still love me, right?" She stuck out her lower lip and made it tremble.

"'Course Ah do. Ah wouldn't have come on this trip if Ah didn't." As I spoke an insidious voice in my head wondered if that was true. Wasn't the real reason just to keep up appearances?

"Sorry. Just checking, 'cuz...I'm not as on the ball at reading ponies as usual lately. Anyways." She let out a sigh, a column of bubbles drifting past my nose and tickling it. "Back on the rock farm, I was a very sad little filly. It was a rough life, and not one I'd wish on anypony." Her voice grew soft while sifting through those old memories, losing a lot of the speed and energy I'd thought were inseparable from Pinkie.

"It didn't help that I felt I could really use some hugs sometimes...well okay, a **lot** of the time, but Mama and Papa Pie were pretty stiff ponies. Veeeeery spare with affection, praise, wood to heat the house with, you know." Pinkie shivered. "It was a cold house, in more ways than one. My sisters, well, I guess they were tougher than me. They just soldiered on, did their work, ate their oatmeal," Pinkie wrinkled her nose, "did their chores and went to bed."

I slowly shook my head. It was amazing that somepony like Pinkie had come out of such a drab, sterile-sounding place. "Sounds awful, Pinkie. Ah...Ah can hardly imagine what life would be like, if home wasn't a refuge."

"It was all I knew, though. I didn't go to school in town. Mama Pie taught us fillies at home." She paused again, and I reached down to rub her shoulder, the thick tentacles of her mane brushing my hoof. She leaned her head against my leg, and took a deep breath. "The longer I lived in that colorless world, the more I began to wonder...if I wanted to endure it at all." Pinkie's voice hitched on those last two words.

I nodded, before her words actually sank in. I stared at her, my ears standing stiff in alarm. It didn't make sense. Of all the ponies in existence, I could never link that to this mare. "Pinkie! Not—"

She nodded. "Yep. It seemed like it would be a," Pinkie dropped her voice to a stage whisper, "prison break." She shrugged, lips settling into a smile her eyes didn't echo. "Anything would have been better than those gray days."

I leaned down and wrapped my legs around her, squeezing her tightly. She let me, her eyes sliding shut, resting her head back against my chest. After soaking up some comfort, she swallowed and continued. "I would try to escape sometimes with my imagination, but Ma or Pa or my sisters would bop me for 'daydreaming' whether I was supposed to be working or not."

I cringed, fearing what the response to my next question might be. "Did you try to...?"

"Nope! I never actually tried. I started thinking about it though.” Her voice died to a whisper. The words barely vibrated the water between us enough to make it to my ears. “A lot.”

It hurt, a physical pain behind my ribs, to imagine Pinkie in straits like that.

She let her eyes slide open, blue gaze capturing my green one. “It's a trap your mind sets for itself, AJ. You can't see any way out. Even if I could have dreamed up a better life, there's no way I could think of a path to get me there. If someone had _shown_ me a path like that, I would have quit before even starting it, absolutely positively _sure_ it would fail.”

Pinkie tipped her head back again to smile up at me, a real eyes-and-mouth smile. “But before I could finally get up the nerve to de-Pinkify Equestria, I saw Dashie's rainboom, and it changed everything."

"That party you threw for your family?" I remembered imagining how grand a shindig that must've been, ponies cutting loose after years of nothing but work and keeping their bodies fit for more work.

"It really helped bring us closer. Laughing and smiling weren't forbidden anymore, and with my new cutie-mark, even _my_ rock-headedly stubborn family could see my place wasn't on the farm." Life seemed to flow back into Pinkie's speech as she seemed to reach the turning point in her story.

"They sent me to study with Granny Pie for a year, who taught me all I know about baking along with _tons_ of other stuff, and undid some of the damage living on the farm had done. She hugged me.” Pinkie squeezed my encircling legs tight. “She let me dream my dreams, and flower into the bouncing ball of joyful Pinkieness you know today! She let me be _me_."

She shook her head. "It didn't happen overnight, though the _usual_ way I tell the story, it sounds like it did." Her tone dipped a bit again. A colder current of water swirled past, making us both shiver. "My foalhood...it left me kinda broken. I want to be, _have_ to be everyone's friend now, because I had none back then. I could barely even call my family acquaintances! I'm crazy for good things to eat because I got nothing like that growing up. But—"

"And a party saved you, so no wonder you're always throwin' 'em, using 'em to try and fix any problem imaginable. When we all turned you down for that party..." I shuddered. "No wonder you took it so dang hard."

"Yeah, that was a closer call than any of you knew." It was hard to miss the rueful note Pinkie's voice picked up. "But I was trying to say, that's not the only reason I want to— _have_ to—be everyone's friend. Sure I love to see you smile," she grinned up at me, but somehow even underwater I could see her eyes growing misty, "but I also never ever _ever_ want anyone to feel passed over or left behind." She pointed at me, then back at herself. "Not everyone is as lucky as we are, with at least five totally fun-tastic friends to rely on, party with, or just spend time around."

"Ah know, Pinkie. You do a better job bein' everypony's friend than any single pony ever has, Ah reckon."

"It's still not enough though." Pinkie shook her head, then renewed her hug around my left leg, resting her cheek against it. "I'm not crawling at the bottom of the triple-sad trench anymore. I'm not even trotting at the very edge of it. But the right word from the wrong pony can push me right back into it." She squeezed me tighter. "I hate how simple it is. The right thing comes along and it calls back my doubts and fears. They bound back as eagerly as Winona does when you whistle her over!" She rolled her eyes. "I haven't figured out how to stop it from happening. I can see it coming, but all I can do is rebuild after the storm."

"I'm just lucky I have great friends who won't ever let me fall too far into the darkness again." She squeezed me tighter still. "I know you're down there now, AJ. Will you let us help?"

I was so exhausted, I could hardly imagine pressing on without help. "Ah—"

"Whatever the problem Applejack, we'll figure out something." Twilight and the rest swam up, returning from their business elsewhere.

I glanced down again at Pinkie, who hadn't taken her eyes off me. I nodded to her, a two-pony pact of sorts formed.

"If it's all the same to y'all, Ah'd rather talk about it back on the boat. Ah'm a mite sick of sounding like Ah'm garglin' every word."

"I hear that! And these fins are kinda cool, but nowhere near as awesome as my wings." Rainbow Dash performed a slow loop-de-loop. “It's impossible to get up any real speed down here!”

Fluttershy had a number of colorful fish swimming orbits around her, and looked like she wanted to protest, but of course, swallowed it and simply nodded.

Twilight rubbed her temples. "I sent a message to Celestia about Achilles and the shipwreck. She'll be sending medical personnel and a research team out here to determine how to reverse the potions' effects. She'll accompany the team herself, so she can meet with the sea ponies and properly reestablish relations between our, um, lands. Realms?" Twilight glanced around the little village, and shrugged. "Meanwhile, some of the sea ponies are helping heal the burns I gave poor Achilles. Burn treatments are about the only medical supplies they aren't short on!"

"Sounds like we've about done all we can here, then. Shall we?" I slipped out of my sling, and began swimming for the surface. The others followed, though of course Rainbow overtook me and began to literally swim circles around the rest of us. We had just cleared the lip of the village chasm when my stomach attacked again. It felt like something was burning its way out of me, and I faltered, starting to sink, dead weight.

"I'm going to teleport straight to the boat with her. I'll drop a flare over the side so the rest of you can find us easier, okay?" Twilight's confident voice filled my ears but I registered only a few words. I felt her forelegs wrap around me before the world wrenched around us.

We crashed to the deck of the yacht and flopped there, gasping for breath. Twilight lit her horn and restored us to our full pony forms, just in time for me to vomit onto the deck. Red stained the expensive wood planks, and Twilight cried out.  
"Applejack!"

I blinked down at the blood, and wiped more from my lips, hoof shaking. "W-well, that's new." I almost wished I could pass out, because chucking up blood was one more thing I couldn't cope with.

Twilight shot her promised flare off the side of the yacht, then helped me to a padded bench. She snapped orders at the crew ponies who approached, shock and concern on their faces.

"Bring some water, a pillow, some soft cloths, and a bucket!" She stroked my soaked mane out of my face. "Hang on, Applejack. I need to go fetch something." Twilight dashed off to rummage below-deck. I could hear her panicked voice drifting up the stairwell. "Come on, come on! Didn't I bring it this time?" When she reemerged from below, her eyes were wet and her ears were drooping. "I'm sorry AJ, I almost always pack my copy of Equestrian Field Medicine, but somehow didn't this time."

I sipped the water I'd been brought, and waved a hoof at Twilight. "Doubt you'd be able to do anything about it anyhow, Twi. Mah stomach's been tearin' me up for weeks...no, months Ah guess."

Twilight hoofed her face. "Applejack! It's one thing to be hardheaded about some things, but your health? Why? Why would you just suffer in silence?" Her voice rose, frustration coloring it and pumping the volume higher.

Because I felt like I deserved the pain. Because I didn't feel like I deserved to feel better. The words, the honest truth, were right there but saying it was so hard. It sounded so pathetic, so stupid, so sick in the head. I swallowed, and forced out the words. Lying hadn't gotten me anywhere good. "Ah didn't want to get better. Didn't...feel Ah deserved to."

Twilight's rump crashed to the deck, and the look she gave me was horrible. There was shock there, like I expected, but fear too. I could only guess it was fear for me, not of me. I could guess what was running through her mind. Applejack was ill, in the mental sense.

"Oh Applejack... No..." Her mouth twisted into a scowl. "Why didn't you ever—"

My eyes slid away from hers. I couldn't let her see the hot rush of resentment welling up in me, and tears squeezed out by more damnable self-pity. It felt like there were at least two Applejacks inhabiting one body, and I hated one of them.

Twilight being the brilliant mare she was, caught on pretty quick. Her eyes widened further, and filmed with tears. "That day at the library, when the river spirit—oh Celestia, AJ. I'm such an idiot."

Splashes to the port side drew Twilight away long enough to transform the others back and levitate them aboard. She set the yacht sailing back to Manehattan immediately before joining the rest around me.

"Do you feel well enough to tell us more about what's going on now, dear?" Rarity asked, after tucking a blanket around me.

"You've waited long enough for an explanation. M'afraid if Ah wait, Ah won't have the guts to spill the beans." Given enough time I could think of an excuse for my behavior, something that meant not baring my soul and problems to my best friends, burdening them with my baggage.

My friends nodded, and they waited for me to start. I levered myself up a bit more, and Fluttershy rushed to wedge more pillows beneath me.

"Ah guess it started with the farm. It hasn't been all that successful for quite a while. Ah try now and then to do somethin' to raise extra bits, like sellin' at the Great Galloping Gala, or competing at rodeos in other towns, but everythin' Ah tried fell flat.”

Rarity interrupted, waving a snowy-white hoof. “Applejack...when you say it hasn't been 'all that' successful, could you elaborate? I believe I speak for all of us when I say we never got the impression things were so desperate on the farm.”

If I'd had more energy I would have gritted my teeth. They were going to make me admit it. “...The farm's never done great, since Ah've been in charge. Seems like the day Ah took over from Granny, it's just been a slide downhill so slow, Ah could watch every inch, every bit less we made each year. It wasn't so bad at first. Y'expect to slip when you're learnin' the ropes.” I bit my lip. “But when y'never come close t-to doin' as well as your parents did, and the gap grows every year, hard not to figure out what's goin' on.”

Rarity flushed and ducked her head. I wondered if she was more embarrassed that she'd put me on the spot, or for me and my lousy handling of the family business.

“Granny kept mah spirits up. Gave me every excuse, a whole haystack of straws to grasp at for why profits kept dippin'. That kept mah concern as healthy wariness for a while, but Ah could only fool mahself, or let mahself be fooled for so long. It turned to worryin'. Ah was up late most nights wrackin' mah brain, trying to figure out ways to save bits and earn more." I shook my head.

"Instead bad news kept coming down the pike, and the tiny improvements Ah made were just washed away. Now," I choked out, tears brimming over, "we're havin' to put Sweet Apple Acres up for sale, 'cuz Ah couldn't manage it!"

I spoke right over the collective gasp from my friends. "And Ah just about got y'all killed down there thanks to mah lies! How w-worthless can a pony get?"

"AJ, stop it!" Dash snapped, voice cutting through the blubbering I'd started. "What's with this crappy already-lost attitude? I have no clue why you didn't just _ask_ for our help before, but you've got it now, and we aren't going to let Sweet Apple Acres go!" Rainbow stretched her forelegs towards me, wings flared to balance her, magenta eyes wide. She struggled to get words out past her scowl. “Why the hay didn't you come to us sooner? I mean, I know you're proud and all, but _sisters_ AJ!”

Dash dropped one leg to drive it into the decking with a report that made a few of the girls jump. “How do you think that makes us feel?” Her voice twisted into a squeal, breaking. “How'm I supposed to be a real, loyal friend to you when I don't even know something's wrong?”

Fluttershy stroked Rainbow, trying to bring her down from the peak she'd worked herself up to. She couldn't quite look my way while she spoke. “I know it can be really, really hard sometimes to bring your problems to your friends. You don't want to, um, burden them with anything when they already have so much to deal with.” She managed to turn enough to fix one eye on me. “But, um, it sounds more like you didn't think we could help? We've been through so much together, Applejack. I thought our bonds were as tight as they could be.” She hunched her wings. "B-but that's just me."

Fluttershy left Rainbow, landing by my bench with a gentle breeze from downy wings. One of those wings extended across my back, blanketing me. “What was it that convinced you your friends would be powerless in _this_ fight?”

“That's...a right good way of puttin' it, 'Shy. You _are_ powerless. Y'can't kick what Ah'm feeling. Y'can't reason with it, or pet it and turn it friendly. Y'can't even blast it with a magical friendship rainbow and turn me back to...heh, normal.” I shook my head. “This ain't your usual case of the blues, and Ah don't even know how to tell you how it's different."

"As for askin' for help with the farm?” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Pride. Ah guess that's what it was. The worse things got the more embarrassin' it would have been to let you know. Ah kept hopin' Ah could turn things around with a good year, 'cuz one good year would've meant repairs and new plantings... It would've meant more bits the next year, no matter what.” I dropped my nose into the crook of a foreleg and mumbled, “Amazin' how long Ah fooled mahself.”

Rainbow Dash stomped the deck again, baring her teeth. "What did I just tell you about that lousy attitude? The Applejack I knew was a winner, but _you_ sound like you've already lost, even though you just got yourself a dream team to help you out!" She snorted, ears flat, a faint tremor running through her legs. "And another thing! I wouldn't let anypony talk that way about you, so what makes you think I'm gonna let you talk that way about yourself?" Dash let her mouth settle again into a scowl, wings flared, her coat even standing on end along her back.

I rose from the bench, took two shaky steps towards Rainbow Dash, and leaned in until our noses nearly touched. "Apple Bloom cried herself to sleep before Ah left, thinking she'd sent our family to the poorhouse, thanks to me. Mac works himself to the bone every day to help make up for mah shortcomings. Granny Smith hobbles around like a timberwolf with termites 'cuz there's no free money to buy her that hip she needs. Ma and Pa trusted me to do them proud, and instead there's a _for-sale_ sign by the _gate_!" I stepped forward, crowding Rainbow back, while beating a hoof against my chest. "Stupid. Stubborn. Lying! Selfish!"

I'd backed an increasingly nervous-looking Rainbow almost to the rail before Pinkie stopped me, holding me back with a hug around my chest. "Stop, AJ. Just stop."

I gently shrugged Pinkie off, and stumbled back to the bench, shaking my head. "Ah thank y'all in advance for anything you can do to help with the farm. Ah honestly don't know if anything will help me at this point, though."

My five closest friends crowded in around me, all laying a hoof or a nose on my worn out body.

"Oh Applejack... You've always been the, m-mom of our group. So mature, so sensible, and level-headed. You were so patient with me, when we climbed the mountain to face that huge d-dragon. Ponies say I'm the kindest, but if you weren't so honest too, you'd have my element for sure." Fluttershy mumbled half of her little speech into my barrel, but I puzzled it out and leaked a few more tears.

"We started off at odds with each other darling, but we've come a long ways since then. You helped me _so_ much when I was going through that rough patch with Sweetie Belle. You're the absolute best big sister anypony could ask for, no matter what you think just now." Rarity stroked a hoof along my back, her voice thick with dammed emotion.

Twilight rested her chin between my ears. "You were the first pony I properly talked to in Ponyville, and you went on to save my life that night. You've fought monsters, toppled tyrants, befriended royalty, and somehow you've still fooled yourself into thinking you're worthless? I think even Discord would be impressed," she sighed. "I wish it was as easy as a touch of magic to restore you this time, but no matter what it takes, we'll do it."

"Yeah. I...I guess it's worse than I thought, y'know? You're awesome though, AJ. You keep me motivated, you know that? None of you may know this, but I can be a little lazy sometimes." Dash rolled her eyes at the various snorts that erupted over that. "Then I see AJ, working so hard every day, and then still putting her all into competition too without a break. She's the best athlete I know."

When Dash didn't follow up with 'besides me,' I choked out a sob. How much had it cost her to say something like that, whether she truly meant it or not?

Pinkie just held me, hogging most of the space around me, forelegs tight around my barrel. It felt good, I had to admit. I was genuinely being held and comforted, after I'd laid bare all my failures and deception. I'd held nothing back, and my friends hadn't abandoned me.

"Get some rest, AJ. We'll get you home, we'll save the farm, and we'll get you well."

Twilight's confidence gave me a spark of hope. Maybe we wouldn't have to sell after all, and with Sweet Apple Acres back in the black, I would be able to focus on healing.


	5. No Cure for Rot

Chapter Five

Once we'd reached shore Rarity argued that taking me to a hospital in Manehattan would be best, but she was overruled by the rest in minutes. Pinkie carried me on her back to the train, never complaining once about my weight. Once we'd settled down in our car, no longer the only passengers, Pinkie created a sort of barrier with our luggage to block out the sight of the rest of the ponies aboard for me.

I'm sure the others were confused, but the little haven did give me some peace. Staying hydrated and resting up, I was able to disembark under my own power at the station. We hadn't thought to send word ahead to Ponyville, so no one was there at the platform to meet us.

"Rainbow, would you nip on down to the farm and let Mac, _no one else_ , know where Ah am? Ah don't want to worry Granny or Apple Bloom any more than Ah already have." I raised my hoof towards her and Dash gave it a hesitant hoofbump before she blasted off from the platform, the downdraft from her wings ruffling our collective manes.

The other girls accompanied me to Ponyville General, where Twilight and I approached the front desk together.

"Hello. My friend Applejack needs to be examined right away. I have reason to believe she's suffering from a stomach ulcer as well as...severe depression."

I flicked my ears at the word: depression. How in the world had a word usually used to describe a little old hole come to mean the deepest, darkest depths a pony's soul could sink to?

The pony behind the counter hoofed over a clipboard, and Twilight was immediately in her element filling out the various forms, only floating it over to me for signatures and tidbits of information she lacked.

It was only minutes before a familiar face appeared. Nurse Redheart bustled out from the hall behind the desk, and took me in hoof. "You girls can wait here if you like. As soon as she's in her room, I'll come get you." She smiled at my friends, professional, reassuring. She gave one the sense that this was no big thing, and you'd be out of here in time for supper.

Her demeanor changed once we'd drawn out of sight, and she looked me over while we walked, ears swiveling about and tail flicking. "You missed your last physical, Applejack. I wish you'd made it. We can't help keep you out of here if you don't come to see us now and then, you know."

I nodded mechanically, a little dollop of guilt added to the mountain already there in my head. Redheart led me to an examination room and took my vitals, weighed me, drew some blood, peered into my mouth and ears, and scribbled on a chart for a few minutes. She heaved a sigh when she finished, and set the chart on the counter.

"Hop up on the table there Applejack, and the doctor will be along in a minute. We'll take good care of you, okay?"

“Thanks, Nurse.” I clambered up on the table, making an awful racket on the crinkly protective paper they always use on the darn things. I'd barely gotten settled when the doctor appeared, an aged unicorn with a gray beard and half-spectacles.

"Afternoon, Miss. Let's see here." He telekinetically flipped through my chart, drawing it along with him as he sat right beside the examination table on a stool. "Well Applejack, why don't you tell me what's been going on lately? It's been so long since I've seen you last, I didn't even recognize you." He smiled, nodding towards the crown of my head. "Didn't help that you're not wearing your hat."

I blinked, and craned my neck to peek at his cutie mark. He obligingly lifted the hem of his white coat to reveal a thermometer crossed with a lollipop.

"Doctor Sugar Coat! Ah'm sorry, Ah didn't recognize you either. It's...Ah guess it has been a long while, hasn't it?" I squinted. "You're not in, uh, pediatrics anymore?"

"Not full-time, no. The older I get, the less energy I have to deal with patients too young to tell me what's wrong, not to mention the squirming!" He tapped my chart. "That apple-a-day maxim must have some truth to it. It looks like we haven't seen you for anything but routine checkups in almost ten years."

I blushed a tiny bit. I had been sick a few times in the last decade, but we Apples tend to stick to home. Soup, tea, and bed-rest put me right, and I didn't have to deal with cold instruments, sterile rooms and strange smells. "We're a pretty healthy lot."

"Usually. So what's changed?" He set the chart aside and leaned back, crossing his hindlegs and resting both forehooves atop a knee.

"Ah got myself all worked up over...finances. Ah guess it was enough to drive me into depression, and over time the stress soured mah stomach. Ah felt nauseous at meals, didn't eat much. More recently it's started hurtin', burning, and a few days ago Ah threw up. There was some blood in it."

"Applejack, you've lost _twenty_ pounds since your last recorded weight. Just looking at you, I can tell you're exhausted. Your coat has no shine, your mane and tail are brittle. I'm going to confirm it with tests, but it's a pretty good bet you have an ulcer. If you're depressed, that's a whole other ballgame, and I'll be bringing in a friend of mine to help you with that."

He leaned forward, stretching out a hoof to plant it against my shoulder. "If you work with us, we can help. Will you work with us, Applejack? I'll bribe you if I have to." His other hoof appeared from behind his back, brandishing a sour green-apple lollipop, my favorite.

"Shucks, Ah don't need any bribes," I said while taking the sucker. "Ah want to get better. Ah hate feeling this way." I couldn't bring myself to admit to Dr. Sugar Coat that I doubted I could get better. I'm sure we could fix the physical problems, but my head was, like he said, a whole other ballgame.

"Alright then. I'm going to get you a wheelchair, and no arguments," he shook a hoof at me when my brows drew together, "and we'll get you to your room right after I run some tests. Roll onto your back for me?"

About ninety minutes later I'd been scanned, prodded, and probed, and was finally resting in a comfortable bed. If I wasn't mistaken, this room was across the hall from the one Rainbow had occupied when she'd injured her wing a while back. Nurse Redheart inserted an IV needle in my foreleg with enough skill that I barely felt the pinch, giving me fluids she assured me I badly needed.

Before she let the girls come up, she also pressed two pills on me. "These suppress your stomach acids, so that ulcer has a chance to heal up. Of course, without your acids on full blast you can't eat regular food without regretting it, so..." She scooted a little tray over my bed with a bowl of oatmeal sitting on it. A sliced banana struggled valiantly to keep it from looking completely unappetizing.

"Ah'm really not hungry..."

"Doctor's orders, Applejack! You need to get your strength back. If you don't eat this, we'll have to feed you in less pleasant ways, and none of us want that." She set a spoon on the tray and gave me an expectant look.

I sighed, strapped on the spoon, and dug in. Nausea set in after just a few spoonfuls, but under Redheart's watchful eye, I managed to finish most of the bowl.

"Good. I'll let everyone downstairs know they can come up now." She slipped out the door, leaving me with my thoughts for a bit.

I'd been shuffled around so much in the past few days, it was hard to snap back into focus. I rubbed my temples, and realized I had no idea where my Stetson was.

"Priorities, AJ. You're back home. You need to get out of here so you can get back to work. Maybe, just maybe, with the girls' help you can save the farm." If I could do that, then maybe there was hope for me.

A knock on the door preceded the girls, led by Mac. He edged into the room, extra mindful of the IV pole and other pieces of medical paraphernalia standing vigil by my bed.

"Made it through the briar patch?" I teased, when he finally reached my bedside, hovering over me. It might have reassured him if the smile I offered hadn't been so half-hearted.

Mac hissed through his teeth. "AJ, how'd you wind up like this?" He shook his head hard enough to put his mane in disarray. "An' how'd I miss the signs you were sick?"

"Ah hid 'em. Y'can't blame yourself Mac, it's all me. All of it." I reached up to pat him, but that only drew my foreleg from beneath the sheets, revealing the IV needle piercing it. I frowned when his ears drooped lower at the sight.

"Mac, you've done all you can to keep our family together'n happy. Workin' harder than ever on my account, it's a wonder you're not sick yourself."

He shook his head, the movement so ponderous Mac's head might as well have weighed as much as an anvil. "Didn't...didn't do so well keepin' us happy. Even while you were gone. Apple Bloom tried t'run away."

My heart took a lesson from my stomach, and twisted inside me. The girls gasped, lined up around the foot and other side of the bed.

"Y-you said 'tried.' You've already brought her back?" I tripped over the words in my hurry to get them out.

"Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo brought her back while I was still out knockin' on doors and raising Tartarus. They talked her out of it, looks like." His face had 'no thanks to me' written all over it.

"Mac, look at me. D'you _see_ where Ah am? This is where blamin' mahself for everything has gotten me." I jammed a hoof up against his big blunt muzzle. "Now don't you start." My blame was where it should be. Wouldn't do to have Mac stealing any of it. I grimaced at the nasty inner voice.

Mac snorted, and hunkered down, resting his chin on the bed. "Shouldn't have even brought it up. Just get better, AJ, and come home."

"Speaking of home, let's talk about what we can do to get Sweet Apple Acres back on its hooves!" Twilight smacked one hoof into another, face screwed up into a determined scowl that still came off as cute. "We were talking it over while we waited."

Rarity spoke up first. "Keeping up appearances is very important for a business, Applejack. I noticed the sales cart isn't in the best repair, and is a bit, well, _rustic_ if you catch my drift. Not that there's anything wrong with that, really!" She windmilled her hooves, deflecting the expected glares. "I simply think a different style would attract more customers, nowadays. I can dress up the cart for you."

Mac and I exchanged a furtive glance.

"The barn is the iconic face of Sweet Apple Acres, and, under your direction of course, I think I can effect some fantastic improvements there as well." She gave her mane an absent bounce with one hoof. "The better you look, the easier it is to land quality clients."

I saw several problems with all of that, but decided to simply accept Rarity's generosity and work out the details later. "Thankee kindly, Rarity. Ah'd appreciate any advice you can give me as a _successful_ businessmare, too."

Pinkie and Mac both caught my heavy emphasis and shot me looks, but nopony else seemed to notice. Rainbow Dash flared her wings, stepping away from the bed to punch the air with one-two combinations.

"I'll handle the weather, of course. You're going to get nothing but the best!"

But the growing season's nearly over, Dash. So many things I was leaving unsaid. I nodded at Rainbow, and we traded hoofbumps. She was so gentle with me, I felt she thought I must have turned to glass.

Pinkie reached over to tousle my mane, before plopping a familiar hat on my head. "I'm going to schmooze a deal with the Cakes and cater your meals for a while from Sugarcube Corner! You won't have to worry about grub, rub-a-dub-dub!"

That was actually a load off my mind, and an expense I could take off the budget. I gave Pinkie the best smile I could, hoping my relief shone through in it.

Fluttershy placed a little teddy bear on my lap, a big satin heart on his chest stitched with the words 'feel better.' "Twilight suggested that I talk to the animals who live near the farm, and make it clear your crops are off limits. A-and of course I'll work harder on that fruit bat problem." Her ears flattened. "I'm so sorry I haven't found a new home for them yet."

Before I could respond, Twilight leaned in closer. "Maybe Rainbow can help scout out some possibilities, Fluttershy. I'll be doing research on your problems AJ, and of course, putting my organizational skills to good use. Anywhere I can use my magic, I'll certainly use it, but magic isn't a panacea of course."

"A what now?" I asked, rubbing my eyes, suddenly feeling the weight of the past few days on me.

"A cure-all. Sorry, I'm sure you're tired. We'll get to work, and leave you to rest for now." Twilight herded the other girls before her, and Mac stood with a grunt.

He leaned over me, lifted my hat off to hang it on a bedpost, then planted a kiss on my forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow, AJ. Heal up, and get these fool ideas out of your head about letting the family down. We're in a rough patch, and it's nopony's fault."

"G'night Mac. Ah'll try." I watched him go, the door clicking shut behind him. Nurse Redheart returned just a few minutes later to take my vitals again.

"Do you feel like a bath before you sleep?" She asked, and I could see her trying not to eye my brine-crusted and clumped mane.

"...In the mornin'. Can't really think about movin' just now."

"Alright Applejack. I'll be in to check on you in a few hours. Nurse Cotton will take over for me around midnight." Redheart drew the curtains in my room, then slipped out again.

I drifted off into dreams of searching for Apple Bloom in the Everfree forest, my little sister always out of sight amongst the trees, sobbing like a lost soul.

It was a restless night, thanks to the dreams and the nurses checking in on me. The next morning Granny Smith brought Apple Bloom to see me, and I fought hard against tears at the sight of the sweet little filly.

She galloped to my bedside, and reared back to free her forelegs, giving me a hug I leaned into. "What's wrong with ya, sis? Did you get hurt on your quest for the sea ponies?"

I released her, stroking that fiery red mane of hers. "No, nothin' like that sugarcube. Ah've just been workin' myself too hard and not eatin', uh, enough vegetables."

She frowned, and poked me in the chest with a stubby hoof. "Your eyes did that swishy thing. You lied just now! What's really wrong?"

Lovely, even my little sister could catch me in a lie. "Well, it actually is true Ah haven't been eating enough, but in a nutshell? Ah actually worried mahself sick, for real. The doctors are telling me to take it real easy, get some rest, and they're gonna have a special doctor come talk to me about mah problems so Ah stop worrying so much."

Apple Bloom wrinkled her nose, one brow elevated. "Oh. Well, okay. Can you come home soon?"

I shrugged. "That's up to the doctors, sugar. Ah don't think they'll keep me more than a few days though." I turned my head toward Granny. "How're you holding up, Granny Smith?"

"Ohh, fit as a fiddle! Apple Bloom helped me make pancakes this morning, and we didn't burn a single one."

"One stuck to the ceiling though," Apple Bloom admitted with a sigh.

"Funny thing though, that friend of yours Pinkie Pie? She stopped by to tell us not to worry about cookin' for a while. She said she'll be bringin' over goodies from Sugarcube Corner, breakfast, lunch and dinner! Apple Bloom got more excited than a worm in an apple imagining eatin' pie and cake for every meal, but Pinkie said there'd be savory stuff to boot." Granny tilted her head. "Those other friends of yours have been all over the farm lately too."

My stomach sank. "Mac, he...hasn't spoken with you about anything lately?"

"Not that I can remember, anyhow." Granny winked a twinkly eye.

"Well, we're going through a bit of a rough patch with the farm's finances, and mah friends offered to help so we could turn more of a profit this year." I kept an eye on Apple Bloom, and sighed as she wilted.

The forlorn filly twisted my sheet between her hooves, unable to meet either adult's eyes. "Y-you said the other night we'd have to sell the farm."

"Say what? _Sell_ it? Sweet Apple Acres?" Granny's voice doubled, then tripled in volume. "No sirree! There's no way, no—no..." Granny worked her mouth and blinked.

"Granny?" I sat up some more, feeling my pulse racing.

"My back...hurts." Her legs gave out, and Granny sagged to the floor, face screwed up in pain. Apple Bloom rushed around the bed towards her, eyes wide, little hooves skidding on the tile floor.

"Granny? Granny? Granny Smith!"

I stumbled out of bed, throwing the sheets off in a panic. " _Nurse_!"

* * *

I lay back in bed, tears leaking out the corners of my eyes and running down into my mane. I blocked out the world with a foreleg across my face, and just marinated in my misery. It would sound bizarre to someone whose mind was working right, but it was satisfying in a way. It felt good to stop fighting the waves of sadness, and just let them claim me, gluing me to my bed like the useless lump I was. Maybe if I just stayed in this bed, didn't move and didn't speak again, I wouldn't cause any more harm.

A light touch on my leg brought me back to reality. I swiped the tears from my eyes, sniffling, and blinked up at Nurse Cotton.

"We have her stabilized, Miss. We're going to put her in here with you, once she's out of the ICU."

"She's gonna be okay?" I grasped the sleeve of her crisp white top, and cringed at the begging note in my voice.

"Doctor Steady Pulse seems to think so. Your Granny is tougher than the oatcakes we serve here." Cotton winked. She patted my shoulder, then took my foreleg and gave it a tug. "C'mon, let's get you into the shower. You'll feel better once you're cleaned up, then we'll go and see her."

Obeying was easier than resisting, so I walked carefully down the hall after her, one hoof on the railing running along the wall. The shower took up most of the room it was installed in and had all manner of assistive devices for ponies worse off than me.

Nurse Cotton found the taps amongst the jumble of equipment and got a nice hot shower started for me. She took shampoo and soap from a shelf and set them in a little recessed soap dish within the shower, then bowed me in like it was a coach and I was bound for a fancy ball.

The shower did help. I left it feeling more like a pony ready to make her own decisions and live her own life, as miserable as it was. Toweled but damp, Cotton—whose cutie mark was a folded pile of linens with a pink ribbon tied around them—led me through the hospital to a wing on the first floor where the staff-to-patient ratio was closer to one-to-one.

I found Granny dozing in bed, hooked up to monitors and an IV like the one I'd torn myself free of earlier trying to get to her after she'd collapsed. I nuzzled down at her wrinkled foreleg, mindful of the tubes buried in the spindly green limb.

"Granny? How're you feeling?" I watched her eyes flicker open and focus on me.

"Hey there, young'n. A mite sore, and not just in the 'ol ticker. Why'nt you tell me things were so bad?" Granny Smith squinted at me. "I may be shakier than I used to be, but I'm still sharper than a newborn tack!"

"Ah...Ah wasn't sure how to tell you, Granny. Ah was afraid you'd take it badly. After Ah left, Ah think Mac must've felt the same. But...mostly Ah was ashamed Ah'd let things get so bad."

"'Let?' Fiddlesticks, Ah know how hard you and your brother work. If doin' things the old way wasn't workin' anymore, and that's all you knew, how much blame can you swaller?" Granny patted me between the ears, smiling.

I grimaced. "Ah should've thought up something new, Granny. You did! You found the zap apples. If Ah could have found something like that—"

Granny Smith opened her mouth, then winced, and I realize I was having an argument with a mare who'd just had a heart attack. Great going, AJ. "Never mind. We're working on it, Granny. It p-probably won't come to that at all. You just focus on mendin' okay?"

Granny gave me another pat. "Ah trust ya young'n. You've got all the spunk and heart Ah did back when Ah was a rip-roarin' filly, and then some!" She mumbled, snuggling down deeper into the bed. "Fetch me another blanket, Applejack, would ya kindly? S'a bit nippy in here."

There was one at the foot of her bed, so I unfolded it and spread it over Granny. She dozed back off within seconds, and I watched her rest for a moment, thoughts spinning through my head. I'd come so close to losing Granny, the last close family member I had that wasn't a sibling. Mac and I leaned on her quite a bit after Ma and Pa passed, and not just emotionally. Of course, in the back of my mind I'd known Granny wouldn't be around forever, but this close call was a slap in the face from a skeletal hoof.

I settled into a chair by her bed, and that's where Redheart found me an hour later, dozing. She plopped another bowl of oatmeal into my lap, tugged down my jaw and popped some pills into my mouth, then stuck a glass of water in my hoof.

"Thought you could get out of another mealtime by avoiding your room, eh? I'm onto you, young lady." Nurse Redheart winked, and clicked off down the tile hallway to give me privacy again.

I stared at the oatmeal. "Buck up, AJ. You're here to get better, and this is part of it. Y'don't want 'em forcefeeding ya, do you?" I shuddered at the thought, and spooned up the lightly-flavored goop. I couldn't quite finish it, but I declared it a victory all the same, and set the bowl aside.

Just a few minutes later, Mac arrived, Apple Bloom almost treading on his hooves. I held out a foreleg for her, but she hesitated a long few seconds before edging over to let me hug her.

"She's doin' better, but they'll keep her down here a spell 'til they're sure all is well. Then she'll go upstairs to share a room with me," I whispered.

Mac settled back on his haunches, and leaned over Apple Bloom to murmur back. "Ah...Ah should've told her. Sorry AJ. She goes to bed so early, and is—" he flicked his eyes down at our little sister, "—every night 'til she turns in, so there didn't seem to be any opportunity. Plus Ah worried. Ah'm a coward."

"If you are, so am Ah, but it's water under the bridge, and we have to move on."

"W-wouldn't have happened at all if it weren't for me," Apple Bloom croaked, and I looked down to find her face damp with tears. "I-I-I just keep foulin' up everything."

Mac and I hugged her together, trying to press our love right through fur and skin. "Just bad luck, sugarcube, that's _all_ it was. Granny will be thrilled to see you when she wakes up, you'll see."

A new voice intruded, announcing itself with a touch of throat-clearing. "Miss Applejack? I'm sorry to interrupt. You have an appointment with me, just now. I'm Doctor Textbook, the resident psychologist."

I peered past Mac to see a short pot-bellied stallion with a bright orange mane and a peach-colored coat waiting for me.

"Go on, AJ. I've got things in hoof here." Mac shuffled aside to let me out of the rather cramped three-walled room, and with a friendly nod, Textbook led me back to the elevator.

His office proved to be in the basement, though there was a small window that let a beam of sunlight warm the room. The decor was a strange mix of colorful, foal-oriented objects and posters and sober gray-upholstered furniture. There was no massive desk like I expected, just a tiny table beside a filing cabinet.

Doctor Textbook waved me to a couch, and took a seat catty-corner to it. A plaque near the couch declared 'Textbook Definition' had received his certificate in psychology from a school whose name I couldn't pronounce, in Moonich Germaney. I took a seat on the couch, resting a foreleg along its back.

"According to your chart, Applejack—do you go by Applejack? I'm supposed to treat you for depression. I'm hoping I won't have to." He wrinkled his nose. "Fighting depression is like wrestling when you're neck-deep in molasses. It's exhausting."

I blinked. This certainly wasn't going how I'd expected. "Uh, if you're not going to treat me, then what the hay am Ah doin' here?"

"Oh, I didn't say I wasn't going to treat you. You know this time of year I see this kind of thing a lot?”

I raised one brow. “You do?” I couldn't recall hearing anything about anypony in town going through what I'd been weathering. But then, if they'd been as bound and determined as I'd been to keep it to themselves...

“There's a condition called seasonal affective disorder that comes on when the seasons change, but the transition from warmer weather to cold really seems to hit earth ponies hardest. Nature dies off or at best hibernates, and ponies with a strong link to the earth and what grows in it feel a loss, feel diminished. Some call it the 'winter blahs?'” He raised his brows, and I guessed he was hoping for some sign of recognition from me. I just blinked at him.

“Well. At any rate, I'm going to hazard a guess that something happened that brought on this depression. That's what I would like to address." He rolled a pen between his hooves. "When the kitchen's flooding, you turn off the faucet before you start bailing out through the window, right?"

I hazarded a nod, and when he said nothing further, I cleared my throat. "Hopefully yer already familiar with mah farm, just outside of town. Well, we've been doing poorly for a while now..." The story was getting easier to tell the more times I told it, but it was still painful relating it to a stranger who knew nothing of me or my history. All he knew about me was in my medical chart, and what I'd just told him. So in his eyes, I guessed I was a sick failure. Yep, that about summed me up.

"Okay, so financial troubles weighing heavily on your mind, obviously. You're experiencing feelings of guilt and blaming yourself for the straits you find yourself in, when there are two other adults in the household with eyes as good as yours and brains to match. Are you perhaps being a bit greedy with that blame pie, Applejack?" Textbook let his bushy eyebrows shoot up in what was probably an effort to goad a smile out of me.

I felt cold inside. "Ah feel like you're makin' light of this, Doctor. Ah'm responsible for the business side of things. That's the way it's been ever since Ah was old enough and Granny's eyesight got too poor for her to manage the books. Mac has the smarts to do the books, but he's wasted on them when he can do twice the work Ah can out in the fields."

Textbook scribbled in his notebook a moment. "So, you stopped eating well then started feeling sick to your stomach, you said?"

I felt a wave of weariness hit me. "Reverse that and you've got it right."

"Ah, mmm. You lost weight, lost interest in your usual hobbies, and you hid this all from your friends and family. Why do you think you did that, Applejack?"

"Didn't want to worry mah family. Didn't want mah friends tryin' to help, 'cuz Ah knew it'd be a waste of their time, and mine."

"But if you'd told everyone what was going on, they could have helped address the underlying cause, the failing farm, not just your depression."

"Ah..." My ears drooped. "Ah guess it was pride too. Ah could fix it and no one would know. Or maybe Ah didn't think anyone _could_ help. Ah'm not sure."

More scribbling noises drifted across from the psychologist's chair. "And what's going on now?"

"Ah just returned from a mission for Princess Celestia, with the other Elements of Harmony. Ah discovered, in the middle of a fight, that mah l-lies had made me unfit to wield mah Element. Ah let mah friends down, and it was only luck and their skill that we didn't all end up eel food."

"Ouch, another blow to your self-esteem, and more guilt. You came clean with your friends after that encounter?"

"Ah did, and they pledged to help me with the farm. Ah dunno if it will be enough, but it's movement towards black ink."

"Well, I'm glad you have such a fine support network. Is there anything else?"

"If you noticed, that was mah Granny Ah was with in the ICU. She's there because...” I paused, waiting for the burning in my nose to subside some. “When she heard about the threat of the farm bein' sold, she suffered a heart attack."

Textbook winced, and underlined something in his notes three times. "Well, no better place to have a heart attack at least, eh? So, Applejack, I have some good news for you."

I trained my ears on him, and sat up a little straighter. "That would certainly be nice."

"None of this is your fault. It's bad luck, a horrible, suspiciously long string of it, but not your fault."

I stared at him, incredulous. What sort of doctor was this? Hadn't he been listening? He began to natter on but I couldn't pay any attention, my mind was so completely overloaded with the foolishness he'd just proclaimed.

I watched him get up, cross to the filing cabinet and draw out a form he scribbled on. He passed it over, then crossed to the door, opening it and standing there, holding it for me. That was clear enough. I walked out of his office without quite realizing I was doing it and heard the door click shut behind me, leaving me alone in the basement hall. Slowly, putting one hoof in front of another, I started towards the elevator, running through what had just happened in my head.

Had I just dealt with a bad doctor? Had he just done me wrong? Wasn't it more likely I was in the wrong? I certainly didn't have a degree from Moonich. Maybe it was part of some larger strategy, but wouldn't something like that be harmful to somepony already damaged?

Riding the elevator up, I remembered I was still holding the piece of paper he'd given me. I smoothed it out against the wall and deciphered the nigh-illegible mouth-writing. Apparently, I was supposed to follow the directions he'd given me and come see him in a week. Had he given me any instructions? I'd been so thrown there at the end I could have missed a lot.

Stepping out of the elevator at the first floor, I started encountering ponies again in the hall. Some would smile and nod greetings like anywhere else in town, while others were far too busy or distracted by their problems to bother with social niceties. It didn't seem to matter whether they were pleasant as could be or had colder shoulders than a yeti; I wondered if my problems showed through, now that I wasn't keeping my mask up.

True depression couldn't be common, or I would've known it for what it was when it came along. Of course I'd heard the word, but it was still a shock when Twilight used it to refer to me. If I was going to get depressed, seems like I would have gotten depressed after Ma and Pa had passed, not when the farm started going under.

I put my thoughts on pause as I drew up to Granny's little alcove. It seemed wrong to call it a room, when it lacked that fourth wall. She was sitting up in bed chatting with Mac, while Apple Bloom dozed under a spare blanket on the visitor's chair.

"Howdy all." I drew the curtain across the missing wall to give us some privacy. "What'd Ah miss?"

"Nothing to write home about, young'n. I found out how cold their bedpans are, and how sharp their needles are, and Mac told me how your friends are gettin' on at the farm."

I raised both brows at Mac, who nodded. "Twilight Sparkle harvested the last of the apples, stored 'em in the cellar. Fluttershy combed the entire farm and had a talk with every critter she found." He scratched the back of his head. "That lil mare's somethin' else. I don't think we're gonna have any pest problems for a long time. Rarity took a look around, made all sorts of funny noises,"

I couldn't help but snort, picturing that.

"...And will come back tomorrow with all the materials she needs to spruce up the cart and farmhouse. We'll need to take you out of here for an hour at least to supervise, if the docs let us."

"How's the food Pinkie's been bringin'?"

Mac licked his lips. "Uh, I might have to start plowin' someone else's fields too to stay trim."

"Can't wait to dig into those vittles. They've been feedin' me like I was a baby bird!" Granny mimed exaggerated chewing motions, then retching.

"How'd your appointment go?" Mac asked, pointing at the paper I was still carrying around.

The little smile that had started to take root died. "Ah dunno. It was strange. Definitely wasn't quite what Ah expected. Ah'm supposed to see him again in a week."

Granny waved a hoof around airily. "It's gonna take you awhile just to get your _body_ back in fightin' form. Seems to me you should give your noggin at least as long. Prolly longer, with your hard head!" She shrugged. "Not'cher fault. Yer an Apple! Runs in the family."

Nurse Redheart nudged the curtain aside to peek in. "Applejack, we need to get you back into bed and put your IV back in, I'm afraid. Granny Smith, Doctor Steady Pulse will be by to check up on you in a minute."

I hunkered down to give Granny a squeeze, then followed Redheart upstairs. In no time I was bundled back into my bed. My nurse squinted at Textbook's form, frowning, before placing it on the bedside table.

"Somethin' wrong with it, Nurse?"

"It just...no, nothing wrong." Redheart swabbed my arm with alcohol and deftly slid the IV needle home again. "Just rest up. You're still in rough shape! I'll bring you some food in a bit."

"Lovely," I grumbled.

Mac slipped in when Redheart stepped out of the room, and I sat up a bit more.

"Still here, Mac? Y'should go home, get some rest."

"Soon. Wanted to tell you Horse came by t'day with his friend to do the appraisal." He planted his rump on the floor, and rested a foreleg on the bed, nestled beside mine.

"Oh. Uh, good. How'd that go?"

"AJ...it felt like strangers goin' through our family photos, pickin' and choosin' what would stay and go." Muscles in Mac's neck jumped as he clenched his jaw. "You know me, and it was _so_ hard to keep _quiet_ while they went on about improved this and depreciated that." His breath whistled through his nose, hot and fast. "AJ, we can't let this sale happen. We've gotta do something."

I couldn't stand the thought myself, but having the pressure of responsibility shoved back into my hooves made my head throb, and my throat felt like it was closing up. I couldn't let Mac think it was all on him from now on though; he didn't deserve that. _He_ had always kept up his end of things and more.

"Ah know, sugarcube. The girls should make a big difference, and...well, we'll figure out the rest. Go sleep, Celestia knows ya need it." I tousled his mane. "Oh, and toss that sign in the barn for now."

"I, uh, never put it up. Didn't have the heart to, yet." Mac rubbed the back of his head and shrugged.

"Well, that's for the best I s'pose. Go on, get to bed." I shooed him off, but he lingered long enough to trade nuzzles with me before trotting off for home.

"I hope we can keep that sign in the barn..."

Nurse Redheart bustled in with my meal, giving me something else unpleasant to dwell on for a few minutes.


	6. Out of the Woods?

Chapter Six

I watched the last of the day's prospective customers hurry home, eager to get out of the falling snow. I wasn't thrilled to be out in it myself, but during the winter, especially around Hearth's Warming Eve, ponies appreciated having fresh apples and warm apple-y treats available. I was one of the last produce vendors in the market this time of year, since few other ponies' crops kept as well as apples, months after picking.

I shuffled through the snow out from behind my cart and gave the little two-wheeled wagon a light buck to dislodge the fluffy white blanket from its awning. Rarity had replaced the old green and white striped fabric, faded from years out in the sun, with a deep crimson bearing a bold green block print around the hem. The apple-shaped bobble fringe had been stripped as well, replaced by a new, clever fringe shaped and colored to look like autumn leaves. The wood of the cart, a pale blonde before, was now a rich chocolate brown, stained and sealed against the weather. The darker color really let the bright color of the fruit pop, Rarity had explained, and I couldn't argue with her.

While the cart was definitely more attractive now, it hadn't done much to drive sales. A couple of out-of-towners had asked who had designed the cart, and ended up visiting Rarity's boutique as a result, without even buying any apples! That was about par for the course, I thought, as I packed up the cart and began the trudge home.

I thought back to last Monday, holed up in the library with Twilight. She'd gone over my books, but had found little she could suggest.

_“I've re-read everything on my shelves about business and enough on agriculture to qualify as an amateur pomologist, but nothing I've learned would get your farm out of the red fast enough to save it without incurring massive debt!” The alicorn slumped muzzle-first into the book she'd been poring through. A purple hoof shot out to wave at a stack nearby. “I wasted my time on half the books in here, too. So many business texts fixate on managing employees instead of refining manufacturing processes! If there's one problem you don't have, it's employee management.”_

_I browsed the titles of the dozens of books spread across the table, and felt both better and worse at once. Worse because none of them had been any help and Twilight had worked so many hours absorbing their contents for nothing, but better because even_ _with_ the benefit of more book-learning I may have ended up in the same straits. “Ah'm sorry Twi. D'you think Canterlot might have somethin' better suited to our situation?”

“It's possible. Spike? Spike! I need you to send a note to Celes—no, better make it Luna, this late. She can pass it on to the palace librarian.”

Spike stumbled downstairs, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Twi, you're still up? You need to **sleep**! You hardly got a wink last night, just like the night before!”

I squinted at Twilight. Only candle and lantern light illuminated the library this late at night, and the bags beneath her eyes had looked like shadows. Seeing them for what they were was alarming.

“Sugarcube, what's wrong? Don't tell me you've been losing sleep on mah account!”

She waved my words away like a puff of unpleasant smoke. “No, no, I...I didn't want to sleep.”

“More like was afraid to sleep. She's been having nightmares ever since she came back from that ocean voyage,” Spike said, hopping up on a free stool. He planted his paws on the table, leaning over a stack of books to get right in Twilight's face. “You wouldn't tell me what happened down there, but from all the moaning you do in your sleep I've got half the story anyways! Eels, misusing your magic, getting punished by Celestia?”

Twilight crumpled, Spike recoiling as she sagged to the table. “She, she should've taken my wings back. She should lock me up! I'm a monster!”

I darted around the table to slide my forelegs around her shoulders, while Spike clung to her side, trying to steady a body wracked with sobs.

“I-I can't close my eyes without seeing him, writhing, scorched and burning, _confused_!”

“Twilight, you saved all of us and the sea ponies from him, and you even got Achilles' problems solved in the end. Y'have to let this guilt go!”

She tried to push me away. “You think I haven't tried?! You think I haven't talked it through in my head, over and over? Logic has no place in this! It doesn't listen to reason!”

“Then just talk to us, Twi. Let it out." She finally stopped resisting my embrace. I stroked a hoof through her mane while she leaned into me, her panic-tinged breaths hot against my neck. "Spike's beside hisself, and needs to know how best to take care of ya. Come on, go on upstairs. Ah'll get us some tea.”

We'd talked it out for hours. I made Twi promise to tell Luna about her nightmares, though privately I'd wondered why the Princess in charge of dreams hadn't already intervened. Remembering the suffering and exhaustion on Twilight's face reopened the wound in me, letting fresh guilt well up. It was just another thing I held myself responsible for. Would I screw up all of my friends before I was done?

Fluttershy had finally found a site to relocate the fruit bats to, and just in time. They had already started to cluster for the winter, but with Twilight's magic, we had managed to shift them to a grove in the Everfree full of wild and overgrown peach trees.  
Pinkie continued to send us meals, though just two a day now, as we were straining her resources a bit, even with one less pony in the house now.

My scarf and wool-lined jacket did only so much to keep out the cold, so it was a real relief to park the cart and hurry into the house, knocking my boots off on the door jamb first. I stood in the sitting room for a moment, listening to the soft tick of the clock, and hearing nothing else.

The sight of Granny's empty rocking chair brought a scowl to my face, and I kicked my boots off onto the mat beside the door with a lot more force than needed.

"You go to a hospital to get better, not _worse_ ," I muttered. Catching pneumonia had weakened her so much, we had nearly lost her again, and it was an uphill fight for Granny every day to regain her strength.

Apple Bloom had been absent from the house and the farm in general more and more. Mac had talked to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and they had told him she doesn't like to talk about home life. She just seemed to want to escape.

With Mac's taciturn nature and his need to turn in early every night with the extra chores he was having to do, the farm house had never been so quiet and empty. It felt wrong, like the very life had been drained from the house. I knew it was my imagination, but it felt like even the light was _off_ in every room, too bright and glaring when it used to be gentle and welcoming.

I took off the rest of my winter gear, just in time to get blasted with winter air as Pinkie kicked open the door.

"Dinner time!" She skipped inside, saddlebags bulging, pausing just long enough to shake snow off of herself like Winona would. Relatively clean, she headed straight for the dining room. I followed, keeping my distance from the unpredictable mass of Pinkie's floofy tail, and wasn't surprised to see Mac dozing at the table.

Pinkie set out a few different parcels and opened them to reveal pot pies filled with veggies and savory gravy, buttery biscuits baked with herbs, and for dessert, a small chocolate cake. She did it all without a sound, managing not to wake Mac, then dragged me back to the sitting room by one hoof.

She settled on the couch, tugging me down beside her. "How are things?" Pinkie swung her booted hooves slowly, but otherwise remained rather sober, an attitude I was always grateful for when she asked me about this stuff. If she'd come on with her usual gleeful energy, as genuine as her concern might have been, I don't know if I could've read it as sincere.

"Well, Ah sure do appreciate everything you and the girls have done for us, Pinkie. Ah never should've hidden anything from you in the first place."

Pinkie rotated one forehoof around the other in a 'hurry up' motion. "You've told me that every time I've come over, silly fruit-filly! How _are things_?"

I shook my head. "Ah don't think it's going to make any difference. Not in time. Maybe if the timin' had been different, and y'all could've helped with the harvest and cider season, instead of now when there's not much a'tall left to do but care for the animals and sell what we've stocked up." I lifted a hindleg and rubbed it, willing warmth back into the limb.

Pinkie sighed, her head sagging towards the floor a bit. "What about you? Gotten your strength back?"

I flexed the leg I was rubbing, and nodded. "Ah'm gettin' there. Doc says Ah've gained weight back, and mah stomach isn't botherin' me near as much now, so Ah'm able to do justice to the meals you bring."

"And how's your mood been?" She looked me straight in the eye, and I knew it was no use lying. What purpose would it serve? Even if she couldn't help, at least I wouldn't have to exert the energy keeping up a mask around her.

"Not great. It's...getting harder every mornin' to get up and get to work. It doesn't seem like there's much point, y'know? Then Ah think of all the effort y'all went to, and are still going to, and Mac workin' himself so hard, and Ah can't bring myself to shut that all out and hibernate in bed like Ah want to."

Pinkie winced, and gave me a good squeeze, hugging me in against her side. Melted snow on her scarf dampened my coat. She released me from the hug, and caught my gaze again.

"Being powered by guilt isn't the best I could hope for, but you definitely don't want to make like a bear and ball up. Once you shut yourself off from the sun, from other ponies completely, it gets a lot harder to come back." She shook her head, shutting her eyes a moment. "I never did myself, it wouldn't have been allowed on the rock farm, but I made a friend here in Ponyville afterwards that did withdraw like that."

I guess I couldn't keep the surprise from my face, because Pinkie smiled, and gave my ponytail a bounce with her hoof. "Yes AJ, a lot of ponies get depressed. Not all of them are depressed for a looong time, but some are. There are tons of reasons for a pony to get depressed, and sometimes there doesn't seem to be a reason at all! They just feel sad, and...and wrong, and it never gets any better with the next day, or the next." She squinted at me. "Your counselor, Doctor—"

"Textbook."

"—Textbook hasn't mentioned any of this? Let you know you're not alone?"

I thought back to the sessions I'd had with Textbook Definition and couldn't remember anything about him mentioning depression being common. "He mentioned 'winter blahs' but otherwise? Ah guess it hasn't come up." The sessions since the first hadn't gotten any better, and my mind tended to wander whenever he got on a tear about one thing or another, so I kept missing instructions and exercises he wanted me to carry out. He never asked about the 'homework' at the next session though, so he hadn't caught on to my blanking out yet.

Pinkie's lips quirked downward when I mentioned the blahs. "I think you should check and see if there's anyone else there you can try. Do you feel any better after a session? Do you feel he's someone you can confide in?"

I didn't have to think about it at all to shake my head to both questions.

"There! He's no good!" Pinkie shouted, chin lifted and eyes blazing. A bang and a clatter of flatware from the dining room told us Mac had been rudely awakened.

"So yeah, dinner time. See you tomorrow, AJ. We're gonna beat this." She gave me another squeeze, nearly crushing my bones to powder, before darting out the door into the now-dark evening.

I nudged the door shut against the cold, snowy night, then dragged myself through the too-quiet house to the dinner table. Mac was waiting for me, blinking at his pot pie. He looked up when I plopped into my chair, dragging my own pie closer.

"Are we even treadin' water Mac?" I asked, fork slicing through the flaky crust, letting gravy and vegetables spill out. "Or are we just sinkin' slower?"

"We're doing all we can. The longer we keep from sinkin' the longer we have to figure out a way out of this mess. All of us are workin' on the problem now, AJ." He tapped his head with a hoof nearly the size of his plate. "We're bound to hatch an idea sooner or later."

We ate quietly, thinking, or maybe just too tired to speak sensibly any more. I kept catching Apple Bloom's plate out of the corner of my eye, and it was like a kick in the gut every time, seeing her seat empty.

I was about to get up and venture out to look for her when the door banged open, a snow-covered filly stumbling in. She stomped herself largely clean, unwound her scarf and spat it onto the coat rack.

"Dinner's waitin' Apple Bloom. There's some chocolate—"

"Already ate. G'nite," she mumbled, and started upstairs.

Mac eyed me, and I knew what he expected. We ate as a family, and this behavior from our little sister wouldn't stand. But bawling her out and forcing her to sit somewhere she didn't want to sit wasn't likely to make her want to start spending more time at the house, now was it? I shook my head at Mac, and cut him a slice of cake.

"Ah'll read her a story tonight, if she lets me." If tonight was like the others since I'd returned to the house, I knew how that would turn out.

I ate a slice of cake myself, then bundled the leftovers into the ice-box before heading upstairs. I tapped on Apple Bloom's door, and almost stumbled forward when it opened, not quite latched.

Apple Bloom was in bed, back turned towards me, a nightlight providing a fair bit of illumination. I took a few steps into the room, avoiding some crayon drawings and a barrel hoop on the floor.

"Apple Bloom?" I murmured, watching the red-maned blanket-lump. When she didn't respond, I drew closer and sat on the bed, just being there with her for a moment.

"Sugarcube, Ah know things have been real rough lately. Ah'm sorry to say we aren't out of the woods yet. Ah won't lie to you. You did rack up a lot of bills, but Apple Bloom, it only accelerated somethin' that was happenin' anyways. Can you trust me on that?"

I rested a hoof on the lump. It sniffled, and a wet "Uh-huh," drifted up to me.

"Okay. As for Granny, that was poor timin' Ah admit. She had to be told sometime though. It should've been me or Mac who told her, but neither of us had the guts to do it, 'cuz we were afraid she'd do exactly what she did. But if we'd broken it to her gentle-like, maybe things would've been different. It's our fault, your brother and sister, for not actin' our age and takin' responsibility. Don't go taking that on yourself. It happened, and bad things do happen, even to good ponies."

"But _why_ do they happen?" Apple Bloom twisted around to face me, tears falling freely to the sheets. "Granny Smith is the sweetest old pony anywhere, and she's been so sick and miserable, wrapped in all those wires, so weak!"

I sprawled beside her, tucking the shuddering filly in against my chest. "Rain falls on the fair and the foul, Ah guess. Things...happen, good and bad, and sometimes a lot of bad things stack up in a short time. You can spend so much time fussin' over the bad that you don't even see the good, or worse, you miss out on it totally, so there's only the bad."

As true as the words were, I felt shame growing in my breast as I recited them for Apple Bloom. I knew these scraps of wisdom, but I'd forgotten them, or let the bad events that had piled up obscure everything else, even the memories that could have helped me.

"Mac and Ah miss you, sugarcube," I whispered, tears of my own leaking into her mane. I squeezed her tighter. "The house don't feel right without you here."

"I-it doesn't feel right without Granny either." Her crying and sniffling ebbed a bit. "It's been hard watchin' you too. You're so much quieter than you used to be. I haven't seen you play horseshoes, or practice your ropin' in forever. S'like someone came along and...pressed all the juice outta you."

Technically what was left after juicing was still an 'apple' but not one anypony would recognize or want to eat. I gave her left ear a kiss.

"T-the kids at school..." She sniffled hard, and rubbed at her nose with a hoof. "Some of 'em said you're crazy."

How right were they, really? "They wouldn't know crazy if it bit 'em on the flank."

"B-but, I told 'em you told me about that doctor you were seeing, talkin' to about your problems, and they said only crazy ponies have to do that."

I sighed, and squeezed my sister closer. "Ah'm just sick, not crazy, sugarcube. And Ah'm getting better. It'll just take time, okay?" Yeah, you sounded real convincing there, AJ. Can't you even put enough energy into it to stop your little sister from worrying?

"'Kay." She dragged her pillow closer, tucking it under her cheek.

"Ready to sleep now?"

"Yeah. 'Night big sis."

"Night night lil sis." I nuzzled a kiss into her mane, then slipped off her bed. After fixing her covers, I slipped out into the hall, and pulled her door shut. After a moment, I felt my mouth relax into a smile. At least one thing had changed for the better.

* * *

The next morning's routine was more of the same, and by seven-thirty I was in town square with my cart, hawking apples and fresh-baked pies. Business was brisk for a change, as the sun shone nicely all morning. When afternoon rolled around though, the weather team moved the clouds back in, and a chill enfolded my bones again.

A pair of earth ponies I'd never seen in town before were hanging around the square, occasionally talking to a passer-by or shop owner. Whatever they were offering, nopony in Ponyville seemed interested. Some rejected the pair very loudly indeed.  
I realized that old-AJ would have confronted the pair, upsetting folks as they were, but I couldn't bring myself to intervene. I only had so much energy to spend in a day, and more and more I had to pick my battles.

As the day dragged on, I watched the two come and go, likely visiting other parts of town. Before I could really dwell much on the pair, I noticed a crowd growing at the other end of the square. It was lunch time, and ordinarily business would be brisk. Ponies were even leaving their stalls, pulled like iron filings to a magnet.

"I wonder what—no, I've got apples to sell. Whatever it is, it ain't apples, and they'll be back my way eventually." I did my best to quell my curiosity, and checked the cart's display.

A familiar multi-hued streak overhead drew my attention back towards the square. Rainbow Dash hovered over the thick of the crowd, waving a sack of bits and yelling.

“Okay, now I just gotta know what's happening.” I turned and trotted towards the small mob of ponies, passing stalls and carts that their owners had apparently deserted.

A familiar voice finally rose above the hubbub as I drew closer. “Mares and gentlecolts, please don't push! You will all get the opportunity to purchase cider reservations for the comin' year!”

My ears flicked flat to my head. “What? Apple Bloom!”

I began shoving through the crowd, but it was surprisingly tough going. Ponies were serious about this, and it wasn't until they saw just who was trying to get past them that they gave way, however reluctantly. After three minutes of wading through the milling mass of ponies, I gave up on any semblance of politeness.

“Make a hole! Cider police comin' through!”

Finally I made some progress and reached a makeshift stand precariously balanced atop the wagon Scootaloo used to tow her friends around in. Apple Bloom blinked up at me, then grinned, just a trace of unease warping the corners of her smile.

“O-oh, hi AJ.”

“What 'xactly is goin' on here, Apple Bloom?”

Sweetie Belle popped up beside her crusader sister. “We're selling cider reservations!”

Scootaloo appeared at AB's other elbow, the three crowded together behind the tiny stand. “There are a lot of ponies who don't get as much cider as they want during cider season, or any cider at all even, so we thought this could be a good way to...”

“To make some more money for the farm,” Apple Bloom finished, drumming her hooves on the stand.

I pulled a hoof down the length of my face. “Apple Bloom, we can't do that! It's first come, first served, and that's the way it's always been. We can't take any sort of orders in advance or make any kind of promises like this, especially for bits! We can never be sure what the harvest will be like!”

The three crusaders nodded. “We know. And so do they,” Apple Bloom pointed to the crowd. “We made it very clear that the reservations aren't a promise, just a, uh,”

“Preference!” Sweetie Belle chirped.

“Right, preference.”

Rainbow Dash flapped her way down to the ground, forcing the close press of ponies to make room for her. “AJ, c'mon, they thought it through pretty well! This way I'll finally get some cider before Pinkie buys half of it!”

I flicked my ear when I heard Apple Bloom whisper to Scootaloo. “S-should we tell her Pinkie bought 50 mugservations while she flew off to fetch her bits?”

Rainbow heard them just as well as I did, and her face crumpled. Actual honest-to-Celestia tears pooled in her eyes.

“Rainbow, just... Rrrgh, this has all gotten so complicated!” I stomped a hoof and tossed my head, feeling my mane whip the back of my neck. “Ah wish you'd talked this over with me first, girls.”

Apple Bloom dropped her eyes from mine, and ran a hoof along the edge of their stand. "Ah...Ah had to do something, sis. You and Mac are workin' so hard. Granny's still laid up." She set her little jaw and met my gaze again. "After all the times Ah screwed up, it's only fair Ah do somethin' to pitch in!"

Sweetie Belle gave my little sister a hug, tucking her muzzle in behind her ear. When she surfaced from the candy apple-colored mane, her eyes shimmered up at me. "Scootaloo and I just had to help. We felt awful when we heard our, um,"

"Hijinks?" I supplied.

"Yeah, those. When our hojunks messed things up for your family so badly."

"Dunno if you noticed, but we've been trying to cool it for a while now." Scootaloo shot me half a grin, her drooping ears broadcasting her guilt.

"That's mighty sweet of you girls, and Ah do appreciate you taking it easy for a bit. Ah just don't know about this cider business, though!"

Carrot Top nudged out of the crowd and spoke up. “Applejack, I can't speak for everypony here, but we aren't buying these things just because we love your family's cider.”

A generally positive murmur went up behind her. The farmer glanced back at the mob before continuing. “We're paying twice you know. The reservation doesn't pay for the cider, just assures us preference in getting the opportunity to buy it. We think your cider is worth paying twice for. We think Sweet Apple Acres is worth it, and we think you and your family are worth it.”

Carrot Top stepped closer, resting a hoof on my shoulder. “We're neighbors, and I've seen first-hoof the kindness, generosity, and honesty of the Apples. Your family may as well be neighbors to the whole town though, for all you do for us. From saving us from stampedes, to giving us great times on your farm, to lending a helping hoof without even being asked.” She dropped the hoof to thrust it at the crusaders. “I'm happy to do my part to help keep the Apples in Sweet Apple Acres! It wouldn't be nearly as sweet without them.”

A rousing cheer went up from the crowd, and I found myself fielding a seemingly-endless chain of hoofshakes, hugs, and hoofbumps from excited ponies. When the dust settled, a pile of bits the size of Apple Bloom sat in the wagon. I stared at it, conflict rampant within me.

Dash wrapped a foreleg around my neck, plopped my hat atop her own head, and tousled my mane. “Well AJ, it sorta looks like Ponyville might want to keep you around, doesn't it? Kinda even looks like it's because you're so awesome, not just because you're the only apple supplier around here. They're not even your close friends, so you can't say they're biased.” She practically leered at me, radiating so much smug I was surprised it didn't form a cloud she could walk on.

“Yeah, well, they could just all be cider junkies like you. Ah swear there's nothin' addictive about our cider, but ponies like you make me wonder, Dash.” I shoved her off and stole back my hat before she could get airborne and taunt me with it.

“Just remember this, AJ,” Rainbow said, expression settling into serious lines. She trotted over to the pile of bits, and swept her hoof over it. “You're not worthless. You never were. You're worth waaaaaaaay more than bits could ever cover, but as a token effort, this wasn't bad.”

Embarrassed heat and a flush of pleasure ensured I barely felt the cold for the next hour.

By the time I packed up the cart that night, I noticed I was alone in the square apart from the pair of unfamiliar ponies I'd noticed earlier. They were shivering in the lee of a building as wind blew flurries about and the sun began to think seriously about setting. The mare leaned on the stallion, while he tried to position their single travel-bag to better block the wind for both of them. I heaved a sigh, and wandered over.

"D'you two have somewhere to spend the night? Ah can offer you some room in mah barn if you don't mind sharin' it with some animals."

"That'd be swell, lady! My sistah and I have been looking for work since we god heah, but we ain't found nuffin' yet." The stallion gestured to his companion. "This is Tacks, and I'm Brass." Tacks' cutie mark was literal, a crossed pair of tacks with very sharp-looking points. Brass' flank sported a row of gleaming, yellow metal buttons. It was one of the biggest, boldest cutie marks I'd ever seen, nearly oversized for his body.

"Y'all from Manehattan? Ah've got some kin there." I waved them to follow me, and headed back to the cart, hitching myself up.

"Golly, you've been standin' out here all day sellin' apples? Lady, you need some advertisin' or something. If you've got the goods, why not make 'em come to you?" Brass shook his head, pale red mane shedding a puff of snow. "Beats comin' out here."

"The name's Applejack, by the way. Beats 'lady,'" I muttered, pulling the cart towards home. "Sometimes you have to go to where the customers are."

"That's just stupid," Brass said, not cruelly, just stated as a simple fact. "If you're out here every day, I bet d'ere all makin' measly lil purchases, ain't they? I betcha if you stayed home warm and snug, they'd wait 'til they couldn't stand the thought of anudder day wifout apples, come to your farm, and buy tons atta time."

Tacks trotted up on my other side, her red mane and bold yellow coat a perfect match for her brother's. In fact, the two reminded me of another pair of twins that had accosted Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres specifically before, if only in color.

"Sorry about him," she winked, "we'ah both a little, uh, direct." Her ears drooped. "Our parents insisted it was a virtue, but really it's caused us nuffin' but trouble most of our lives."

"Tell me about it," Brass sighed. "Like that gray pegasus deliverin' mail. I tried to tell her she should get her eyes looked at, and then asked if there were any openings at the post office, and she just about knocked us over flyin' away!"

I groaned inside my head. No good deed goes unpunished. These two were going to be tons of fun to have around. "Well, a little more thought might've convinced you that if none of her friends here in town had told her about her eyes, that it was _probably_ somethin' she's been living with for a long time, and _could_ be powerful sensitive about?"

Brass pondered that a moment, almost running into the fence post beside the gate at the farm. "Nah, she woulda told me insteada just flyin' off."

I glanced at Tacks, who rolled her eyes and mouthed the word 'thick' at me. I smirked a tiny bit, and parked the wagon. I paused before the doors of the barn, looking back at the twins. "Uh, have you two eaten yet?"

Two heads shook, half-melted snow crystals flying from their manes.

"Alright, well, come on inside and Ah'll fix you some grub. Maybe we can figure out what kind've work you can do, and figure out who in town would be interested, later." I led them back to the house door and opened it for them.

"Thanks Applejack. You're the nicest pony we've met in this weird little town," Tacks grinned, slipping past me inside.

"Definitely. Real pretty too, aside from those funny white spots."

I pulled my hat down over my eyes, and followed them in. What had I just unleashed on the household?

Pinkie arrived with dinner moments later, and was surprised to find me cooking. That was nothing compared to her leap-in-the-air shock at the sight of two unfamiliar ponies sitting at the dinner table, chatting with a nonplussed-Mac.

"New ponies? And nopony **told** me?"

"Pinkie, meet Brass and Tacks. Tacks, Brass, this is Pinkie Pie."

"Yah kinda loud, lady," Brass mumbled, ears flattened to his head.

Tacks at least waved a hoof, but her ears mirrored her brothers'.

"I'm just excited! New friends! It's not every day I get to meet somepony new! Well, most days these days, since Ponyville's turned out to be such an exciting place, or frequently-damaged place, so it's either tourists or contractors or trauma surgeons or—"

I stepped up from behind and popped a stewed apple in Pinkie's mouth. "Taste this. More honey?"

She mulled the question and the morsel over for a few seconds. "No, more brown sugar, and three more cloves, but whole, don't grind those ones." She unloaded her saddlebags onto the table. "I didn't bring enough for five ponies, buuuuuut seeing as how you're new in town that qualifies as grounds for a party! And a party calls for cake, so," Pinkie whipped a three layer cake from nowhere. Literally, nowhere.

I was standing behind her, watching when she reached back to get it, and the cake simply, sneakily slipped into being.

" _Emergency cake_!"

"I'm a lil worried dis pink pony's gonna asplode," Brass muttered to Mac and Tacks.

Tacks gave her brother a shove. "Thanks for the welcome, Pinks. If we have our way, we hope to stay heah in town long-term."

Pinkie sat so swiftly, her chair spun around twice before coming to rest on two legs, backwards, against the table. Pinkie sprawled half-across the table towards Tacks, chin in her hooves, rapt. "Oh? Whatcha gonna do here?"

"Brass and I are cobblahs! We make fancy foot-wear for ponies, gryphons, pretty much anything what's got parts they walk on. We apprenticed in Manehattan, but our mastah brought his son into the business, so there wasn't a place fer us, in the end."

Brass mimed tossing something at the wall. "So we threw some dahts at a map to see where we'd go, and it was Ponyville!" He shrugged. "Well, actually dat scary forest next to it, but we figgered close enough."

Pinkie nodded about a dozen times, brow furrowed in thought. "We should introduce you to our friend Rarity. She makes fancy clothes, but I don't know if she's ever dabbled in cobblering. Hee, dabbled. Dabblers. Dabbling... Let's eat cake!"

By the time I finished cooking up enough food to supplement what Pinkie had brought, half the cake was gone, and streamers had appeared in the dining room. It was the closest thing to a party I'd been to since returning from the sea voyage, and it wasn't bringing back the best memories.

Apple Bloom slipped inside along with a gust of frigid air, and arrived in the dining room wide-eyed at all the noise. As soon as she saw Pinkie she relaxed. Finding Pinkie at the center of a disturbance was perfectly normal for our town.

"Oh, here's our little entrepreneur! I'd say she deserves an extra slice of cake tonight," I smiled, tugging her in close to deliver a hug and a noogie.

After Apple Bloom escaped my clutches, another round of introductions was made, party hats materialized and found their way onto heads, and dinner continued.

"If everyone's okay with their meals, Ah'm gonna slip on over to the hospital to see Granny. Ah missed seein' her yesterday," I said, shoving my chair back from the table. "Mac, would you settle our guests in the barn when they're ready to call it a night?"

"Eeyup," Mac nodded, leaning back to pick his teeth.

"Your gran's laid up? M'sorry to hear it. She gonna pull through?" Tacks asked, the concern on her face making up for the blunt question.

"The docs all think so, and she's been makin' good progress. Family's real important to us Apples though, so Ah'm gonna make sure Ah see her before she conks out for the night." I tipped my hat to the twins, then hurried to the door to get back into my winter gear.

Granny was asleep by the time I reached her room, the same one I had stayed in for a week after returning to Ponyville. I had never actually shared it with her because she ended up staying in the ICU so long.

I took her hoof in both of mine, balancing against the bed. "Sorry to wake ya, Granny. Didn't want to miss seein' you another day though."

She blinked awake, and gave me a big drowsy smile. "Applejaaaack. Good to see you, lil sugarbeet. How's life?" She gestured to the rather drab room. "Can't wait to get back to it m'self!"

I smiled, patting her hoof. "Life's good, Granny. Can't wait to get you home. Apple Bloom and Mac and Ah miss you bushels and bushels."

"How're them pies sellin'? You rememberin' to sugar the crusts up right?"

I rolled my eyes, but my smile didn't budge. "It's been years since that time Ah forgot."

She just eyed me until I groaned and nodded.

"Yes, Ah've been sugarin' the crusts 'til they sparkle."

"S'important this time of year. Makes 'em look like they're dusted in snow!"

"They haven't really needed much help in that lately," I groused, waving a hoof vaguely towards the window.

"Ohhh, come now Jackie, you used to love the snow! You'd make snowponies, and throw snowballs at Mac, and go sleddin' with your friends!"

"Snow's only fun for foals. When yer grown yer too busy workin' to have any fun with it."

"Well goodness gracious, I never expected to hear such sour words out of my sweet Applejack! You need to slack off now and then for some fun." Granny lifted my hoof and pressed it to her cheek. "Keep rope taut all day every day, rain and shine, and it's gonna snap."

I wanted to tell her I couldn't afford— _we_ couldn't afford—me taking a single hour away from work for play, with ruin hanging over our heads, but I'd already forgotten one bit of wisdom from my elders. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to say I knew what was best, even for myself. It wasn't as if I'd taken great care of myself lately.

"Alright, Granny. Ah'll take a little time off." I bent to kiss her on the forehead. "Can Ah getcha anything before Ah head home?"

"No dear, I'm fine. See you soon!"

I exchanged smiles with Nurse Redheart out in the hall, who slipped past me to tuck Granny in for the night after I left.

The hospital halls were never quite empty even late at night, of course. There was always a nurse or two, and a doctor drifting around on-call. Still, it was a lonely walk to the elevators and out through the lobby in the largely-quiet hospital, past normal visiting hours.

Outside the flurries had stopped, and the weather team had rolled back the clouds to reveal a gorgeous display of stars. I stood a long moment, the plumes of my breath torn away by the stiff breeze, to admire Luna's work. The stars were ice crystals, flashing in the moonlight as they sank into a pond so deep and black you'd never see the bottom.

I shivered, thinking back to our time under the sea. We came so close to doom in an abyss like that.

I saw a flash of movement against the stars, and squinted. A pegasus out for a late-night flight? It wasn't until enough moonlight fell on her that I realized it was Fluttershy, which struck me as very odd. It was hard to mistake her for anypony else though; her long mane and tail and butter-colored coat, nearly silver in the moon light, were distinctive.

I whistled between my teeth, and I saw her head move. She circled down in a lazy spiral, touching down in the snow with a delicate quartet of white puffs.

"Hi AJ. How are you doing?" she asked, eyes flicking over me.

I held back a smirk when I realized she was treating me like one of her animal patients, checking to see if I was gaining my weight back and all. "Improvin', sugarcube, thankee. What're you up to, out so late?"

She dug a hoof into the snow, lifted it and dug again, then lazily drew a stripe beneath the two holes to finish a smiley face. "I couldn't sleep. I kept...thinking."

"Yeah, thinking'll do that," I sighed, drawing a wobbly apple in a snowbank myself. "Anythin' specific?"

She was quiet such a long time I wondered if I was going to get anything out of her at all, but Fluttershy finally pushed the words out. "You. Sweet Apple Acres. Even Granny Smith being so sick. I...I guess I had gotten used to things being nice, after Twilight arrived and we all came together?"

I nodded. Fluttershy and Rarity had been friends before Twi's arrival, and Rainbow Dash and I had been at least friendly rivals when it came to local sports, and no one could really avoid being Pinkie's friend. It took Twilight as a catalyst to unite us, though.

"N-now, it feels like things are going to change. It scares me. I've been a lot happier since I've made more friends, even if it's meant a lot of scary things have happened." Fluttershy shuddered. "I started to feel like things were going to be better now, that the worst times were in the past. But with everything that's, um, happened to you—"

She stretched out a hoof towards me, and I was shocked at the power of the emotion in her eyes. There was sorrow there, and more than that, a need, but her jaw was set with frustration.

"There's no sure thing anywhere. And nothing lasts forever, good or bad. And I can't _help you_ and it **hurts** AJ, I can't tell you how much." Fluttershy drew back her hoof and hugged herself, wings mantling as a fresh gust of wind rocked us both.

I raised a foreleg to her, and she came to me, stumbling once on cold-numbed hooves. We embraced, necks twining, and I spoke into the mass of her soft mane. "Y'can't fix my head or my heart like you can my scrapes and bruises, 'Shy, but you're still the Element of Kindness, and the gentlest pony, the gentlest friend I have. I know that if I reach the end of my rope, you'd be there to hold me, no questions asked, as long as I needed you to."

"As long as I remembered to put Angel outside first, of course," she whispered back, and we shared a sniffly little giggle. "I'm so sorry Applejack. You're the one with all these problems, and I'm crying on **you**."

"Not like we choose our moments of weakness, Fluttershy. We just gotta hope they don't coincide all that often, huh? Let's call it a night if ya don't mind though. It's a mite chilly out."

Fluttershy squeaked. "Right! So sorry, um, see you soon AJ!" She extended a wing, brushing it along my side, before jumping up into the air and slowly flapping her way home.

I stomped the snow hard a few times to get my blood pumping, then cantered back towards the farm, the winter wind at my tail.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Brass pushed again on the matter of the cart.

"For real, Applejack! Make the ponies come to ya."

"Ah'll give it some thought, Brass. We'd need some time to set that up though, and t'day Ah need to get out to market and—"

Mac cleared his throat, pushing his breakfast plate aside to physically interrupt the flow of conversation with a foreleg. "Mind if we swap t'day, actually, AJ? Ah'm a mite sore, and a day with just the cart'd be as good as a rest."

I winced, and nodded. "Of course, Mac."

Brass blinked, and twisted in his seat to face the big red stallion. "Hey Mac!"

Tacks giggled for some reason, but Brass ignored her and continued. "Would ya mind if I tagged along with ya to town? If I help ya out sellin' apples, maybe ya can introduce me to this 'Rarity' Pinkie mentioned last night."

Tacks turned to me. "D'you think I could help ya out today Applejack? Do this on a semi-reggalar basis 'til Brass and I get work an' our own pad?"

I rubbed my chin, mulling it over. We'd be losing some bits on food, but labor in return for room and board wasn't a bad deal. "Well, that's a generous offer Tacks, and Ah think we can try that out. D'you know much about critters? Or carpentry?"

I spent the rest of breakfast grilling Tacks on her repertoire of useful skills, and by the time the four of us left the house I had a plan of action in mind for the day. I led Tacks to a storage shed, and pointed out some sacks.

"Get yerself beneath a couple of those, and we'll go feed the animals. Then it's off into the orchard for pruning."

I loaded my own feed sacks up, then watched Tacks try to imitate the leisurely kicks I'd used to land the heavy bags atop myself. She managed to kick them across the floor of the shed instead.

"Here," I said, crossing to the bags and giving them a light buck, sending them in an arc onto her back. She winced and splayed her legs beneath the weight, but I was confident she could take it. She was another earth pony after all!

We made it to the animal pens without a problem, and while I began emptying the feed sacks into various troughs, Tacks bent my ear.

"So, I'm kinda getting the impression things ain't the best around here, are they?"

I cocked a brow, flinging an empty sack up onto my back with my teeth. "What gives you that impression?"

Tacks nodded at the barn. "Well, I could blow a bunch of hot air your way and act like some smaht detective, or I could just admit we saw the for-sale sign stored in the bahn, last night. When we asked Mac about it, he clammed up good, so it's not old hat that don't mean nothin' no more."

I finished dumping a second sack, grain hissing into the metal trough, and sighed, the two sounds blending. "No, you're right. The farm is in real trouble. Ah'm not a good businessmare, and we may end up having to sell Sweet Apple Acres in the near future."

Tacks spilled her own sacks onto the frozen earth. "What's yer biggest problem?" She planted a hoof on one sack to brace it before trying to tear it open with her teeth.

"Rising overhead, low profits. Aging equipment and structures." I explained about our two most profitable products and the problems that came with relying on them.

Tacks listened while she did her share of the feeding, then tossed her empty sacks across her own back. "Well, I can think of one thing that'd help. A new market for that zappity-apple stuff. I've never heard of it, so it must be rare, and if it's rare, then rich ponies will want it."

She nudged me and grinned. "Y'know what else 'rare' gets you? 'Expensive.' They'll pay through the nose to get it." Tacks tapped the side of her head with one hoof. "Where're all the richest ponies?"

"Canterlot. I dunno, Tacks. I've tried goin' up there and sellin' before, and no one would even look at me, much less buy somethin' from me."

"Dat's because of yer image, AJ. Yer just a bumpkin to them, and nothin' a bumpkin sells could possibly be worth much. How d'you package this jam a'yours?"

"In glass jars."

Tacks waited, and I could see her stumble mentally. "...That's it? Y'don't label it or nuffin'? No wax seal? No little hankie with apples printed on it wrapped around the lid, even?"

"Uh, no? That'd just drive up overhead, and it wouldn't make ponies here any more likely to buy it. They already know it's good." I frowned. "But the Canterlot ponies have no idea what it even is. And they're used to everything bein' all fancy-like."

"Not just fancy, but small. You could sell 'em smallah portions of the stuff for five, ten times the price if it looks good to 'em, and they'll scramble ovah each other to pay it!" Tacks pretended to be a crazed shopper grabbing at jars, whipping her head around, eyes narrowed and teeth bared.

I started to grin, but faltered. "Well, we already pledge quite a bit of our jam to Filthy Rich, who runs a chain of stores."

"Does he got any presence in Canterlot?"

"Uh, not that Ah know of—"

"Then there's no problem!"

"No, there is, because we'd want at least part of his usual share for this, uh, project. He won't be happy we're breakin' our usual agreement." I winced. Making the richest pony in Ponyville unhappy wouldn't have any pleasant consequences, I could be sure of that.

"Isn't it all in how ya present it? Say, 'Filthy, if I don't change the terms of our deal, Sweet Apple Acres goes under and you can kiss your jam goodbye.'"

We dumped our empty sacks in a barrel by the fence, and I led us back to the shed to fetch some tools. Tacks was making a surprising amount of sense.

While we made a beeline for the orchard I knew Mac had been working in, Tacks pressed me again. "What's another big problem you run into every year?"

I had to think about it, and finally grimaced. "The farm is, though it stings mah pride to say it, too big for just Mac and me to work, and we still need to expand it to increase profits. Apple Bloom is years away from bein' able to buck trees, still."

"Okay, so, labah. Ya need willin' hooves and ya need 'em fer free, or as good as." Tacks pondered that while I stepped her through the basics of pruning back the trees. It was far easier to do this work when the trees had lost all their leaves.

"Ah dunno. Where do ya get a bunch of free laborers ya really only just have to feed and maybe house, and not hafta worry about 'em robbin' ya? Aside from—"

We locked eyes. "Family."

"Ya got a big one, Applejack?"

"Boy howdy, do we! They live all over, though. But there's sure to be a cousin or nephew or somepony whose parents want 'em out of the house for a spell, and how's this for a change of scenery?" I gestured to the orchard, my brain starting to spin up, spitting out names. I'd need to write some letters when I got back to the house.

Tacks and I bounced more ideas off one another as the morning unfurled, and we worked our way through the orchard. By the time we stopped for lunch, I was...not excited quite, I'd been slapped down too many times lately for that, but cautiously optimistic. Back inside the farmhouse I scribbled down the things we'd discussed, before Pinkie arrived with our lunches.

"I dropped Mac's off with him at the cart. He looked pretty happy for a stallion knee-deep in snow!" Pinkie giggled, unwrapping the parcels she'd placed on the dining room table.

"With how hard Mac's been workin' lately, even if it was up to his belly it would be a vacation just standin' there and selling." I offered Pinkie an apple, then turned back to my cooking, rustling up a little something to fill in for Tacks' presence.

"You seem a little perkier today, AJ. I don't suppooooose you'd let me...?" Pinkie made some convoluted gestures for half a minute. I recognized only one of them, _maybe_ , as being her firing her party cannon.

"Y'want to throw a party in honor of me cheerin' up some? Nah, let's not start pattin' ourselves on the back quite yet."  
Pinkie's face fell, her ears wilting atop her head.

I tried to inject some optimism into my tone. "Tacks had some great ideas—"

"We both did. We were brainstorming out in the orchard while we worked. Applejack's a smart cookie when she isn't mopin' around." Tacks saluted me with half a daisy sandwich.

Pinkie's disappointment vanished, but it wasn't the instant, manic transition I was used to seeing from her. "Less mope and more hope is what I've been hoping to see!" Pinkie squealed, bouncing around the dining room. "When do we get to start helping with these new ideas?"

"Uh, well, not all of it can be done right away. Ah might actually have to take out a loan to tide us over until we can get a zap apple harvest in. I didn't want to go into debt, but with the promise of serious profits this time around and bein' able to keep the farm? I'd say it's a risk worth takin'." I tapped a hoof against my chin. "Gonna have to get with Rarity again, and design some packaging for the jam. She would know what those Canterlot ponies would want, if anypony here in town would."

"What about Twilight, though? She lived in Canterlot most of her life!"

I smirked, and shook my head. "Ah'm bettin' nine out the ten shops she visited were bookstores, in her time there. Plus her, uh, fashion sense is a little wantin' and that's comin' from _me_ mind you."

Pinkie wrapped me up in a squeeze. "Well, as soon as there _is_ something we can help you with, let us all know. And look, you made a new friend along the way!" She crossed the room at the speed of pink to nose Tacks' cheek. "You two have fun, and I'll see you later!"

The pink blur vanished, the door slammed, and Tacks let out a sigh. "She's exhaustin'. What're her real pahties like?"

"Oh, there's dancing, games, punch, music, alligators..." I waved a hoof. "The usual."

"Uh...huh. Ponyville ain't exactly the quiet lil village it looks like it oughta be, is it?"

I cleared my throat. "Ahem. Well, Ah'll put it this way. When you and your brother start making these fancy shoes for ponies? Make sure they can still flee in terror in 'em, 'cuz they tend to do a lot of that around here."

Tacks took a bite out of her sandwich and chewed awhile, seeming to think things over. I put an apple crumble in the oven to bake and joined her, scooping up a daisy sandwich for myself.

"So, what can we do in the short term to turn things around for ya?" Tacks gestured around with her sandwich-half.

"Well, maybe Brass was right and we ought to be selling out of the farm and not in the market, this time of year. We could certainly sell more pies, and they'd be fresher too."

"Good, good, that's a staht. What else? Any other big drains on the finances we can try to stoppah up?"

I thought about it, then remembered the tax, the memory bringing a wave of nausea with it. I glared at my sandwich, and took another bite anyways. I wasn't about to let my stomach rule my life.

"Oh. A new tax goes into effect next year that's really going to sock it to us."

Tacks rolled her eyes. "Royalty and its train of bureaucrats, hard at work. So what can we do about dat?"

"Well, some of the other produce vendors had mentioned holdin' a protest, but Ah never heard anythin' more about that."

"Enh, protestin' heah at the local level's not gonna getcha anywhere. Protestin' in Canterlot with fewah than a hundred ponies' gonna make ya look silly." Tacks stroked her chin.

I blinked, and considered. "Ah was gonna dismiss that out of hoof, but really, this is the slow season for us farmers. Ah mean, there's always work to do, and some like me are still sellin' stock that keeps after bein' harvested, but the tax _will_ hurt all of us who make a living off the land."

Tacks knocked her hooves together, dropping her sandwich. "I think we'd bettah pay a visit to the Ponyville post office! We'ah gonna need a lotta stamps."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Brass and Tacks stayed with us on at the farm, helping in any way they could. When Granny Smith finally came home from the hospital a week later, one of the twins stayed with her throughout the day while the rest of us worked. That was a big help, though when I slipped into Granny's room a time or two to find her giving one of them the hairy eyeball, I knew they'd spoken their mind again.

It turned out to be dead simple to find the addresses of fellow farmers. Filthy Rich sold seeds far and wide, and he was happy to share his customer list with me when I'd explained my cause. I took the opportunity to lay out the zap apple situation for him as well, and though I could tell he was disappointed to lose some stock, he could see the wisdom in helping keep Sweet Apple Acres in business.

Tacks and I dang near wore out our lips writing letters, but we mailed out over a hundred, calling for a protest at the Canterlot Drafting House where laws were written and voted upon. We set the protest for six weeks from the date most ponies would receive the letter. That put us uncomfortably close to Hearth's Warming Eve, but everyone we talked to agreed it was better to try to stop the tax before the new year.

Apple Bloom was spending more time at the farmhouse again. I noticed that the house was starting to feel like a home once more, not just an old building to eat, sleep, and sigh in.

I gave my little sis a noogie as she left for school, scampering along with the old energy I would always associate with the adorable filly.

Tacks chuckled at the sight, before taking her breakfast dishes to the sink. "She's cheered up a load since your Grams came home. Seems like y'have a bit too, but ya have a ways to go. Is it just da farm problems gettin' ya down, AJ?"

Mac had already left for the orchard, and Granny was still in bed, tending to lie in later these days. Brass must have followed Mac, because I found myself alone in the kitchen with Tacks. I looked her over while she washed up the dishes, and realized I wanted to know what she thought about my depression. At least I didn't have to worry about her holding anything back!

"Well, no, though they may have triggered the worst of it. Ah uh, have depression, Tacks." I tilted my head. "D'you know what that is?"

Tacks shrugged and nodded. "S'pretty common in da big city. Think it's got somethin' to do with ponies livin' close-ah together, maybe spendin' less time outdoahs too. One've my neighbors prolly had it. Didn't come out of her place too often. Kinda sad." She shook her head. "Pfft, listen to me goin' on about city life. What's up with ya, AJ?"

"Well, it's kind've a long story, but Ah guess Ah can go through it while we tidy up and bake." We were trying Brass' suggestion as well, and we had been seeing a trickle of ponies stop by the farmhouse, buying more than ponies tended to from the cart at market.

I told Tacks all that had happened since I really started feeling the drag of depression. I told her about hiding my feelings, my worsening stomach problems, the ocean voyage, the problems with Apple Bloom, and Granny's heart attack. I told her how the problems with the farm had stacked up throughout all of this, leaving me feeling hopeless, helpless, and sick with guilt. My stomach began to tighten as I waded through the tale yet again. Every time I told it, the weight of my misery and the harm it had caused my loved ones seemed to grow.

Tacks listened without interrupting, only shooting me a questioning look now and then when I mentioned something she wasn't familiar with. When I'd finished, she let loose a long sigh. "Well, I guess I'd feel awfully guilty too if I helped steer my business into da dirt," she said, trimming the dough off the edges of a pie pan.

I blinked at her, letting my knife rest on the cutting board after slicing through an apple. "You agree then? That it's mah fault?"

Tacks shrugged, turning to look me full in the face. "Who else are ya gonna blame? You were at the helm, right? Da others coulda helped, _maybe_ , if you'd told 'em the farm was slippin'. But ya didn't tell 'em. That brings it back around to you I'm afraid, hon."

A few weeks ago, hearing those words would have been crushing, but today they just felt liberating. Yes, I screwed up, _I_ did, but now I was fixing it.

"You've come up with some good ideas lately, with a lil help from yoahs truly," Tacks buffed a hoof on her chest, "but ya had the same brain a few months earlier. Were ya just not usin' it?"

"Ah think Ah was too busy usin' it to hide mah problems to use it for practical stuff."

"Wow Applejack. Yer kinda messed up. S'okay, I still like ya." Tacks winked, then shut the oven on a pie. "I dunno if I woulda stopped to help out two strange ponies, if I was feelin' lower than a sewer rat's doormat. You managed it though."

I shook my head. "That's different. Anypony—"

"Applejack, you saw 'anypony' pass us by or outright refuse us a buncha times within sight of your cart. We racked up more of dose elsewhere. Trust me, ya stood out."

I shook my head, but stopped protesting. I thought back to my first session with Textbook Definition. He told me that nothing that had happened leading to my sad state of affairs was my fault. He had offered me a ticket out of the guilt, but I couldn't take it, because I knew it was a lie. I grimaced. How could I accept anything else he told me after that, when he started my treatment with a colossal lie?

Maybe Twilight had read some books about this stuff. I'd ask her about it next time I saw her and see what she thought. If I was right, and Textbook wasn't a good doctor, then there wasn't any reason to keep seeing him.

"Yo, y'alright?" Tacks hoofed me the kitchen timer to make sure she'd set it right.

I tweaked it a bit and handed it back. "Yeah, just thinkin'. Can you handle sales for an hour or two, after we get a few more pies done? Ah need to run a couple errands in town."

"Hey, no problem. It'll be good practice, servin' customahs on my own. And ponies will get to know me, so when I start sellin' 'em shoes I won't be a strange-ah!" Tacks pranced in place, little puffs of flour rising from her forehooves.

"True 'nuf, sugarcube. Pass me another bucket of apples, would you?"

I left behind the warmth of the kitchen and the scent of baking apples to face the cold of the winter day. Trotting off down the path towards town, I could see the gate out of the farm was blocked by a wagon.

For a second I thought Granny was climbing out of the coach wagon, but after another glance I realized it was a more distant member of the Apple family.

“Auntie Applesauce? Well howdy! This is a surprise.” I hurried over to help her climb down, then took a bag square to the face from the harried driver (and puller) of the wagon.

I dropped the bag and rubbed my smarting muzzle, staring at the driver.

He glared back at me, and jerked his head in a stiff nod at Auntie. “She's your problem now.” With that, he shrugged back into his harness and raced away.

“Applejack, take me to your Granny Smith! The poor dear, I just knew you'd all need a hoof taking care of her.” Auntie put one wobbly leg in front of the other, and for a second, taking in her green coat, white hair, and sagging flesh, I was reminded of the zombie stories that always set Spike on edge so badly. I resolved to try to keep the two away from one another.

“Uh, sure Auntie. We'd appreciate a lil help, but we had no idea you were comin'.”

“Oh, I wasn't about to wait for a letter to go and an answer to arrive! When you're as full of years as your Granny is, you don't take chances.” She turned her head to fix me with an odd look.

Just how did she learn what had happened, and how much did she know? I certainly hadn't written the rest of the family about anything that had gone on lately.

Even at Auntie Applesauce's doddering pace we eventually reached the farmhouse, and I opened the door for her. She preceded me into the house, bawling like she was calling in the cattle.

“Granny Smith! It's Applesauce!”

I hustled inside with her bag to see Auntie already climbing the stairs, while Tacks peered out of the kitchen.

“What's—?”

“Kin come to visit, and help take care of Granny. Auntie, Granny Smith's still asleep. Would you like a hot drink? Maybe put your hooves up after your long trip?” I had to grit my teeth not to phrase things less...delicately.

“I'll just go say hello while you get my tea ready, then. Two spoonfuls of honey.” Auntie continued upstairs without missing a beat.

I stormed into the kitchen and dug through cupboards for a mug and some tea, frowning.

“Not yer favorite relative, I take it?” Tacks put a kettle on for me.

I smacked the mug down on the counter. “She didn't let us know she was comin', even! Another mouth to feed? And so inconsiderate, wakin' up Granny like that. Still,” I sighed, “at least with her here in the house it frees the rest of us to work.”

“Yeah. I guess we can put up wid the old lady for a few days.”

“A _month_?”

“Is there some problem, Applejack?” Auntie's brows rose almost to her hairline while I gaped at her.

“A-Ah don't think Granny will need you here that long, Auntie Applesauce. She's gettin' stronger every day, y'see.”

Auntie took another sip of tea, sitting primly on the edge of the couch in the family room. I stood near the door, still set on going out, while Tacks sat on the bottom step of the stairwell, glancing back and forth between us.

“Your Granny needs the best of care, _real_ compassion, and love to recover properly. She's been short on all three lately from what I've heard, and nothing I've seen today has swayed my opinion.”

I found my mouth hanging open. The only thing that could escape my lips was a shaky “W-what?”

“I heard what happened. Apple Bloom's letter to little Babs Seed has been passed around, and when your brother made some quiet inquiries about bartering and 'family prices' on certain goods, I could see what had happened.”

My heart pounded, and sweat stood out across my entire coat all at once.

Auntie Applesauce thrust her hoof at me. “You've been too busy showboating around Equestria with those friends of yours, playing hero, going to fancy parties and growing fat while the farm goes to seed! Mac can't shoulder _all_ the work himself, no matter how big he is." She let her hoof drop, hard gaze boring into mine. "You'd better buckle down missy, do some real work and get this place in shape before you give your Granny another attack and do her in!”

I knew she was wrong about me; she was practically a stranger and had no idea what our situation was, so the injustice of her words was a slap in the face. But, the darkness lurking in my head was only too happy to latch onto her accusations and feed off of them. There were just enough fragments of truth there for it to roll into its working theory of how I'd ended up lower than scum. How often had I been absent from the farm, working with the girls? How many times had I left just to attend a party, or do something frivolous, leaving Mac and Granny to handle things back home? Would Ma and Pa have left work so often? If I'd bore down harder, would the farm be in better shape?

Tacks' eyes widened, and she jabbed a hoof at Auntie. “Hey, now lissen here. Applejack has made some mistakes, but she's workin' her tail off fixin' 'em, and yer not doin' anypony any favors comin' in here and mouthin' off like that. Where _is_ the rest of the Apple family anyhow, if they know this is all goin' on? Nopony's gonna stick their neck out to help, other than to trot on out here to bleat and lay blame?”

“Oh ho! So the freeloader wants charity to fix things? Such a surprise!”

I stood there while they traded barbs, and realized my heart hurt. Not like heartburn, though I certainly felt some of that too, but Auntie was family. She knew better than most what was going on when a farm like ours failed, and she had decided to heap all the blame for this on me. I'd been grabbing the blame all along, but when _family_ laid it on me, with bile and bitterness behind the words to match the disgust that colored my own thoughts, it ate into me like acid.

“B-both of you, stop. Ah have to go run an errand. You both have stuff to get done.” I rushed out the door and fled for town, the once-bastion of home now just another battleground.

A few minutes' trotting found me knocking on the library door again, and I felt a cold rush pour through me that had nothing to do with the weather. After a brief, faint scrabble inside, the door opened.

"Applejack! Come on in." Spike grinned, stepping aside. "You can just walk in when the open sign is up, you know. We're the town's _public_ library after all."

I walked in and noted another pony browsing the stacks, but no sign of Twilight. "Oh, yeah, that's true. Guess since Ah think of it more like Twi's home these days, seems rude to just...barge in."

Spike nodded, and hopped back up onto his stool at the circulation desk by the door. "Yeah, I get that. So what's up? Here for a book, or our favorite librarian?"

"Ah was hopin' to see Twilight, yeah." I cracked a smile. "No spirits flyin' around today, Ah take it?"

"Nah, it's actually been a little dull for a few weeks. Twilight's up in her bedroom re-shelving some of her personal books. Go on up."

"Thankee kindly, Spike."

"Stay for lunch if you want! We're having oat cakes marsala!" he called up the stair to me, and I turned long enough to nod.

A knock on Twilight's door yielded some familiar results. After a brief scuffle, the door opened, and Twilight welcomed me inside.

"Applejack! Welcome. Come on in, I'm just tidying up a bit."

I sank into an armchair and watched Twilight carefully re-shelve thirty volumes or so, all suspended in her telekinetic grasp, their order shuffling a few times before sliding home into the gaps in the bookcases. When she finished, Twi took a chair beside mine, and leaned over its arm to peer at me.

"What's up? You will notice I am here, all ears, definitely aware you're here and in need of some advice." Twilight blushed, gaze falling from mine, ears wilting a bit.

"Yeah Twi, Ah can see that, and Ah'm grateful." I reached over to rest a hoof on hers for a moment. "So, you know Ah've been seein' this Doctor Textbook Definition at the hospital for counselin'?"

Twilight nodded. "I admit I didn't know much about psychology beyond what I learned in school, but when all this—" she waved a hoof around vaguely, ears splayed, "—began I started reading some relevant books. I've been curious what his approach has been, but of course that's between you and him. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that."

When Twilight admitted she didn't 'know much' about a subject, what she probably meant was she couldn't lecture more than a couple of hours on the subject. "Well, Ah think he may—" be the lousiest psychologist in four counties? "—be the wrong psychologist for me."

"Really? What makes you say that?"

"Well, he lied to me. He tried to get me to lie to mahself, instead of facing reality and learnin' to cope with it. Is that...one of those strategies you were wonderin' about? 'Cuz Ah have to say Ah don't care for it."

Twilight frowned, first in thought, then in annoyance. "No. No, not that I know of. And if it was the first step in some sort of reverse psychology plan, he should have resolved it by now. You've been in treatment for weeks. Is that the only thing you've noticed?"

"Well, no. He gives me instructions, but Ah..." I blushed and tipped my hat down over my eyes. "Ah don't always pay the best attention. Not only in his sessions. Ah just seem short on the stuff lately. He hasn't noticed because he never follows up on those instructions, whatever they were."

The corners of Twilight's mouth sank further down. "Anything else?"

"He ends sessions early half the time. Ah don't mind since Ah don't think we're gettin' anything done, but Ah don't think that's somethin' a proper doctor should do. Ah don't think he pays very close attention to me either, and doesn't take good notes, if he takes any." I rolled my eyes. "He kept gettin' Mac and Apple Bloom's names mixed up, and their roles in the family mixed up too. Got to the point Ah didn't want to talk about them, because it'd mean reeducating him again about mah situation in some ways."

Twilight's wings snapped out, and she called a piece of parchment and a quill to her with her magic.

"I'm writing princess Celestia right now and having that, that **quack** removed!"

For three very satisfying seconds, I let the alicorn scrawI, but I couldn't let that happen. "Twilight, no! Y'can't abuse your position like that. If anyone should lodge a complaint it oughta be me, and with the hospital, not a princess." I rubbed the back of my head. "Ah wasn't even sure Ah was bein' mistreated. Ah dunno what's run of the mill for head shrinkers."

"Not that, that's for sure," Twilight practically spit, leaving her chair to pace. "No one who'd even half-listened to your story would have lied to you or tried to get _you_ to lie. Even if they didn't pick up on the fact that honesty is core to your being, there's the nakedly obvious token of your Element and the fact of its failure was your psyche screaming for help in a real, physical, observable way any decent Doctor would give his best golf club for!"

Twilight's mane pulsed with growing light, and her coat began to glow from within. I slid from my seat and stopped her mid-pace. "Twi, calm down. You answered mah question. Ah need a new doctor."

She snorted. "That's for sure. Ugh." She reached out and took me around the neck in a hug, surprising me into taking a couple of steps back, but she just walked with me until I settled into it.

"I'm sorry Applejack. You've really blundered into a thundercloud of bad luck lately, haven't you?"

"Weather metaphors? You've been hangin' out too much with Rainbow Dash." I gently tugged free of the hug and gave her a little hoof to the shoulder.

Twi shrugged, giggling. "Well, she has been giving me flying lessons. I guess it was inevitable. If I start saying 'awesome' every other word, promise me you'll get me to a scientific lecture as soon as you can for reeducation."

"Will do, sugarcube." I gave her a once-over, studying her eyes and the state of her mane. "Have you been...sleepin' any better, Twi?"

"Huh? Oh, that. Yes. The dreams aren't coming as often anymore." She waved a hoof in the vague direction of her bed. "And Celestia still hasn't come down upon me like a hammer of princess-ly judgment, so..." A tiny quaver bridged two of her words.

It was my turn to fold her in a hug, and I gave her the best squeeze I had in me to push home the sentiment behind it. "Ah just bent your ear, and Ah'm more'n happy to have you bend mine right back, Twilight."

After a sniffle and a brush of her cheek along mine, she pulled away. "No, there's nothing new to say, really. When there is, you'll be the first to know."

I accepted Spike's invitation to stay for lunch, certainly in no rush to return home and face Auntie again. Leaving the library afterwards with some oatcakes in my belly, I realized for once I was still a bit peckish. Sugarcube Corner was on my way back to the farm, and it struck me that Pinkie could use a word of thanks for all the feeds she'd been providing for the Apples lately. I slipped inside the shop and was wrapped in warm, treat-sweetened air. I gained calories just from breathing, stepping forward towards the counter.

"Applejack! It's been too long. Here, on the house." Mrs. Cake retrieved a cupcake from beneath the counter, frosted to look like a shiny green apple.

"Oh, uh, thankee Mrs. Cake. Ah stopped in to thank you and Pinkie for all the great food that's been coming our way since we, uh, y'know." I waved a hoof, unconsciously mirroring Twilight's earlier wobble of vagueness. I took the cupcake and sank my teeth into it, finding soft pieces of baked apple within the fluffy cake.

"Oh, we're all glad to help. It was a good idea Pinkie came up with to help pay for the food too!"

I blinked, licking frosting off my lips. "How's that now?"

Mrs. Cake nodded down at the display case and reached inside to gesture at a half-dozen cupcakes like the one I'd just bitten into. "We make one batch of these each day, and the proceeds for their sales go into a 'save Sweet Apple Acres' fund." She bustled out from behind the counter, and slid a foreleg around my shoulders. "The ponies of Ponyville value your farm AJ, just as we value you. Your family's a fixture here! Your apples are one of the reasons some of our treats here at the Corner are so delicious."

She gave me a good squeeze, and I had to stop my mouth from watering; she smelled twice as good as the shop itself did. I popped the rest of the cupcake into my mouth so I could return the hug, chewing and swallowing fast.

"T-thank you, Mrs. Cake. Ah didn't know all that was goin' on."

"Pinkie probably didn't tell you about the little bag then, mm?" She released me to circle back around the counter, and dragged a small sack from a cupboard near the floor. She set it on the counter, and from the way it jingled, it was obviously full of bits. "This is the fund at the moment. Why don't you take it today, and as more comes in we'll send along some more food."

I was speechless, staring at the sack of bits. "A-Ah don't know, Cup."

"Take it Applejack!"

"Take it, and make sure we get some cider next year."

I turned to see the two ponies nearest the counter, sharing a table and a couple of the apple cupcakes, grinning at me.

"Hon, you aren't duping anyone by taking this money. They gave it knowing exactly what they were doing and who it's going to." She pushed the sack closer with a hoof.

I finally took the bits, and stowed them in my saddlebags. "T-thank you. Thank you," I turned to tell the customers as well, sweeping my hat from my head. "Ah...Ah really can't tell you how important it is, how good it feels, to know ponies feel this way about our farm."

I realized a part of me had resented the town ever since Rarity had gone on and on that day on the walk to town hall about her business being such an asset to Ponyville. It's true the Carousel Boutique had brought bits and publicity to town, but far fewer good memories had been made there than at our farm, with the Sisterhooves Social, hayrides, horseshoe-throwing contests, and more.

The earlier business with the cider reservations and learning Sugarcube Corner was, well, in our corner too? Knowing the townsfolk were behind me, not a mass of faceless ponies who didn't care where their apples came from as long as there were some for sale, I felt buoyed.

"So, is Pinkie out at the moment, Cup?"

"Oh, no, she's upstairs. I'm not sure what she's been up to. She's been spending more time locked in up there lately."

"Huh. Well, Ah'll go on up and see if she can talk a minute. Thank you again!" I waved to her and the customers before starting up the stairs to the residential portion of the shop.

Pinkie's bedroom door was shut, so I tapped on it with one hoof. "Pinkie? Ya in there?"

"Umm, yeah! Hang on a second!"

Before I heard anything that sounded like a pony approaching the door though, it swung in a few inches. The door must not have been quite latched, and Gummy had pulled it open with his claws. I smiled down at the little alligator, then looked up through the cracked door to see Pinkie sitting at her desk, curling her mane in front of a mirror.

She caught my eye in the mirror and froze, before her shoulders sagged, the mare deflating in her seat. "So. Now you know."

I nudged the door open fully and slipped inside. Gummy scooted back to let me in. He looked as inscrutable as ever, but he turned to watch me, eyes tracking my every move. I'd never seen him pay so much attention to anypony or anything before. A nudge from my hindleg shut the door behind me. "Know what, Pinkie?"

She didn't look up from her lap. Her voice was soft and flat, not at all like the boisterous pink pony I knew, stirring unease in my stomach. "I should have known I couldn't keep this up until..."

The impact of what I'd seen finally hit me. Pinkie was curling her hair. If she needed to curl it herself, then it was...  
I walked up behind Pinkie, and rested my chin on her shoulder.

"How long?" I asked.

"Since you told us. Underwater." She laughed once, an abrupt burst of sound with no joy in it. "It was impossible to tell, while my mane was tentacles. When we were on the boat, we all had that salt-water mane problem, so no one noticed if it looked odd then either. Once we got back to Ponyville," she gestured to the styling accessories, "I started with this."

"But why—" The question trailed off as she turned to lock eyes with me. I knew why.

Guilt. When you're the expert at cheering ponies up, and one of your closest friends is _hospitalized_ because her case of sadness is so severe, you obviously didn't do your job. Small wonder her mane had collapsed.

"But hidin' it? That's just what Ah did! You saw that it made me sick. It made everything worse!"

Her eyes shimmered as tears pooled. "I couldn't let you know! You didn't need that! You _don't_ need this," she groaned, twisting away from me and galloping to her bed, hurling herself onto the sheets. She pounded her hooves into a pillow so hard, a few feathers puffed out of a seam.

"You were never supposed to know! You were supposed to get better, and then I could start to get better! Now you know, and my stupid selfish pity-party is going to drag you down!"

I followed Pinkie to her bed, catching one of her pillow-beating hooves and holding it. "Yer the one who first talked to me about depression. Y'know very well it's more than a pity-party." I let out a long sigh. "Can't argue with it dragging me down. Ah've managed to suck one of mah best friends down with me into misery Ah wouldn't wish on mah worst enemy." Truth be told, counting Twilight, Pinkie was the second to be caught in my despondent whirlpool.

Pinkie whimpered, burying her face in her pillow, apparently willing herself to merge with it.

"You've done everything you can to help me, in spite of your mood, Pinkie. That's..." I shook my head. "Ah have no idea how you managed that. Ah want to help you now. So do the rest of our friends. Why would we do less for you than y'all did for me?"

"Because it's so stupid, _I'm_ so stupid! I'm just sad because you're sad and what-if-everything-I'm-doing-to-help-is-just-so-I-can-be-happy-again, I'm a bad friend and—" She turned her face back into the pillow, muffling the rest, which sounded like sobs anyways.

I stroked her shaking back, waiting for enough silence to speak. "Yer not stupid, that's the depression talkin'. Pinkie, when you talk things over with me or spend hours cookin' and wade through snow to bring it to me and mah family, are you thinkin' of yerself in those moments? Or are you thinkin' of the smile yer hopin' to see on mah face?"

She lifted her tear-smeared face from the pillow, watery eyes capturing mine. "I miss your smile so much, AJ. I miss your laugh even more, that giggle with the hitch in it. It's one of my favorites." Her voice broke, and she struggled to force down her tears enough for a few more words. "Every day I can't bring them back, it—"

"Shh, sugar, y'can't take responsibility for _mah_ happiness like that. You'll burn yerself out! And yer not a bad friend neither, Ah'm just a better actor...and a bigger fool than any of you counted on."

She squeezed her eyes shut, more tears rolling down her cheeks, and scowling, shook her head once in a side to side snap. "No! I _know_ when my friends need me! I-I..."

I could feel my mood nosediving. I'd been charged, down in the shop, given hope and encouragement. Now I felt drained, using what little energy and positivity I had left to try and buoy up Pinkie. Suddenly the foot of distance between us seemed too large a gap for my comfort to cross.

I climbed up on the bed beside her, and gently rolled the surprisingly heavy mare to one side to make room for me. I held her like I'd held Apple Bloom weeks ago, cupping the curve of her back with my belly. Like Mrs. Cake, it seemed like every inch of her was saturated with the scents of good things baking.

"Shh-shh-shh. Things ain't alright for either of us, Ah know. But they will be. Ah have a feeling we won't feel magically better once our practical problems are solved, but it's like stitching the wound shut, right?" I brushed half-curled, tear-soaked strands of mane out of Pinkie's eyes. "At least then it has a shot at knittin' together."

Pinkie sniffled and draped a foreleg over her face, the other clutching at my hoof, clinging to me. "Things will get better," she agreed, her voice watery. "We have to get better." She hiccuped, then let a humorless "Hah," escape, almost as involuntary as the hiccup. "We'd better hope no one nasty decides now's a good time to start acting up, because there's no way my Element would work for me right now."

I nuzzled at her cheek. "Don't worry about that. We did okay without the Elements last time. Maybe we're getting too quick to whip 'em out lately."

Pinkie snorted, but at what I couldn't say. She went quiet, and a few seconds later I realized she was snoring softly. I understood. Sobbing was exhausting, and winter tended to sap the energy of many ponies anyways, though I had to admit Pinkie was the last mare I'd ever expected to see spent. I realized she had kept up her deception a good while in front of the entire town, not just friends, family, and customers like I had. That was wearing on the body and the spirit.

So. I'd given Twilight nightmares and maybe some kind of complex. I'd driven Pinkie back into depression because of my own, and my stubborn refusal to reach out to my friends for help. I'd been so selfish, just assuming she'd try to fix me with parties, never imagining what it would do to her to know one of her best friends chose to make herself sick rather than open up to her, the mare of merry-making?

How much had I hurt the others? How deeply had I cut my bond with Rainbow Dash, insulting her loyalty? Rejecting Fluttershy's kind heart and understanding? Never even giving Rarity the opportunity to exercise her generosity? Never mind Mac, AB and Granny.

I couldn't stay here. I didn't deserve to. The only way I could redeem myself was to make things right, and sprawling here listening to Pinkie snore, smelling the sugar, spice, and buttery baking scents in her mane wasn't part of that.

As gently as I could, I started to slide out of her bed, but she squirmed in protest, snores interrupted. I froze, and Pinkie picked up snoring where she left off after a few slow breaths. I resigned myself to leaving Tacks alone longer than I'd planned, and gave my head a toss to flip the Stetson onto a bedpost. When you get a chance for a nap, don't turn it down.

When I left the bakery at last, the sun was heading for the horizon. The weather team was pushing clouds into position for another batch of snow it looked like, so I set off for the edge of town at a fast clip. It seemed like everypony had the same idea, clearing the streets in a hurry, trotting off towards warm homes.

I let out a sigh, tension flowing out with it as I crossed the bridge out of town. Even though I wasn't trying to keep up the old mask, I still held myself differently around the townsfolk, and getting away from what felt like dozens of staring eyes was always a relief.

“Hey, Applejack! Hang on a sec.”

I slowed my trot through the farm's gates, lifting a hoof to keep my hat in place while I tipped my head skywards. “Well howdy Rainbow.” My tail and shoulders sagged. “Lemme guess. 'Nother emergency?”

The pegasus fluttered a few feet above me, letting a raspy chuckle trickle from her lips. “Not this time. I just came by to toss some horseshoes with you. It's been like, three forevers.”

“Um, sorry sugarcube. Ah'm not really in the mood just now. Like as not the crusaders left 'em out and they're buried somewhere under the snow anyhow.” I shook my head, while an ache began to grow between my ears.

“Well what about a race then? Just to the stream and back? C'mon, we'll be done in ten minutes flat!” Dash dropped to the snow, ice crunching beneath her. She stepped closer, frustration in her eyes but a wheedling note in her voice. “Please? Applejack, c'mon. We used to do stuff all the time. I know you're busy, but you can't work every waking hour!”

I set my jaw. “Ah've had a long day Dash. A lot happened, and Ah'm too tired to even tell you about it, much less run around in the snow like a filly.” I hated myself for saying that, for making play I used to love last year sound like something we were both supposed to have outgrown. If I could have stepped outside myself and punched Applejack in the face, I would have.

“Find somepony else to pit yourself against, for now. We'll...we'll race another time.” I turned back towards the house, only to find Rainbow Dash flitting over to plant herself in front of me.

“When? I want a date, and a time.” She smirked, head down, ears pricked forward, one hoof scraping through the snow.

“When Ah'm good and ready!” I snapped, before bulling right past her towards the house, forcing her to flap to keep from falling over.

“Hey! What the—AJ! Applejack! _Stop_!” Rainbow had to bellow before I finally halted.

“Sorry. Ah just can't deal with anythin' else tonight, okay? I don't wanna run, I don't wanna pitch, don't wanna rope, or spit, or jump, or anything. None of it...none of it does anything for me anymore.”

“Have you even _tried_ lately?” Rainbow stomped, more ice crackling beneath her hoof.

No, Rainbow. I haven't. Every time I even think about doing anything like that, I feel like I'm a washbasin someone's pulled the plug on. Every drop of energy just runs right out, leaving me echoing and hollow. I wish you could see that. I wish you'd keep pushing, day after day, until I _did_ try. Maybe if I started doing any of that stuff again, I'd keep doing it.

Instead of saying any of that, any of the things that would actually help Rainbow help me and avoid driving her away, I said “Goodnight, Dash.” I pulled open the door and slipped into the house.

The voice reassured me I'd done the right thing. Better to stay away from my friends and spare them the harm I seemed to spread like a disease.

* * *

After chores with Tacks the next day, and skirting Auntie as best I could, I started for town again. Yesterday's talk with Pinkie didn't exactly resolve much, and I hadn't slept more than an hour or two fretting about her. Voice be damned, I couldn't let things rest as they were.

Stepping from the chill of the winter day, a few snowflakes still falling from last night's snowstorm, into the sweet-scented heat of Sugarcube Corner was like the most delightful slap in the face possible. Mr. Cake was running the counter, and cracked a broad grin when he spotted me.

"Applejack! C'mon in from that nasty weather, and I'll fix you some cocoa."

"Oh, thanks Carrot. Ah won't fight you on that, no sirree. Is Pinkie around?" I walked up the counter, working to keep my eyes from drifting down towards the treats behind the glass.

Mr. Cake shook his head, before turning away to fix my drink. "No, she's doing a party today for a foal in town as soon as school lets out. That's not for a few hours of course, but you know how much effort she puts into her parties." We shared a chuckle as he turned about, hoofing over a mug half the size of my head.

"She did leave you a note though, oddly enough. I guess she figured you might drop by."

I was stretching out my hoof to drop bits on the counter, but Carrot caught them on the envelope he pulled from beneath the counter, and passed it all over. "On the house, AJ." He must have seen my expression harden, because he leaned over the counter, smile fading into an earnest expression. "Consider it thanks for whatever you did for Pinkie yesterday. She's been just a tiny bit off lately, but today she seemed...she felt..." He shook his head. "I can't put my hoof on it, I'm no good with words. I just think you helped. Now, if you don't mind?"

When he nodded over my shoulder I realized other customers had arrived and I'd been out-maneuvered. I stowed my bits again with a sigh, and took both cocoa and note to an empty table. Wrapping my hooves around the thick-walled mug, I blew on its contents, watching my breath send a dollop of whipped cream scudding around the surface of the rich chocolate drink. I nursed it for a minute or two, then turned my attention to Pinkie's message. Tearing open the envelope, I found a note written in red crayon on orange construction paper.

_Applejack,_

_Sorry about yesterday. We'll get through this together! But, I'd like to keep my problem between us for now. I know I can trust you. Thanks for staying with me. I really needed a hug that lasted long enough to soak in. I'll come see you soon!_

_P.S. You talk in your sleep. What are applesheep, and how do you exercise them?_

I shook my head, folded the note and tucked it into my bags. "Well, I think she'll be able to hold on then. We'll get there." For the moment I just needed to get to the bottom of an immense mug of cocoa.

I left the bakery with a wave for Carrot, a bellyful of cocoa helping soften the blow of the cold outside the cozy bakery.

"Applejaaaack!"

I slowed and twisted my head around to see Rarity emerging from her boutique. "Oh, evenin' Rares."

"Come get some lunch with me, AJ. I've been cooped up all day working, and could use some company. My treat, of course." Rarity finished arranging her scarf to her liking, and posed in her boots in a way I'd learned meant they must be new. I never would've noticed, otherwise.

"Oh, well, uh..." I did want to talk to her about the new packaging for the zap apple jam. "Sure, Rarity. Nice boots."

"Eeeee, thank you! Your friends Brass and Tacks made them for me! They're quite talented, if unfortunately forthright."

"They are that," I said, rolling my eyes.

Rarity led me down the street at a trot, heading for her favorite cafe. They had a lot of fancy food, and the portions were a little small for my tastes, but that had been before my stomach troubles. Now I figured they ought to be perfect.

We were seated almost instantly, and Rarity had was served a glass of wine before she could even open the menu. The waiter eyed me, ears pricked.

"Oh, just water for me please."

"Nonsense! Have something to warm up, Applejack. Cocoa, or mulled wine?"

Mold wine? Who would make wine out of mold? "Er, I don't think I could take any more cocoa just now. Water'd be great. So Rarity, think yer up to a little more design work for me?"

The unicorn tipped her menu down, resting it on her chin. "Mmm? What did you have in mind, dear?"

"Tacks was bendin' my ear about sellin' our zap apple jam in Canterlot, but in smaller jars, with fancy-pants labels so they'd see it as their kinda thing, y'know?"

Rarity's eyes grew bigger and bigger as I spoke, her mouth hanging open. " **You** are asking **me** to design the packaging for a line of luxury consumer goods for sale in **Canterlot**?!"

I slowly slid my hoof over to my menu, scooped it up, and unfolded it as a paltry shield against whatever was coming. "Yeeees?"

Rarity squealed, hooves squeezed together beneath her chin. I could have sworn she almost floated out of her seat. The second her squeal trailed off into delighted laughter, she swept up her wine glass. "Of course I'll do it! Oh, this will be _fun_. Do you have a retailer in mind yet?"

I shook my head. "No, Ah don't have any connections there. Maybe Twilight knows someone?"

Rarity nodded a half-dozen times. "It's possible, very possible, but I could certainly put a word in with Fancy Pants, send him a sample. It's all about the right word in the right ear, or in this case, the right jam in the right mouth I suppose." She giggled, leaning back in her chair. "Oh, I'm absolutely giddy. I want to get to work on this right away! This could open up a new avenue of work for me if it goes well."

I sighed, and nodded a thank you to the waiter when he dropped off my water. I tipped the glass towards me a fraction, then rocked it the other way, toying with it.

"Applejack, is something the matter?"

I glanced up to find Rarity frowning at me, hooves folded on the table.

"It's...nothin'."

"Don't try that with me, miss strong and silent. Remember what trouble lying's gotten you into lately."

More resentment bubbled up inside me. If she wanted it, she could have it. "Rarity, Ah'm jealous of you. You run a very successful business, and all by yerself, even. You've gotten fame, you've _gotta_ be half-way to fortune by now, and from where Ah sit it just seems like the sun's always shinin' on yer side of town."

Rarity blinked at me, long lashes fluttering. "Oh, no, I've had plenty of setbacks and—"

"But you turned them all into gains, in the end! What didn't kill you made you stronger. What didn't kill me...crippled me." I pointed outside, towards the town square. "That cart you redecorated for us? Ponies have asked who did the work, and then go to see you when I tell 'em." I shook my head. "Ah'm sorry. Ah don't want to sound ungrateful, Ah'm just so buckin' frustrated and tired." I looked up again, jaw set. "Ah was... Ah was mighty resentful when you were at town hall, gettin' that grant."

She frowned a bit, then winced like I'd rapped her a good one on the horn. "Oh Celestia, I-I just realized the timing of that. I really should be more discreet." She flicked an ear. "A-Applejack, did you ever try applying for one of those grants? They're for the 'restoration and beautification' of Ponyville, paid for by the Crowns, but that definition must be a bit loose for them to have even considered the addition to my boutique."

"Y'mean you didn't get it?" My tone fell with each word, along with my ears.

"No, in the end they rejected my application, but encouraged me to apply again this coming year. Your farm is even more familiar and beloved than my little shop though, Applejack! I think your chances are good."

"But what improvement would the money pay for? We kinda just need the money." I thought of the structures on the property, and couldn't think of anything that would save the farm by being improved.

"What about something new that would help with cider season? A machine like those awful Flim Flam brothers possessed?" She wrinkled her nose. "I believe they misused it, but it performed very well until then."

I snorted and shook my head, but thinking of machinery did suggest something. "If we dammed up the creek a bit, we could probably install a small water wheel, and we could use that to drive an apple press. It would look pretty as can be. Very, uh,"

"Picturesque?" Rarity suggested.

"Mmmmhm. That's a massive undertakin' though. Earthworks, construction, machinery, it'd take—"

"Government funds," Rarity smiled around the rim of her glass, before taking another sip of wine.

With the stream doing the work Mac usually does, we could easily increase our cider throughput. That would become much more vital in years to come, when the new trees we'd be planting in the spring would start to bear fruit.

"Ah'm sorry Rarity. Jealousy is ugly. Ah should've just come to you and asked for advice." I rubbed the bridge of my muzzle. "Pride gettin' in mah way again."

"I'm sure I didn't help things. I know I can be a little, how to put it..."

"Insufferable?"

Rarity glared at me. "Why thank you, 'Brass.' I was _going_ to say 'trying.'"

I ducked my head, smiling a little.

Rarity raised her glass, and I lifted mine. "To Celestia's deep purse!"

"To businessmares stickin' together."

"Ooh, even better."

Back at the farm I stopped in at the barn to put a few tools away and feed my dog. “Winona? Here girl. Winona!” I gave her food bag a shake or two, but though I strained my ears, I couldn't hear the telltale jingling of her collar. I trotted out of the barn and into the orchard, heading for her favorite clearing.

I found tracks in the snow, but they were hours old. The chill out there started to affect more than my skin. Breaking into a gallop, I made for Carrot Top's property, jumping the token fence that marked the border between our farms. Carrot was nowhere in sight, and I had to cross an entire field to reach her house. I rapped on the door, and hoped she wasn't in town.

The door swung open and Carrot Top stepped outside, an apron tied around herself. “Hey Freckles, what's up?”

“Carrot, have you seen Winona? Ah'm gettin' a bit worried. She never misses dinner, and she ain't in any of her usual play spots either.”

Carrot Top frowned. “I heard barking about an hour ago, but I wasn't paying much attention. Now that I think about it though, it did sound closer than usual.” She pointed towards the rear of her property. “Off there, maybe? Let's go look. My stew can stew by itself for a bit.”

We cantered across the fields, frozen earth unyielding beneath a thin blanket of snow. I swung my head back and forth, eyes sharp for a familiar splash of brown and white. I wasn't prepared for the red I spotted instead.

Carrot Top gasped at the crimson staining the snow, skidding with me to a stop beside a ditch. Winona lay there, shivering, her leg broken so badly my stomach threatened to empty itself at the sight.

“Carrot, fuh, fetch Fluttershy for me?” I hunkered down right in the snow beside my pet, pressing my side against her back, sharing heat with her while trying not to move her.

Carrot Top galloped off with a spray of snow, tail pumping, and I thanked Celestia 'Shy's cottage wasn't far off. “Hang on girl. You're gonna be fine.” I glanced around, trying to figure out what exactly had happened, but only found one clue. There were some rabbit tracks in the snow, almost obliterated by Carrot's departure.

“You were that hungry, you chased a rabbit all the way out here? Don't we feed you eno—” My voice died, throat closing up to choke off the words. _Had_ I been feeding her regularly? I couldn't remember. How many times had I forgotten? I stared down at my dog. Did she look thinner?

“Oh sisters, no. No.” I could protest all I liked, but nothing could stop the tears from boiling up out of me, or the tide of revulsion and self-hatred that rose up inside. Winona whined, and the tortured keen of it tore into me.

“M'so sorry girl, so sorry. You deserve so much better'n me,” I whispered, brushing my hoof along her cheek. She stopped whining, but I didn't know whether to take that as a good sign or a bad one.

A few minutes later Fluttershy fell to earth like a feathered meteor, sliding eight yards through the snow before she bled off her speed. Dashing over, she slung her saddlebags off onto the ground. “I'm here! I'm here. Poor Winona! AJ, could you please move for a little while? You did just the right thing keeping her warm, though.” Fluttershy barely glanced at me as she examined Winona, studying the break, how she was holding her leg, even studying the blood that had spilled.

I gingerly scooted back from my pet and levered myself up, sniffing, dashing water from my eyes with a foreleg. “Will s-she be okay, 'Shy?”

“If I have anything to say about it.” She stepped in, pinched a portion of Winona's back coat and skin in her teeth, and injected her with a dose of what I guessed must be painkillers. She stroked Winona's head, gazing into her eyes, murmuring a constant stream of comforting words while the drugs kicked in. I watched my pet's eyelids grow heavy.

“Okay. Applejack, please hold her leg steady while I wrap it.”

I dreaded even touching her, terrified of causing her further pain, but I gritted my teeth and elevated the blood-smeared hindleg for Fluttershy. She wound it loosely with a roll of satiny material, then pulled a golden thread from the end of it. A faint shimmer engulfed the limb, and 'Shy nodded, letting me release Winona.

“That will keep it immobilized until we can get to the vet. This is far too ugly a break to set myself. I'll get her there though! Just put her on my back and strap her on, okay?” Fluttershy pointed out her saddlebags, then finally saw the mess of my face with half-frozen tears on my cheeks. “Oh, AJ, I promise she'll be okay! I'll be ever-so careful flying, and Creature Comforts is a wonderful veterinarian. I'll host Winona for the aftercare so she'll have everything she needs.”

I just nodded, and saw to getting Winona safely settled atop Fluttershy. Her little body was so limp, and felt so much lighter than the last time I'd held her. As soon as the straps I'd pulled from 'Shy's bags were secured, the pegasus took wing, flapping for elevation and heading for town.

Carrot Top returned to find me with my nose buried in bloody snow, slamming my hoof into the frozen ground again, and again, and again.

Supper was eaten and cleared by the time I returned home from the vet. Winona was resting, sedated, her bones back beneath the fur and skin where they belonged. Fluttershy had given me every assurance in the world she would recover, but I couldn't talk around the lump in my throat to tell her the worst of it. I couldn't tell her it was my fault.

Inside the house, Apple Bloom was deep in her homework at the kitchen table. From the tool belt missing from the hall-closet, I could tell Mac was probably in the barn putting in an hour on a wood-working project, and Brass and Tacks were making plans in uncharacteristically low tones in the kitchen. It was plain to see why they weren't more comfortably settled in the family room; Auntie Applesauce was there, sitting in Granny's rocker, reading a newspaper.

She folded it and set it aside a moment after I'd finished pulling off my boots, hat and scarf. “Your Granny asked after you today. Yesterday too! I was forced to tell her you were off running around town instead of doing your duty here on the farm.”

My teeth ground together. I wondered if she could hear it. This was the last thing I needed tonight. I considered just ignoring the nag and heading upstairs, but I felt like I would just be confirming her image of me. “Ah needed to talk to my friend Twilight about mah doctor, thank my friend Pinkie for bein' so kind to help feed us these past few weeks, yesterday. T'day Ah talked business with mah friend Rarity who's gonna help us turn more profit on our zap apple jam, Auntie.”

“Like I said, running around town, wasting time with your friends. Talking isn't doing, Applejack! You can make all the plans your lazy little heart desires, but what will earn you bits now? Today? This week? That's what you should be thinking about!” She waved a foreleg at me, a 'wing' of flabby flesh wobbling back and forth near the foreshoulder. “And what's this about a doctor? There's nothing wrong with you.”

“Ah'm depressed,” I said, tone flatter than the dough we rolled out for pie crusts, “and the treatment Ah've been gettin' hasn't helped.”

“Ponyfeathers, 'depressed!' You just need more fresh air and exercise. Get back to proper work and your moping will clear up straight away.” Auntie fixed me with a stern stare. “You may've been able to pull the wool over your family's eyes with some foofaraw about this 'depression' but I know you just want to lie about and let them do all the work.”

I guessed I should count myself lucky that the vileness of her words wasn't matched by her volume; our conversation was fairly quiet, and Apple Bloom carried on with her homework undisturbed.

I was having trouble hearing Auntie over the volume of rage building up in my head. I felt like immense pressure was filling my sinuses, my ears, pounding through the veins in my neck and slowly trickling into the spaces behind my eyes. Two words managed to cut through the roar of blood in my ears.

“Your parents—“

“What _about_ mah parents?”

Her ears flattened. “Watch your tone, missy! Your parents would never have let this farm sink so low. Your Granny would've had better care! Your little sister in there would have a tutor so she wouldn't be lagging so far behind her classmates!”

“Apple Bloom does just fine in school!”

“Marks aren't the only thing that matters,” she sniffed, “not the numbered sort at any rate.”

The sound that left my lips wasn't voluntary. It was torn from me. Half gasp, half strangled-scream, the ugly knot of noise finally drew some attention to our conversation. I heard Apple Bloom's chair scrape across the floor, and the kitchen conversation ceased.

I turned for the stairs, stiff and jerky as a marionette. “Good night Auntie Applesauce.”

“You better think on what I've said! I've seen it all before, all the tricks you goldbrickers and shirkers play, and—“

My bedroom door cut off the last of her words. Trembling with rage, I moved carefully to the center of my room and rode out the seemingly endless waves of anger that poured through me. It shocked me how limitless they seemed. I knew I could have a short temper, but I'd always been able to rein it in and re-channel my energy before with enough effort.

I had to start moving, pacing, and her words came back to me. Throwing my parents in my face, and then Granny's health and Apple Bloom's...! Every recollection of the short exchange reignited my fury, and every time I set a hoof down, I wished it was destroying something to help vent the awful heat and pressure inside me.

It took all I had to just ground out the red-hot anger, exhaustion pouring in as the rage trickled out. When I collapsed into bed at last, the distant light of hope I'd been struggling towards seemed further away than ever. The voice in my head threw Auntie's poisonous words back at me over and over until sleep finally came.

* * *

Town hall wasn't the last place I wanted to see again, but it was near the bottom of the list. I blew out a long breath before entering, wondering who I'd even talk to about the grant. After a moment I realized there was again only one functionary free, and I had a feeling ponies would simply wait in line for other clerks to become available before trying their luck with Red Tape.

I stood there in the lobby, torn between my dread of the clerk and my need to get back to the farm.

"Why hello Applejack! Always good to see you."

I pivoted towards the voice, but its source had already passed behind me on its way out the door.

"Mayor! Could Ah trouble you for a second?"

The blur of gray mane and tan fur didn't pause for a second. "Sorry, I'm just on my way out to grab a bite to eat. Might be the only meal I get today, things are so busy! Red Tape can help you, I see he's free. Stop by any time!"

I dropped the hoof I'd held outstretched towards her, and trudged over to the one open desk. I didn't wait for him to stop his stapling and deign to notice me this time.

"Red Tape, Ah would like to apply for a grant under the restoration and beautification of Ponyville program."

"What has been damaged?"

I shuffled in place. "Nothin' lately."

"What do you propose that will beautify Ponyville, then?"

"A waterwheel."

Red Tape finally stopped stapling, and bothered to look up at me. "A waterwheel. A wooden contraption stuck in a muddy stream. Would it even be visible from the road?"

"No, but everypony's welcome on our farm, that's always—"

"Miss, I will not have you trying to exploit the Crowns' generosity in this manner. Please don't embarrass yourself further." Red Tape pitched and modulated his voice to achieve a subtle stage-whisper, appearing to attempt to preserve my dignity while allowing his words to reach the next desk, drawing the attention of clerk and client there.

"Red Tape, give me the application! There's no chance yer the one who makes the final decision when it comes to matters like this."

"You're right. I am a gate keeper." He drew himself up in his seat, and I have no idea how, given that his posture was always ramrod-straight to begin with. "Part of my job is to prevent time-wasters like you from reaching the upper echelons, where ponies with authority cannot afford to spare a minute on ill-conceived and underhooved plots like this." He sniffed. "That you even had the gall to accost the poor mayor on her way out to lunch..."

The pressure I'd felt last night under the lashing tongue of Auntie Applesauce began to accumulate again. "Now listen here, buster! The mayor is a friend of mine, and if Ah'd gotten to talk to her direct instead of you, Ah'd already be back at work and we'd all be a sight happier!" This time the pressure felt like an ugly thunderhead building behind my eyes.

"Now you accuse the mayor of playing favorites? Croneyism? I'm afraid I have to take these matters seriously. I'll have to initiate an investigation." The clerk tugged open a drawer in his desk and pulled out a form by feel alone, eyes never leaving mine. He laid the thick packet down on the desk. It was crimson red.

If looks could kill, Red Tape would've been a pile of ash on his seat. "The mayor is just, fair, and hard-workin'. You start any investigation, and you'll be the one wastin' time and bits!" I found myself widening my stance, head lowered, my breath blowing out my nose in gusting snorts. Black and red ribbons seemed to dance around the edges of my vision.

Red Tape paused in filling out the form and peered up at me. "It _is_ a lot of paperwork. I propose a deal. Withdraw your ridiculous application, and I will not pursue the investigation. I don't want to see you set hoof in here again until tax-time."

My jaw fell open. Could he possibly have the gall to...? He did, sitting there, staring at me with insectile patience and apparent apathy.

"Really, do make up your mind miss, and stop blowing like an ox. Do you really think a sorry bit-beggar like you can intimidate a court official?"

All thoughts of the mayor's reputation, my own reputation, any consequences at all outside the next few seconds simply fled my mind. The towering thunderhead in my skull lit, and lightning flew. I found myself pivoting, moving into a position almost as natural to me as walking. I drew back my hindlegs, muscles coiled like massive springs, and bucked with every ounce of strength I had.

I heard and felt my hooves connect with his desk, striking with thrice the force I use to buck apples. I heard a second impact accompanied with a sound like wet wood cracking, then a third. My heart was beating triple-time as I turned my head to peer back over my shoulder.

Red Tape and his desk had flown into the wall three feet back, and four feet off the floor, before both had come crashing down. The desk lay in two large chunks mainly; a rainbow of forms spilled across the floor from its shattered guts and splintered drawers. Finally, finally the stallion wore an expression other than bland condescension. He wore no expression at all in fact, knocked unconscious. A dark, swelling knot formed on the side of his head.

The sight quelled the foundry of hate and rage inside me, cooling it to freezing, my organs turning to lumps of chilled lead inside me. I remembered the wooden cracking sound, my eyes flicking from Red Tape's skull to the sturdy wall behind him.

"You...killed him. He went head-first into that wall," the neighboring clerk babbled, jabbing his hoof in my direction again and again.

I had to get a doctor. I had to get help. I had to do _something_ but I could only stare at the unmoving stallion while the clerk babbled on, his voice growing more shrill by the second. Chills swept over my body in a wave, leaving sweat and gooseflesh behind. The whole tableau was so surreal. I must have stumbled into a nightmare, somehow. Would Luna appear and tell me to wake up?

The clerk finally grew decisive. “P-police!”

That was the cue for everypony else to panic and run for the exits. I'd seen this sort of blind rush before, as brainless and dangerous as a stampede, but I'd never been the cause of one until now.

I stumbled towards Red Tape, eyes wide. Was he still breathing? Why hadn't anyone else even tried to check on him? As I approached the ruined desk I found three clerks descending on me, bulling me back.

“Ah know some first-aid, Ah'm trying to help! Let me _go_!”

“Right, like you'd want to help the pony you just bucked into a wall!” A wiry young stallion with sparse muttonchops tried to shove me back. “You're trying to finish him off!”

“A-Ah didn't mean to hurt him like that! It... Let me through! He ain't dyin' while Ah'm standin'!” I wheeled again and twitched a hindleg, sending the clerks scattering. I hurried to Red Tape and felt for a pulse. It was there, though it felt faint to me. His breathing seemed shallow.

I was looking around for something to put under his head when I felt a shadow fall across me, and figured the clerks had regrouped. “Get a doctor! Fast! Somepony else fetch some ice! Ah have to keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't fade any further.”

“We can take over from here.”

I craned my neck, and almost swallowed my tongue. Two ponies wearing police helmets stood over the injured stallion and me.

“Applejack Apple, you're under arrest.”

One police-pony stayed behind with Red Tape while the other hobbled me with manacles and led me from town hall. Up and down the street as I shuffled along, I saw ponies freeze in shock or gasp, and I dropped my head after just seconds. I couldn't bear to look any of the townsfolk in the eyes. Just days ago they were rallying behind me, helping the farm, helping _me_ , good 'ol Applejack. The thought of what must be going through their minds just then turned my stomach into a rock.

“Applejack? Applejack! What...?”

I dragged my head up, only to see one of the worst possible ponies I could have run into.

Sweetie Belle galloped over to me, stubby legs a blur, but the police-pony extended a foreleg to block her. “Applejack, what happened?” Her little voice squeaked itself into higher registers in her rush to get the words out. “Where are the police taking you?” Her tiny hooves danced in place, wide eyes begging me for answers, wilting ears anticipating ones she feared. Before I could answer, she gasped. "Somepony must have framed you! The Crusaders and I will get you out of this!"

I shook my head, waving her down, watching confusion refill her huge eyes. “Ah got in an argument with somepony, sugarcube. Ah hurt him, by accident. We'll get it sorted out soon enough.” With that, I felt I was done talking for the year. If Celestia herself had landed in front of me and demanded an explanation, I don't think I could have mustered the will to say another word.

Sweetie's increasingly-urgent pleas became a drone in my ears, as did pretty much everything the police said at the station as I was booked and placed in a cell. It was the town's only cell, in fact. That's how often it was needed.

I washed myself at the tiny sink in the cell. I didn't feel like I'd ever be clean again after what I'd done. A few times while I scrubbed my hooves beneath the faucet I swore I saw blood on them, and prayed to Celestia it wasn't an omen.

Once I'd twisted off the faucets, water pooled in the scratched basin, showing me the face I least wanted to see right then. I was healthier in body than the last time I'd really studied myself, but I felt like even as I'd gained back the weight I'd lost, Applejack, the real Applejack, had continued wasting away to nothing. I tried peering through my reflection's green eyes, imagining I could glimpse the husk of the pony I once was rattling around inside the shell I stood in.

I couldn't dwell on the image long. The water finally seeped away, and watching it swirl down the drain, I felt my freedom and the last hope I had of salvaging my life going with it. I had hardly begun to indulge myself, dwelling on this fresh misery, when I was interrupted.

A magical field caught the gate to the holding area and shoved it open with a crash before five familiar mares rushed through to line up in front of my cage.

“AJ!” Twilight planted a hoof against the bars of the cell door. “What happened at town hall? Ponies are saying you went crazy and tried to murder a clerk!”

I sat on the floor and fixed my eyes on a spot a few feet from my hooves. “Didn't mean to hurt him so bad. Ah just got... _so_ angry. Never meant...”

Silence reigned outside the bars for over a minute. I could just imagine the faces they were making at each other. What face would I make if I'd discovered one of my closest friends had slammed a random pony's skull into a wall in a fit of temper? Plainly that friend wasn't sane.

“AJ, tell us what happened? Please? I know you went there today to ask after that grant, no?” Rarity hunkered down and got as close as she could, close enough that her perfume overwhelmed the stale smells of the cell.

I retold the conversation as best as I could remember it, and the events that followed.

“Is Red Tape...did he survive?” My mouth had never been so dry, not even on the hottest workday of the summer.

“Yes, he's at the hospital now. The medic I saw at town hall told me a little. He has a concussion, maybe a hairline skull fracture. Some bumps, bruises, and cuts. They're going to be doing a lot of tests. You can never be too careful with head trauma.” Twilight sounded more reproachful than worried, which gave me some peace of mind.

Fluttershy stretched a hoof towards me through the bars. “I heard you were the only one who tried to administer first-aid. Not a single one of his coworkers lifted a hoof! They'll just have to take that into account, don't you think? And realize you never intended to do him so much damage!” She clucked her tongue. "And who would be thinking straight anyways with their precious pup all laid up at the vet."

Rainbow Dash struck my cell a blow, the iron bar ringing. “That slimy little paper-pusher! Threatening the mayor like that, bullying you! I-I don't blame you for getting mad AJ, but...what you did? That's not cool. And it's not _like you_ either!” She rested her head against the bars, bright mane and a bit of muzzle poking through. “I thought being depressed was supposed to make you really _sad_ all the time, not turn you into a bucking ball of rage.”

“Irritability is one of the symptoms of depression, according to some of the reading I've been doing.” Twilight frowned. “Thaaat's...a lot more than just irritability though.”

Pinkie had been silent the entire time. She'd let Twilight step between us, so I couldn't even get a good look at her. From behind the alicorn, she finally spoke up. “Is something else going on, AJ?”

“It—Ah...mah _home_!” I found myself choking on my words, and crumpled to the floor of the cell. With nothing and no one to hold, I curled into a fetal arc, letting my tears soak the floorboards. I felt like I'd been running a gauntlet, enduring body blows one after the other without rest, and I just couldn't hold myself together any longer. My body shook, totally out of my control, shoulders heaving with the force of my sobs. Every round of crying emptied my lungs completely, forcing me to gasp, only to start again.

I felt a magical field envelop me, lifting me onto the cot in the cell.

“What happened to the house, Applejack?” Twilight pushed me, her need to know—to have all the information so she could solve this new problem—overriding the desire to let me cry it out.

I don't know how long I made them wait. Every time I felt like I'd gotten enough breath to speak, I thought of Auntie Applesauce and her endless supply of blame, or Winona lying broken and neglected in that field, or how I couldn't think of a place I felt safe anymore, and anguish tightened my throat back up.

Finally I got a few sentences out. “A-Auntie Applesauce c-came to help care for Granny Smith. S-she doesn't understand anything, tells me Ah'm lazy, lies to G-G-Granny about what Ah've been doin', and now the last place Ah felt safe and a-at home is like mah own personal Tartarus!”

“She did _not_!”

“What?!”

“Seriously?”

Twilight balanced on her hindlegs to set her hooves on the bars. “How is this happening? I can't imagine Big Mac putting up with that! Doesn't he have your back?”

I waved a weak hoof at her. “He's been workin' so hard tryin' to keep everything together while Ah've been f-fallin' to pieces, he's just exhausted when he gets home. Ah doubt he sees anything but his dinner plate, the bathtub, and his bed, in that order, when he gets in the door at night.”

Rarity swore under her breath. I couldn't make it out, but the others verbally recoiled, it was such ugly profanity.

“Rarity, my goodness!”

“No Twilight, you don't understand. We've been going about this all wrong. Applejack told us her farm was in trouble, and that she was depressed. We've done what we could to help remedy the first problem, trusting that fixing it would fix the second problem, but that doesn't necessarily follow.” The unicorn sighed. “We should have been by her side all this time, not letting her alone like she had a cold we were afraid of catching.”

Dash rubbed the back of her head. “I...I have to admit I haven't been there for you, AJ. I just don't know what to do for you!”

Fluttershy nodded behind the curtain of her mane. “A-and it was so hard to see you so down, I tended to stay away too. If...if I could only _help_ somehow, but I-I just don't know...I'm so sorry.” She trailed off into miserable silence, only the occasional sniffle escaping her mane.

“I convinced myself my material contributions were enough, that everypony else would pitch in to make up for my lack of a personal touch, since we aren't the closest. I was so stupid,” Rarity hissed.

Twilight sighed. “We'll do better when you get out, Applejack. You won't be fighting this fight alone anymore. We'll do it together, just like we stand against any other enemy.”

“So let's get her out of here, then!” Pinkie bounced back out of the lock-up, and the rest trailed after, dragging their hooves.

Twilight paused at the end of the pony train to glance back at me. “We'll talk to the mayor, Applejack. This is a unique situation. We'll set things right.”

Rewinding the day two hours would be the only way of setting things right, but I just lifted my head enough to nod Twilight's way, and collapsed back onto the cot.

I was in jail for a week. There was hardly an hour in the day one of my friends wasn't right outside my cell; regular visiting hours didn't seem to apply to me. I was given a lot of special treatment in fact, which made me feel a little sick. How long would I have spent locked up if I hadn't been an Element of Harmony, or a personal friend of Celestia's prize pupil?

Twilight had a talk with Textbook that I suspected was rather one-sided, and my former psychologist testified that in my current circumstances my judgment was impaired. In the improvised courtroom in town hall, (Ponyville seldom had need to formally try a pony) the judge noted the expert testimony.

Eyewitness accounts from the clerks I'd threatened were inconclusive, since none of them were actually harmed and they did witness me trying to help Red Tape. Their testimony neither helped nor particularly hurt my case, it simply confirmed the facts of the incident.

When they wheeled Red Tape into the courtroom in a wheelchair, I figured myself for doomed. What jury was going to side with me after seeing the pathetic bandaged stallion, brave enough to come down to town hall and risk his health to be sure his attacker was brought to justice? Actually, as I looked the stallion over, he appeared to be bandaged much more heavily than his wounds called for. I certainly hadn't heard about anything requiring a sling or a neck brace...

The bailiff swore him in, and the prosecution stepped up to the side of Red Tape's chair.

“Sir, can you describe to us what happened on the day you received your injuries?”

“Of course. Miss Applejack—“ he spit out my name, face no longer anywhere near the impassive mask he usually wore, “—came to me attempting to extort money from the Crowns to save her pathetic farm! I refused her of course, and when she threatened to go over my head and engage the mayor directly, I voiced my suspicion of a culture of croneyism and stated my intention to begin an investigation. It was then that Miss Applejack viciously attacked me, giving no warning.”

I'd been schooled not to respond in case of something like this, but I still felt a flare of rage in my breast. Red Tape carefully avoided looking in my direction as the prosecution questioned him about his pain and suffering.

When the defense took over, Horse Majeure of course, he didn't pull any punches.

“I have testimony Mr. Tape that you offered to drop your internal investigation if Applejack agreed to stop petitioning to apply for the grant in question. Purportedly, you even demanded she discontinue use of this facility, the hub of government in Ponyville, until tax-time next year." Horse paused to stare at his witness, whose expression had frozen. "Earlier questioning of the clerk who sat beside you in this very hall confirms there was more conversation than what you have relayed to the court here today.”

Red Tape began to sweat, ears flicking every few seconds. He turned his head, neck brace slipping a bit as he glanced from someone in the crowd back at Horse. “I can guess where that testimony came from! And perhaps I've forgotten a word or two but my account is accurate!”

“Were you aware sir that your attacker rendered aid following the incident? She didn't flee the scene of the crime, but actively sought to treat you. She had to fight off three of your fellow staffers in order to render this assistance.”

“The desperation of a mare who does not wish a murder-rap, nothing more! Even had I died, she could claim she'd done all she could to save me.”

“Or, she is as her doctor informed us, in desperate circumstances and in a very fragile frame of mind, which you massively disturbed with illegal and petty blocking.”

The increasingly-twitchy prosecutor leaped up. “Objection! Leading the witness.”

Judge Oak Bench nodded. “Sustained, but elaborate on how this 'blocking' was illegal, Mr. Majeure.”

Horse nodded. “Red Tape is a minor functionary at town hall. It is his responsibility to release forms and assist ponies in filling them out successfully. Applejack did not go to town hall to 'extort money' but to apply legally for a grant, a process any pony of legal age can do anywhere in Equestria.” He thrust a hoof at Red Tape. “Mr. Tape decided on his own authority that Applejack did not deserve the same rights as everypony else, and failed to perform his duty. Do I even have to mention his stipulation that Applejack ban herself from town hall for months?”

Oak Bench scratched one of his bushy eyebrows. “Disturbing, but what bearing does this have on Applejack's attack on Red Tape?”

“It opens up questions about why Red Tape would do this to Applejack. Did he bear a grudge against her? Has he stymied her in the past? Is she the only one he's blocked thusly?”

“Objection! This is a wild tangent!” The prosecutor flailed her hooves.

“Sustained. Are we done with Red Tape? He looks...exhausted.”

Honestly he looked like he was having a panic attack. "Applejack! I'm going to sue you into the ground when you get out of the lockup!" His foreleg left its sling, thrusting right at me. "Think you're so big? Muscles don't mean horseapples in my office, and that's a lesson you'll pay dearly for!"

The mingled look of pity and disgust the mayor laid on Red Tape as he was wheeled out seemed to promise one thing: his job would not be waiting for him when he finished recuperating.

“Jury, the bailiff will now take you away to deliberate.” Oak Bench folded his forelegs, leaned back in his chair and dozed while the eight-pony jury filed upstairs to some empty office to talk things over.

Horse settled in beside me, and gave my back a pat. “The jury's thinking hard about how big an ass Red Tape is and how screwed-up your life is right now. They know you have always been kind, generous, hard-working and honest, while he has always been a cold, slimy, insensitive inchworm. It doesn't get you off the hook, but I think they'll be able to see this for the accident it is, and not as the start of Applejack's murder-spree.” He winked at me, but I could see the solemnity lurking behind it and the tight little smile. I couldn't tell whether he was worried about me, or worried about what I might do.

Before an hour had ticked by, the jury trotted back downstairs and took their seats again. The judge asked them for their verdict.

“We find Applejack Apple guilty on the charge of battery. We find her not-guilty for aggravated assault. We wish to express our belief that Applejack's judgment was indeed impaired at the time the crime was committed, and that proper leniency be used in her sentencing.” The mare reading the verdict sat down, and snuck a pitying sideways glance at me. My cheeks burned.

Oak Bench accepted the written verdict from the bailiff, but hardly glanced at it. “Applejack Apple. I have listened to a jury of your peers, reviewed the advice of experts and witnesses, and seen with my own eyes how downcast you are over this entire incident. No one in Ponyville can be said to be impartial when it comes to you, one of our favorite daughters, and it hurts us all to see you brought this low. I rule that you continue your treatment for depression under a licensed doctor, and you will perform 450 hours of community service starting next year.”

Oak Bench removed his spectacles, and gave me a tired smile. “If that's all you end up performing, you'd call it an easy year compared to most, I'd bet. You will serve a sentence of one month house-arrest, less time already-served.”

My mouth fell open. House-arrest. With Auntie Applesauce? Now that I was a criminal on top of everything else?

Horse and the judge were smiling, waiting for me to show some sign of gratitude for the lenient sentence. I felt like I had to scrape so far back inside myself, the tremulous smile I finally extracted came from the tip of my tail.

It wasn't until the bailiff had placed a tracking spell on me and released me into my friends' custody that I felt I could even take a proper breath. My lungs felt like they could expand again, but I couldn't seem to stop gasping for air. Just a quarter mile down main street, I stumbled sideways into Fluttershy, dizzy, and we all stopped.

“AJ, what is it?” Rarity steadied me, and Fluttershy peered into my eyes.

“You're hyperventilating, Applejack. You can calm down now, you're free of those awful bars and out here under the sun, standing in sparkling snow! You're here with us now, and it's going to be okay.” Fluttershy stroked my neck with smooth and even passes, and her touch, along with her soft voice, eventually did have a soothing effect.

“I-it's not jail Ah'm stressin' over now.” I swallowed, feeling dried out in the cold air.

Rainbow scowled, and kicked a chip of ice off the road and into a snowbank. “It's that old nag of an aunt you're worried about, isn't it?”

None of them missed how I flinched at the word 'aunt.'

“You have us here with you this time, Applejack.” Twilight narrowed her eyes a bit in concentration as she unfurled just a single wing, then draped it over me with a tiny little smirk of triumph.

“Yeah! That old windbag better start blowing her hot air up somepony else's—“

Rarity tugged the pegasus' tail with a magical grip. “That will do, Rainbow Dash.”

The familiar banter took my mind off things just enough. I straightened, set one hoof in front of another, and let momentum carry me down the road for home.

Home. It felt like a month since I'd seen it. It had even been long enough since I'd heard Auntie's voice that I was looking forward to seeing everyone again, plus the familiar sights. Even if the trees were bare and the grass was buried beneath a snowy blanket, it was still my home. I missed Winona dashing up to greet me, feeling the knife of guilt twist in my side again.

We had almost reached the front door when Rarity spoke up. “Why, where did Pinkie get off to? I could swear she was right beside me a moment ago.”

I shrugged. “Pinkie is as Pinkie does.” I pushed open the door, the other four ponies filing in behind me.

We found Pinkie easily enough. She was embroiled in a shouting match with Auntie Applesauce in the dining room, trying to wrestle her party-cannon away from the nag. Streamers, balloons, and confetti covered half the room, but it was obvious Pinkie hadn't finished firing her celebratory ordnance yet.

“You will _not_ host a party for that degenerate monster in this house! If I could disown her myself, I would have the second those manacles clicked around her ankles!”

“You don't know a thing about Applejack, Auntie Meaniesauce! She deserves every party in the world for carrying on with the battle she's fighting inside! You can't stand to see an earth pony slip and be weak, even for a second, and she's hardly even _being_ weak even though she _should_ be, she _deserves_ to be,”

“Yes, you'd know all about just-desserts, wouldn't you?” Auntie Applesauce jabbed Pinkie in the belly with one hoof. “If the rest of her friends are anything like you, no wonder she's become so **soft** , so willing to give in and let others carry her load.”

That was the cue for the rest of the girls behind me to join the fray. They rushed past me to join Pinkie, confronting Auntie Applesauce, and the din in the dining room rose to echo through every corner of the house.

I took a step back, then another, and backed around the corner to crash to my rump on the kitchen floor. My home was still no refuge; it was getting hard to imagine it ever would be again. The bad memories were stacking up fast, and they loomed so much larger lately than the good ones.

I jumped when a heavy hoof landed on my foreshoulder. Mac stood there, glaring through the doorway into the dining room. Granny Smith and Apple Bloom stood behind him, no less grim. They moved as one into the chaos, and Mac struck the floor a blow so hard the heavy table jumped a few inches into the air.

Silence reigned, while Granny hobbled out from behind Mac and crossed the floor towards Auntie. She planted herself right in front of the indignant old mare.

Granny held herself even more stiffly than her old bones required. “Applesauce, it's time for you to go.”

“But Granny Smith, you're still—“

“I'm hale enough, and you've stirred up enough bees in our bonnets that I don't want to hear your horseshoes on our road 'til the next reunion!”

“Of all the ungrateful—!”

“Nopony asked for you to come and enjoy our hospitality, so I don't have any qualms about withdrawin' it, Choppers! Now git, or Mac'll fetch the wheelbarrow!”

Apple Bloom dragged a packed suitcase into view, punctuation on the family-delivered proclamation.

“Well. In all my days I never thought I'd see you cater to such a pathetic case of immaturity, Granny Smith. She's poison, and it'll spread.” Auntie made a point of glaring at Apple Bloom before she seized her bag in her teeth. She promptly lost those teeth when she tried to make for the door, dentures still clutching the luggage handle.

Twilight sighed. “I'll give you a hoof with your bag, ma'am.”

Pinkie finished putting up the decorations after Auntie left, but the welcome-back party felt forced. It was plain on everyone's faces fun wasn't foremost on our minds. Apple Bloom took a bit to catch the mood, but even she wound down from her sugar-high soon enough and noticed that nopony was trying very hard to pin the tail on the pony, and that their first cups of punch had barely been touched.

She pranced over and hogtied my forelegs in a hug after I'd finished my turn with the tail. I'd managed to tack it to a lampshade.

“M'so glad you're home sis. Ah know you didn't mean for all that to happen, and Ah know he was a rotten stallion.” She squeezed me tighter still, her little face buried against my chest.

I brushed my muzzle along her fiery mane. “Rotten as he was, Ah've no excuse for what Ah did. Violence solves nothin' twixt civilized folk. Ah hope you can see that, sugarcube.”

“Ah do, sis.”

“AJ! C'mon and try to break this pinata!”

I waved a hindleg awkwardly at Pinkie, then managed to shift Apple Bloom up onto my back, freeing my other legs.

“Let's have some fun tonight. Get used to it, 'cuz yer big sis is stuck inside these walls for a few weeks!”

“Frees Brass and me up to do yer chores,” Tacks chuckled, stepping in from the kitchen. Brass was right behind her, though he detoured for the refreshments right after shooting me a wink.

I gave her a hoof-bump and a tired smile. “Where've you two been?”

“We couldn't stand dat old bag of yers, so we been lyin' low in the bahn. When we were sure she'd gone fer good, we decided to join the pahty.”

The twins looked a bit bedraggled, and I could only imagine how often they'd chosen to skip bathing to avoid dealing with Auntie. A faint echo of the anger I'd felt before flickered in my core, but I snuffed it with the assurance that Applesauce was gone.

I glanced at Granny, struck by a sudden thought. She was the closest to Auntie Applesauce, and telling her off like that couldn't have been easy. She sat at the table, head down, and for a moment I thought she'd fallen asleep in the center of the party's noise and light. Then she shook her head, just a tiny bit, and her age-puckered mouth tightened.

No. No, Granny was far from unaffected. I'd managed to come between her and one of her closest relatives. She'd come here to care for Granny, not me. I should've just ignored her.

The room seemed to throb. With every pulse I felt it would expel me, and I'd be tossed into the darkness of the rest of the house, away from the pressure of eyes, expectations, affection and love. I felt like I was throbbing in turn, and when the room and I synched, when I'd grown desperate enough to escape, all resistance to that pull would collapse.

Pinkie bumped my shoulder with a short stick, holding the other end in her mouth. Her eyes begged me to take a swing, to _try_.

I took the stick, and waded back into the party. I had to try. I couldn't let the voice in my head and Auntie Applesauce be right about me. I couldn't let my friends down. I couldn't let my family down. Hay, I couldn't let me down any more than I already had! That piñata was going down.

* * *

When an officer came to remove my tracking spell on the last day of my house arrest, it was bitterly cold. As I stepped outside and filled my lungs with the freezing air, I had to wonder if it had gotten that much chillier, or if I'd just acclimated to the indoors with all the days cooped up. I'd baked more pies than I cared to think about, and done more cleaning than I can recall doing at a stretch.

I stamped a few times, trying to convince my muscles not to freeze solid. I settled my new scarf in place, a gift from Rarity, then started my old routine.

It was a miserable day, weather-wise. It was one of those gray, washed-out winter days where everything looks like filthy wool, the color leached out, stored in some distant, happier land. The sight of the orchard itself didn't help my mood any. Bare branches, stretching up into the air, looked like cracks in the sky rather than my beloved trees. The green, all the shades I loved so much, and the jewel-like reds, emeralds, and golds of apples were all missing. It seemed like nothing but death covered the farm, though I knew very well the trees only slept.

I envied them a moment, as I made my way between the trunks. I imagined being able to just slide into bed, close my eyes, and wake up in spring, the deep chill of winter nothing but a bad dream, the fragments of it quickly shaken off.

"Applejack!" Brass called to me, and I followed the voice to the row of trees the twins were working on.

"Y'all getting along okay?" I looked over some of the work they'd been doing, and nodded my approval. Mac and I had taught them well. The pruning was going smoothly.

"Yeah, but I've been spottin' somethin' pretty odd. Heah, take a look." Brass held a severed tree-limb out towards Tacks and me.

"Huh. Look at that. There's some kind of worm under the bark." Tacks squinted at the cut end of the branch.

I stopped cold, and hustled over to seize the limb. I moved into a sunny patch, raised it to my eye and stared. Sure enough, the disappearing tail of a worm was visible. Grimacing, I grasped it with my lips and tugged hard, dragging it out from beneath the bark. I spat it into one hoof and examined it. The worm was orange and brown with white mold-like spots along its length. It was more caterpillar than worm in appearance, really, but it meant nothing but disaster in my eyes.

"That's a burrowing bark-nester! They're a pest, and enough of 'em will kill a tree like nopony's business!" I tossed it to the ground and gave it one good strike with my hoof, grinding it into paste among the snow-dusted leaves. "Keep an eye out for more, and follow mah lead. We can't afford to have any of those things in the orchard!"

Brass and Tacks found five more apiece in the next few minutes, just in the limbs they were trimming off.

"Horseapples. Ah need to get Twilight. She might be able to tell me just how bad the infestation is, but this don't look good."

Twilight Sparkle was just leaving the library with a load of books and scrolls when I found her. "Twi! Ah think Ah may have an infestation on mah hooves! Can ya come straight over and take a look?"

Twilight hesitated. "Hang on a second. I was just on my way to the mayor's to drop off these advance plans for Winter Wrap-up. I'll drop them off, then meet you there at the farm."

I nodded, though I couldn't help but grimace at the mere mention of the mayor. That would have to do. I headed back for the farm at a gallop, almost breaking a leg on an icy patch.

"Sure will be glad to wrap up this winter," I groused. Warmer weather brought the green, growing part of work on the farm, far more satisfying and fulfilling than the cold, ruthless work of pruning in the winter. I just hoped there would be an orchard left to work...

Back at Sweet Apple Acres I found Brass and Tacks out shivering in the orchard, still finding more of the blasted worms.

"Brass, head to the gate to give Twi directions when she arrives, will you?"

Brass headed off at a good pace, probably glad for the run to work up some heat. Tacks tilted her head at me. "How do ya get rid of dese things?"

"They need a good long winter to develop properly. If you raise the temperature enough during their growing season, they'll croak."

"Raise the temperature? It's ten below freezing out t'day!" Tacks shook her head. "What's the worst-case scenario? Say the whole orchard is infected?"

No, don't even imagine that! "We're almost sure to lose trees, then. Ah dunno know how many." A familiar burning feeling began to spread in my stomach.

Twilight fluttered into view overhead, spotted me through a gap in the branches, and teleported to the ground. "Okay, what have we got?"

I trimmed off a nearby limb, and scowled as it too contained a worm, or half of one at least. Twilight made a face but accepted the partial specimen, examining it. "You told me about these once, didn't you? Burrowing..."

"Bark-nesters. We need to know how bad the infestation is, then we need to start treatment right away! Normally, that means fire barrels and fabric to capture and focus the hot smoke, but Ah was rather hopin' you had a more direct, magical method." I found that I was prancing in place I was so anxious, and reined myself in. Brass rejoined us, breath puffing out in clouds from his run.

Twilight lit up her horn, lowered her head to level the tip of that horn at the nearest tree, and projected a flat, triangular plane of light at its trunk. She swept the light up and down the tree, and we could clearly see worms highlighted in fluorescent green. Twi turned to the tree's neighbor and repeated the scan, finding more worms. Frowning, she widened her stance, then projected the scanning spell across a wider area, scanning a half-dozen trees at once.

They were all infested. My legs felt weak. "Let's...move a few dozen yards away and try again. Tacks, could you go fetch some twine from the barn? We can mark the infected trees with it."

Tacks nodded, face grim as she ran off. Brass shrugged as we cantered off to a new site to sample. "Why bother with marking? It looks like at this rate every tree is gonna—"

"No! That can't be!" I shouted, my voice cracking I put so much force behind the words. The other two ponies fell behind a few steps, but hurried to catch up when I didn't pause.

In a new grove of trees Twilight scanned again, and still found worms. I groaned through clenched teeth. "Let's try one of the other orchards. Maybe it's just this one."

Brass kept his mouth shut this time while we crossed a swath of grass to reach the north orchard. Twilight lit her horn, and I watched the tree's bark apparently disappear, revealing yet more worms.

My legs buckled, sending me crashing to the ground. Frozen leaves crackled beneath me and frost ground into my coat, chilling me in an instant. "N-no, not after all we did..."

"Applejack, this isn't the end! I can help." Twilight stomped a hoof. She turned to the tree she had just scanned, and projected her magic into the air, forming a disc. She warped the disc, intensifying the harsh winter sunlight that filtered down through the leaves above, focusing the resulting point of light and heat on the tree.

With a bit more effort and a deeper glow in her horn, she restored the scanning spell from earlier, running both spells simultaneously. Using the scan to guide the pinpoint of sunlight, Twi began to fry the worms right through the bark of the tree. It took about six minutes to do the entire tree, and Twilight looked satisfied when she'd finished.

"There, the worms are dead and the tree is unharmed."

"Twilight, unless you can do that to a whole mess of trees at once, that method won't do us any good!" I wasn't sure why I was even speaking, or how I even had the energy left to do so. It was all so pointless now.

"Why? There can't be that many trees on the farm."

"No, only a bit over twenty-thousand."

"Twenty...so at six minutes a tree, I'd be done in..." Twilight flinched. "Three months, working non-stop." She shook her head. "Well, I'll have to think of something else then. Why don't we visit the other orchards and make sure the problem extends to them?"

I don't know how I managed to rise to my hooves and follow, but I did. The next thing I knew we were in the west orchard, and we found the worm concentration was greatest here.

"If I had to guess, I'd say they spread from here," Twilight said.

My stomach cramped, and I staggered against the nearest tree. "M-my fault... There must have been a colony here, and Ah disturbed them when Ah started choppin' down trees and gettin' this orchard back into shape."

Twilight bit her lip. "That... That may be, but there's no way you could have known. This really isn't your fault, AJ! It could've happened to anypony at any time!"

"But it happened to me, now!" I screamed, sending Twilight and Brass back a step again. "And why shouldn't it?! Anythin' can go wrong, it will if Applejack has a hoof in it! If that's how yer gonna be, big bad world, Ah have a solution!" I turned and galloped for the farmhouse, weaving in and out between trees.

I could hear Twilight behind me, begging me to stop, to listen to her, but I pressed on. She teleported right in front of me, planting her hooves and bracing herself for an impact, but I just dodged to one side of the alicorn. Just past the treeline near the farmhouse she tried the same trick but also spread her wings, presenting a larger barrier. I tensed my hindlegs and leaped, sailing right over her, skidding across the snowy grass on the other side.

When I reached the house, I burst in the door, nearly knocking Granny over backwards in her rocker with shock.  
"Jackie, what—"

I ignored her, dashing upstairs with a terrible clatter.

Twilight teleported into my bedroom just as I shut the door behind me. "Applejack, no! Suicide is not the answer!"

I collapsed on my bed. Unless I smothered myself with my own pillow by mistake, I didn't think that was a concern.

There was an awkward pause when she realized I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I just wanted to stop hurting everyone else. Not that I expected her to get that. I flicked an ear when she snapped at me, Twilight's voice taut with anger. "I'm so tired of this! There's this **wall** that nothing gets through with you!" Her frustration came through clearer the longer she went on. "I don't even know if you _want_ to get better. You almost seem to like being miserable!"

"Jest go 'way Twi. Leave me be. S'what Ah need right now. S'what everyone needs."

"No, it _isn't_! What we all need is our Applejack, our friend! This ball of despair in front of me isn't her! It's almost like you're... _possessed_ or something.

She paced back and forth; I could hear each frustrated impact of hooves on my floorboards. "The old Applejack would never have given up and come up here to hide! She never hid from hard work!"

Everything ugly boiling inside me exploded like Twilight had thrown a match into a powder keg. I twisted, tearing my face away from the pillow, barely even focusing my eyes on her. Flecks of spit flew from my lips as I bellowed, "Everything Ah touch turns to _manure_!"

My body felt desperate to cry, but my eyes only grew hot, not wet. "Ah shoulda stayed in Manehattan when Ah left as a filly! Shoulda stayed in Dodge Junction when Ah screwed up back then! Everyone'd be better off." I jerked my head back down into the pillow.

An ink-cloud of despair fought with a molten lake of hate inside me. Most of the hatred was reserved for myself, but I found some of it leaking towards Twilight. So, I hated my own friend who was only here to help me. Welcome to the bottom, Jackie.

"Applejack! You have to know that's not true! That's not—" Twilight stopped herself and sighed. "You're not even reasonable right now. I'm done ramming my head into a wall."

With my muzzle in my pillow I couldn't see Twilight's face, but I could imagine the disappointment on it. It was the easiest thing in the world to copy that disappointment onto the faces of the rest of my friends, then my family. My mind took it a step further and twisted the disappointment into disgust, then anger.

When I did nothing but quiver in my bed, Twilight heaved another sigh. "I'm going to get the rest of our friends, and I'm going to do whatever I can to save your farm. If you want to hide up here, that's your decision."

I didn't think I could sink any further. I thought I'd been pounded right into the dirt. Twilight's words proved me wrong, landing like sledgehammer blows. Tears finally came, leaking fast and hot into my pillow. I felt the displacement of air as she teleported out again, and dragged my blankets up over my head, shutting out the world.


	8. On the Mend

Chapter Eight

I heard a lot of activity over the next few hours. Raised voices, the crackle of Twilight's teleport, windows rattling as pegasi flew by. It was torture, knowing some monumental effort was taking place out there to fix my mistakes, but all the same, it would've been easier for stone-bound Discord to help than it was for me to leave my bed. In time the noise grew by leaps and bounds. I heard music and the sound of a huge crowd.

My breath caught as a horrible thought flickered to life. They couldn't have called an emergency family reunion, could they? The thought of hiding from a long queue of family and disappointing every last one of them in person rather than by mail was unbearable. I told myself it was impossible; I could count on my hooves the relatives who lived close enough to have gotten here so quickly.

Eventually the racket tapered off, and more familiar family-noises filtered back into the house.

Apple Bloom told me later what all had happened. They saved the orchards. Twilight found a more effective means of heating the trees, while Rainbow Dash conscripted the weather team to help with more traditional methods. Pinkie Pie used a song and parade to recruit a big train of ponies in town who pitched in too, and of course Fluttershy and Rarity did their part.

Apple Bloom spoke in the best indoor-voice I'd ever heard from her, and I could barely stand to look her in the face. She fidgeted and fussed with a bit of my sheets. The day's work showed on her, but I guessed she wasn't feeling a single one of the aches in her little body. She was far too focused on a problem she had nothing to throw at but love.

Mac only stroked my back, silent, there if I wanted to talk. When I didn't, he left me some supper and turned in, more exhausted than ever. I did sleep, and my dreams were vague, but I woke with the impression they'd been full of accusations and guilt.

I woke to the rooster crowing. My eyes opened to fix on the ceiling. Though I was flat on my back in bed, I felt like I teetered at the edge of a cliff. If I swung my legs out of bed and got moving, I would make it through another day. A pony in motion tends to stay in motion. If I stayed in bed and nursed my misery, I wasn't sure when I'd ever get up. ... _If_ I'd ever get up.

What was there to get up for? What did it matter, anyways? Just because this latest disaster had been averted, notably without my help, I could just bet there was another waiting in the wings with my name on it. The world had it in for me, so why give the world the satisfaction of beating me down any longer?

I rolled away from the window and the glow of a sunrise I refused to face. It took hours, and ignoring tentative taps on my door, but at last I sank back into the refuge of sleep.

* * *

My friends gave me three days before they came for me. Twilight led the charge, and was first to speak, resting a hoof on my blanket-cocooned form. "AJ, I'm sorry. After talking with the girls, I realized I was too hard on you. I don't... I don't understand what you're going through. It's one thing to read about it in books, to hear you talk about what it's like, but I can't _feel_ how it is for you, behind your eyes."

She sighed, withdrawing her hoof. "I lost my temper, and my patience.” Frustration seeped back into her voice. “It's just so hard to see—to watch you—" She let a mingled groan and growl bubble up. "Nothing seems to make any _difference_!”

There was a murmur as the other girls calmed her, before Twilight resumed. “I wrote to Princess Celestia about you. I didn't know who else to turn to. She hasn't... She hasn't answered yet." Even in my state I could hear the hurt and confusion in that phrase. "I realized I couldn't afford to wait on her, so we came to see you."

A new hoof drifted down to rest on me. Even before she spoke, I knew that feather-light touch could only be Fluttershy's. She stroked me through the blanket, as she must have stroked so many suffering patients over the years. It struck me then how hard it must be on such a sensitive mare, seeing and touching so much pain.

After a minute of simple, silent reassurance through touch, 'Shy spoke. “Winona's doing much better, now.” I'd kept the details of the incident from the others, barring Pinkie, who wouldn't buy anything about a freak accident.

I flinched. A double dose of guilt hit me in the heart and stomach, as an image of snow pitted with crimson flashed before my eyes. I'd actually forgotten about my pet over the last few days. How could I have forgotten Winona?

Fluttershy draped herself over me. The pegasus didn't weigh much, but she carried quite a bit of warmth. "Applejack, you're sick. Because it's all in your head, and in your heart, it might feel like something...natural, that you just have to deal with it yourself. It isn't, and you can get help. Twilight mentioned you had, um, problems with your doctor? We did some asking around. There's a private psychologist in town who comes highly recommended."

She withdrew after a moment, and something small and soft came to rest against my underside, through the blankets. "Would you...when you're feeling a bit better of course, please try her? Please. I can't b-bandage you, can't f-fix you, but maybe she can."

Rainbow Dash didn't touch me. I'd half-expected her to give me a good shake. "So, I know things have been ridiculously rough for you lately. I just want you to remember that you need to get better not just for yourself, but for your family." Somepony hissed at her. "Not that I'm guilting you! Just, for yourself, you should want to." I could picture her rubbing the back of her head, starting to get antsy in my small bedroom, packed in there with five other ponies. "And when I say family, AJ? That still includes us girls. Heh, honorary family members, right? We need our big sister Applejack back."

I thought back on all the times I'd had to yank Rainbow out of the line of fire, or calmed Twilight down, or at least tried to redirect Rarity's attention to reality. They might not _need_ me, apart from Rainbow maybe, but they were sure worse off without me. The old me, anyways.

Rarity patted my blanketed head. "If you need a little...retreat, a vacation, Applejack, you're welcome to stay with me for as long as you like. I'll even try my best to perform your chores in your absence." I heard her gulp before continuing.

"Your orchard is like our friendship, Applejack. It's a lot of work! It demands pruning, watering, and attentive care in order to flourish, and in the case of you and me specifically, a healthy dose of patience! And there are always set-backs. But look at what you receive in return. Your orchard gives you delicious apples, the best anywhere, that you transform into the most wonderful things, plus shade in the summer, and beautiful leaves in the fall. Friendship gives you even greater fruit and beauty than that, and it's more resilient than the orchard."

Rainbow spoke up. "And when you don't 'water' or 'prune' us, we're going to come check on you to see why!"

"That's right," Rarity said, "and...we found you so thirsty and overgrown AJ. We weren't doing our part. We'll do our best to never let that happen again, darling."

Pinkie sat on the bed. The faint scent of Sugarcube Corner teased my nose, filtering even through the blanket. "Give us a minute alone, girls?" There were a few puzzled sounds, but hooves clomped on floorboards, and I heard the door click shut. Pinkie stretched out behind me on the bed, taking up a familiar position.

"I know this can feel...satisfying, in a way," she murmured, "but that won't last. Every day you spend cooped up in here, buried in blanket-town, is making it harder for you to come back." She nuzzled the back of my head gently, even tentative about it. "Come back to us."

I didn't budge. I couldn't. What was all the hiding and emotional barricading for if I suddenly gave in? I'd decided Auntie Applesauce was right. I was poison, and I was better off locked away, and that's how it should be. If anypony else saw things differently, it's only because they weren't me and couldn't know how awful I was inside.

Pinkie lifted her chin to place her mouth closer to my ears. "I learned a few songs from the sea ponies when we were in their village. Not all of them were happy songs, not with...what had been happening there. One of them...felt a lot like what you're going through. What I've gone through."

I cringed beneath the blanket. Not a song...

_There's a course some wind up swimming,_   
_If you sink from warmer seas._   
_The abyss around you dimming,_   
_So cold, your memories freeze._

_Dark times will always hunt us,_   
_But when our strength is at an end_   
_Never forget we don't swim alone,_   
_Rise to warmth with a friend._

_Stone and darkness hem you in,_   
_Locking you up with your pain._   
_No what's-to-come, no what-has-been_   
_To the hideous 'now' you're chained._

_Dark times will always hunt us,_   
_But when our strength is at an end_   
_Never forget we don't swim alone,_   
_Rise to hope with a friend._

_Your only escort is a shade_   
_Who looks more and more like a friend_   
_But the price she asks for her aid?_   
_Is the last coin you have to spend._

_Dark times will always hunt us,_   
_But when our strength is at an end_   
_Never forget we don't swim alone,_   
_Rise to life with a friend._

_In the black you will wander blind,_   
_Leagues or inches from light and home_   
_Trapped in the maze of your mind,_   
_Imprisoned by familiar bone._

_Dark times will always hunt us,_   
_But when our strength is at an end_   
_Never forget we don't swim alone,_   
_Rise to love with a friend._

I shuddered beneath the blanket. Pinkie's songs had always been bouncy, even overly-cheerful things. I'd never heard her sing anything else. That song was haunting, and having been down in depths like it described, physically and emotionally, it hit me right between the eyes.

I pushed the blanket down, squirmed around, and seized Pinkie in a hug she was more than ready to give. A hoofmade plush Winona, Fluttershy's gift, tumbled to the floor. It barely registered through what felt like a waterfall of tears.

"Alright. Alright. Ah'll try again." I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "M'sorry Pinkie."

"It's okay, AJ. I'll help pull you out of the trench as many times as I need to. Let's just get better, alright?"

The door clicked open, and Rainbow stuck her head in. "Heeey, you're up! Come downstairs! Granny Smith just baked a pie."

Pinkie slid out of bed and tugged at my hoof. "C'mon. That's as good as medicine any day."

I rubbed my eyes, blinked in the darkness of the sitting room, and realized I'd dozed off on the couch. Somepony had draped a blanket over me, and I couldn't help but smile as I folded it and set it aside. The only light still shining there on the first floor was in the dining room, so I made my way there with soft, deliberate steps. No sense in waking up the family with a bunch of clattering around.

Passed out at the dining room table, Granny Smith snored away, head propped on her foreleg, hoof still gripping a quill.  
As gently as I could, I leaned Granny back in her seat, took her quill, cleaned it and put it away. I happened to see the name at the top of her letter and blanched. Applesauce.

I should have let it be and just taken it up to Granny's room with her, but I burned to know what words might pass between the two. Granny was sweet as anything, never mind the tart wit she wielded. Auntie on the other hoof... It was hard to imagine how they'd ever gotten along at all. I turned the letter towards me and read.

_Saucey,_

_I'm writing this now hoping it will reach you not long after you get home. There was a lot I didn't get to say, or maybe couldn't bring myself to say, in that last awful moment here at the house. Only twice in my life have I had to boot somepony off my property, and never family, before you. It broke my heart to do it to you, but you just couldn't see what you were doing to Applejack, and you needed a few sunrises and miles between us to appreciate that._

_I know your feelings on the matter. With all the hours we talked while you played nursemaid for me, you heard it all. Jackie doesn't tell me everything because she worries I'll worry, but I squeeze it out of her brother and sister in the end anyhow. She's walking wounded, as bad as any of those refugees we saw come up from Neigh Orleans years back, but the devastation's mostly in her head and her heart._

_You always had the order of things wrong. The farm wasn't in trouble because Applejack was so down at the mouth and heartsick. She's ailing because the farm's in trouble. She took every scrap of blame and guilt for herself, but just when she was starting to admit maybe she was worth her own time once more you came in with your half-baked understanding of things and rubbed the whole mess in her face again. She isn't your Lazy Bones or dear departed Whiskey Tango, Saucey. Tough love isn't the tack to take in this case. I know you wish you'd learned your lesson years earlier with those two, but your approach is a hammer, and Applejack is not a nail._

_Please come visit us again when_

Granny must have fallen asleep at that point, but I could imagine where she would take it. I hung my head and thought about what I'd just read. Applesauce's behavior made more sense now, though it hardly put her on the guest list for my next party. I glanced between Granny and the letter for a moment, then planted a hoof on her side, giving her a bit of a shake.

"Granny? Gran.”

Nonsense words escaped her in a mumble, but after a few seconds, one eyelid pried itself up. “Applejack? What're you doin' in...” She glanced around. “The dining room. Aheh, mighta dozed off for a second or two.”

I tapped the letter on the table. “Ah'm sorry Gran, but Ah read your letter. Ah wanted to know more about Auntie and...maybe try to figure out why she acted the way she did. Ah guess Ah understand a mite better now.” I rubbed one foreleg with the other, dropping my gaze to the floor. “Ah also wanted to say Ah'm sorry. Never wanted to come between you two. Ah know you were close.”

Granny blinked up at me, more awake by the second. She took my cheeks in her hooves and pulled me in close. “Jackie, family's important, but it's ain't a free pass to act the way she did. If Ah thought for a second you didn't regret hurtin' that paper-pushing busybody the moment you'd dunnit, you'd be sleepin' in the barn and stayin' a field's length from Apple Bloom. Applesauce would've been right.”

Chills ran through me as Granny stared me in the eyes, and for a split-second I was back in town hall, feeling the icy grip on my guts as I stared at an unmoving Red Tape.

“But you did regret it. She ain't right. Ah love you child, and Ah'd love you even if you'd killed that stallion and laughed about it, but Ah couldn't have kept you around, because Ah love the rest of my family too.”

I teared up; there was no resisting it. Granny dropped her hooves from my cheeks and hugged me about the neck, pressing her cheek to mine.

"Sometimes Ah wonder if a timberwolf didn't bite you that night you found the zap apples, Gran. You protect us like their blood, or sap or somethin' flows through your veins.”

“Heh, maybe that's why I creak as much as an old willow in a windstorm, too!”

We shared a good giggle, before I slid a leg up to pat her on the back. “Let's get to bed. Ah don't know about timberwolves and trees, but Ah need sleep.”

“There's some wisdom rubbin' off on ya, Applejack. Nitey nite.”

* * *

The next afternoon found me stepping into a quiet waiting room off a side street in town, windows frosted to prevent a casual passerby from peeking in to see who was crazy lately. Pinkie and Twilight were with me, not that the others hadn't wanted to come along too. I talked them out of it, but more than my arguments, it was a glance at the business itself that convinced them the tiny waiting room inside really wouldn't be a great place for six ponies to cool their hooves in.

The doctor stepped out from her office and gave us all a smile. She was a middle-aged unicorn mare with a magenta coat, her mane and tail a mix of charcoal and canary yellow. It looked like it should have clashed terribly, and perhaps it would have if not for the red ribbons plaited through her hair, helping to bridge the gap between the hues. Her cutie mark was confusing at first glance: a dark disc with a brilliant glowing rim. "Hey everyone. Who am I chatting with today?"

I forced myself to stand and walk towards her, nodding a greeting. "Applejack, ma'am."

"Ahh, welcome. Would your friends like to join us?"

I blinked. "Is...that allowed?"

The doctor pushed her office door open wider. "That's all up to you. If you think they'd help, then there's no reason to leave them out here with my two year-old magazines."

I turned my head and jerked it towards the door, eying Twi and Pinkie. They popped up and filed after me, and soon we three were seated on a comfortable couch in a very professional-looking office. Expensive polished wood and glass seemed to be the themes of the décor, and I took a good look around me to be sure I wouldn't knock anything over if I gesticulated a bit.

The doctor settled herself in a chair across from us, shunning her big desk. The older unicorn levitated a gem from a shelf and set it on a small pedestal atop the desk. "This is how I take notes," she explained. "This gem is enchanted to absorb and 'remember' every sound made in this room for the next hour. Later I'll get it to recite for me, and I'll write things down. I find that writing can distract from the pony I'm with." She gave us that smile again, and neatly crossed her legs. "Now, I'm Doctor Love Hate."

"Whoa, what?" I blurted out. "That's...sorry, but that sounds really, uh, ominous!"

She grinned and shook her head. "You're far from the first to react that way. What are love and hate?"

I blinked, stumped to explain two concepts I understood implicitly.

Twilight tapped her chin. "Powerful emotions?"

Doctor Love nodded. "The most powerful emotions, in fact. Some have said that every other emotion stems from one or the other. That's nearly accurate. It would be closer to the truth to say most emotions spring from love or fear. At any rate, my cutie-mark is a dichotomy—"

"Umm," I glanced at Twilight.

"That's a division, two things in sharp contrast of one another," the alicorn whispered.

I nodded a quick thank-you her way, then squinted again at the doctor's cutie mark. It finally popped into relief for me. It was a solar eclipse. Depending on who you talked to, the forces represented there were in _very_ sharp contrast with each other, or certainly had been in the past.

"—and I became interested in some of the dichotomies we ponies represent, or carry around inside our heads. I held a very serious one myself as a younger mare. In short order, that led me to psychology. It helped me deal with my personal division, and shed light on many questions I had about others'. Have we talked enough about me now?" She grinned.

I blushed a tad, and nodded.

"So what brings you to me today? I admit I've heard your farm is going through some difficulties, but let's pretend I've heard nothing, since it's always better to get it from the source."

I nodded, and launched into my story once again. It was longer now, including my experiences with Textbook, and my relapse after the infestation. I avoided saying anything about Pinkie, other than that she had helped support me. The encounter at town hall was still a raw memory and I struggled to unclench my teeth, get air into my lungs, and unfreeze my throat to get out the words, admitting my crime. Pinkie squeezed my hoof, and Twilight patted my leg, leaning in close against me while I spoke.

I didn't tear up. I did find myself speaking in a monotone, like it was the dullest account possible about a pony of no consequence.

Doctor Love did stop me to ask about my parents when I talked about feeling I'd failed them, once I'd realized I'd have to sell the farm. She asked me a few specific questions about my treatment under Textbook, and her face remained carefully neutral through those, while it was quite expressive throughout the rest of my story.

Her questions grew more frequent and precise the closer my account approached the present. "Try to put into words for me how you felt at your lowest point, after the infestation, when you had sequestered yourself?"

I sat in silence for a long moment. It wasn't easy to come up with words that expressed how awful those days were. "Ah guess, at times it felt like Ah was choking on something hot, like tomato soup. It was this pressure, suffocating, and Ah felt Ah'd do anything to get out from under it. But it wasn't anything physical. Ah couldn't throw it up. You can't cough up self-loathing or spit out hopelessness. It was all emotional, so it just... Ah just..." I trailed off, language failing me, and my self control gave out as tears rolled down my cheeks fast and hot. Pinkie and Twilight were right there for me, holding me, and Doctor Love levitated a box of tissues within easy reach.

"Well Applejack, you've walked a hard rocky road to come this far. You can count your lucky stars you have such a wonderful family and dedicated friends."

I felt Twilight sag a bit beside me. Doctor Love flicked an ear and drew a hoof through the air between her and the alicorn, as if to physically cut off a flow of negative emotion. "Lady Twilight, not everyone is going to pick up on the warning signs of depression. Few even know what to look for, I'm sorry to say. On top of that, Applejack had been actively hiding any signs from all of you, so you had no idea something was wrong. If you'd noticed a trend, then on that day she came to you, I'm certain you would have dropped even your soggy books to listen to her."

Twilight nodded, just a slight bob of her chin, and nuzzled at my cheek.

"Now, your treatment under me is going to be quite different. If I have any 'homework' for you, I'm going to write it out. We will be discussing it on your subsequent visits. You are welcome to bring anypony you like with you, and I suggest you bring your family along at some point. They usually have their own questions, and anything we can do to help them understand what you're going through is helpful."

She uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. "Now. Remember what I said earlier about fear? Fear spawns negative emotions. You've been hit with a lot of fear lately, AJ, and roots of it run through your past. Losing your parents is just about the biggest explosion of fear a child can face, and the echoes of it travel through their entire lifetime." She shook her head, lines appearing below her eyes and around her mouth. "Some don't manage to carry on. You and your siblings **did**."

"But other hard life events, what we head-shrinkers call 'stressors' came along and piled up on you." She mimed heavy objects coming down, one after the other, with increasing force onto a point above her lap. "A pony can only take so much, even the strongest of us."

"Some, when they break, react violently or impulsively. Others are driven into depression. I'm sure you've noticed that even after the immediate events that triggered the depression have abated, the worst of the pressure has eased, your depression sticks around like a guest wearing out their welcome."

I nodded, grimacing. "Ah feel terrible, 'cuz now there isn't even somethin' Ah can point to for why Ah feel so bad. Ponies are just gonna look at me like Ah'm..."

"Crazy. That's another problem. Mental illness carries a stigma with it, mainly because we know so much less about mental illnesses. I think we've all learned that ponies fear what they don't understand."

"Zecora was proof enough of that," Twilight muttered. " _I_ even got caught up in that."

Doctor Love nodded. "They won't know why you can't just 'get over' your depression, or 'shrug it off,' especially since you're an earth pony. Unicorns and pegasi are given more leeway for illness or 'fragility,' but the stereotype for earth ponies holds that you never get sick at all." She smiled at me. "Has anypony in your family ever been sick, Applejack?"

"We _all_ get sick, usually twice a year apiece, though nothin' too serious." Until Granny Smith's heart attack, anyways. Guilt scraped at the inside of my skull.

"You see how counterproductive stereotypes are. You're going to be frustrated with ponies, I can pretty much guarantee it, but it's going to be mutual. If you can get them to understand you're suffering from an illness, you're most of the way there."

"Would it help to get the confused ponies to compare it to a physical illness?" Pinkie asked, getting up from the couch and limping around. "If Ah had a cast on, would you be telling me stuff like that?" She managed a not half-bad imitation of me, though it was higher-pitched.

Doctor Love laughed and nodded. "That might actually help with some ponies." She sobered, and looked me in the eyes. “Truly, depression _is_ as physical as it is mental. It's what's known as a mood disorder, and I'm sure you've noticed the physical toll it's taken on you.”

I grimaced. “Ah don't have the zip Ah used to, that's for darn sure. Mah appetite...yeah, Ah see what you mean. It started in mah head, but it spread down from there.”

Doctor Love nodded, and steepled her forehooves together. "Now, I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist at the hospital. She's kind of the other half of the mental-illness treatment team. Psychologists work on the thinking part of your problems while psychiatrists work on the pure chemical side of things."

"Chemicals?" I tilted my head. "What do you mean?"

"Depression is often the result of certain chemicals in your brain growing out of balance. We can help nudge things back towards normal with medication."

"Drugs?" I shook my head. "Ah don't like the sound of that. Bad enough Ah'm depressed, but takin' pills so Ah can act normal? That sounds like a band-aid!"

Twilight patted my leg, and I settled down some. I was glad my friends were along. I don't know if I would've had the courage to speak up without them there as backup. Doctors are a little intimidating, speaking from such a lofty height of experience and education.

"Okay, let's pull out what Pinkie just did. If you had oh, let's say, the Cutie-pox, and I offered you a pill a scientist had developed that cured it, would you take it?"

"Well..."

"And would you feel at all ashamed to take it?"

"No, Ah'd feel smart for takin' advantage of what's available t'day. In the past ponies may have died from the pox, but Ah don't have to."

"Now just remember that mental illness is no less legitimate than physical illness. Do you still look down on taking a drug to treat it?" Doctor Love smiled a little. She knew she'd trapped me.

I shook my head. "Ah suppose not. It won't make me loopy or anything, will it?"

Doctor Love see-sawed a hoof in the air. "Some of the medications have some less-than ideal side effects, but part of treatment is working closely with your psychiatrist to find a dosage or a combination of medications that works for you. If your symptoms haven't abated enough, or the side effects aren't worth the relief you get, then you try something else.” She spread her forelegs as if to offer me the fruits of her profession's labors. “We're fortunate that we have a small arsenal of different drugs, but it can take some trial and error to find the one that works for you, Applejack."

I felt a bit better about being medicated, knowing I would have that much control over what I took. I was used to doctors just shoving a prescription at me and that's what I would be taking.

"Our time's up for today. I'd like to see you again soon, maybe Thursday?" Doctor Love rose and fetched a pad of paper from her desk to scribble down the referral she'd mentioned.

Today was Monday. "So soon? Ah mean, uh, sure. Maybe one o'clock?" I rubbed my side where Pinkie had elbowed me.

"That will work for me! Here. I'll write the hospital and let them know you'll be coming." She passed me the referral slip, then paused. "One other thing though, something I should have brought up earlier. When you talk to yourself, either in your head or aloud, how hard are you on yourself?"

As hard on myself as I deserve. "P-pretty nasty."

"I want to give you a guideline to try to follow, Applejack. Look at your friends."

I turned to look at Twilight and Pinkie, still standing near the couch. They smiled at me, trying to lend as much encouragement as they could. Strain still showed on Twilight's face, worry lurking in the lines around her eyes. Pinkie's smile wasn't quite as wide as it used to be, though I wagered only her closest friends would have noticed the difference.

Doctor Love nodded their way. "Imagine directing the things you tell yourself at your friends instead."

The thought made me want to vomit, my mind and body both recoiled so fiercely. Nopony I knew deserved... Oh.

"I think you already understand. If you can't bear the thought of spewing that venom at your friends, imagine what kind of damage it's been doing to you all this time." Doctor Love walked up beside me and patted my withers. "Changing your thought patterns is not easy. It won't happen overnight. You can resolve to stop giving yourself such a hard time though." She pointed at my friends. "What would you do for them, if they were in your horseshoes?"

"Well, what they've been doin' for me. Bein' there for me, listenin' to me. When I make some progress, they'll congratulate me, and when I backslide, they wouldn't harass me over it. They'd just try to pull me back up."

"You deserve no worse, Applejack, no matter what you tell yourself." She put every ounce of her persuasive power into that sentence, pulling me about to look me in both eyes. I couldn't find any trace of dishonesty in her. Even knowing my whole story, she meant every word.

"Now. Please try and see the psychiatrist before our next appointment, okay?" She released me, settling all four hooves back on the floor.

"Will do, Doctor Love Hate."

"Doctor Love will do fine," she grinned, crossing to a second door at the rear of the office. "This exit empties out into an alley, but it keeps you from having to walk past anyone in the waiting room. I like to give my clients privacy, if they wish it."

I considered, then shook my head. "Thanks Doc, but Ah don't mind anypony knowin' Ah'm seeing you."

"The client in my waiting room might mind you seeing them though," she said, "not to put too fine a point on it."

I rubbed my face with a hoof, and groaned. "Right, right. Could be the mayor, for all Ah know. Okay girls, let's get goin'. Bye Doc."

"See you soon, Applejack. Nice to meet you Lady Twilight. Good to see you again, Pinkie."

We slipped out through a short hallway and into the promised alley before Twilight raised a brow and rounded on Pinkie. "'Again,' Pinkie?"

"Shyeah, I know everypony, remember?"

"Oh, right, of course." Twilight shook herself. She turned back to me. "AJ, about that grant that came up in there... We should pursue that. If we get a meeting with the mayor, we can bypass Red Tape completely. That is, if he even managed to hold onto his job after all that."

"But what about his threat? If we do that, it just confirms his accusation, gives him the evidence to get Mayor Mare in trouble. Ah don't want to drag anypony else down with mah problems." I made very sure not to glance Pinkie's way. "The farm could become a whirlpool of trouble at that rate."

Twilight shook her head. "He's a clerk, and a bully, abusing what little power he has. The mayor's position is secure. Even if the technical wording of the grant doesn't quite cover what you want to do, the spirit of it definitely does, and that's what ponies in positions like the mayor's are there for, to make calls like that."

She smiled, and I'd never seen a plant-eater look so predatory before. "And they don't appreciate being second-guessed, so I'd love to see Red Tape try anything once she's made her decision."

I glanced at Pinkie, who gave me a series of nods so rapid her head became a blur.

"Well, alright. Try and get a meeting with her, Twi, and thanks."

Twilight nodded, smiling with utter confidence again, and trotted on towards the street.

Pinkie hung back with me, and glanced my way. She shook her head ever so slightly in Twilight's direction. "I have an appointment with Doc Love tomorrow."

"D'you...want me to come along?" I walked with her at half-speed after Twilight.

"No, you've got tons of work to do, and I've been through this kind of thing before."

"Pinkie, Ah'll be there if you want me there. It's only about an hour and after seein' how much it helped havin' you two with me today Ah'd be a rotten friend not to go!"

She hesitated, and I nudged her with my side. "S'all Ah needed to see. Ah'll see you here tomorrow too. What time?"

Pinkie's smile was diluted, but genuine. "Nine in the morning."

"Can do."

"What're you two dawdling for? Planning a party?" Twilight turned to find us several yards behind.

"Nope! You can't plan a party in an alley, silly. You need cake for inspiration." Pinkie bounced out onto the street. "I sense cake nearby. Sound the horns! Chaaaaaaarge!"

Trotting back from the orchards around dinnertime that night, I welcomed the sight of the lit windows of the farmhouse off in the distance, the beacon of warmth drawing me back. The second I walked in the door, Apple Bloom was there at my hooves, dragging me into the dining room.

"C'mon AJ, it's almost time t'eat!"

It was pretty much impossible not to smile as she filly-towed me to my seat. Apple Bloom scooted her chair closer to the corner of the table so she could be closer to me than usual.

"How's the prunin' going?" She propped her chin on her hooves, leaning on the table.

I raised a brow. This was a bit suspicious, being doted on like this. I wondered if she'd broken anything new. "It's goin'. We're about a quarter done with the first orchard. Brass and Tacks are helpin' heaps."

"Great! Today at school? Miss Cheerilee let us pick parts for the Hearth's Warming Eve school pageant! I get to be Chancellor Puddinghead!" Apple Bloom grinned, tail swishing so hard her entire rump moved with it, the filly too excited to even sit down.

"Wow, that's a big part, sugarcube! Think you can learn all those lines?"

"Well, our pageant isn't like the play _you_ were in, it isn't as long. But there are still a lot of lines. I'll have to study a lot. Maybe you can help, i-if you feel like it?" She ducked her head a little, and peered up at me through her mane.

"Ah—" Then it hit me. She was trying to cheer me up, trying to keep me engaged. My little sister was trying to take care of her screwed-up big sister. Mixed feelings flooded me. I wanted to squeeze her until she nearly popped for being such a sweetheart, but I wanted to cry my eyes out that she was having to grow up so fast. Such a little filly shouldn't have to take such heavy responsibility upon herself. Mac and I never wanted her to have to mature as quickly as we'd had to...

I scooped her up into my lap, turning her around so she wouldn't see my brimming eyes. "Sounds great, Apple Bloom."

Mac walked in gripping a hot pan with a mouth-guard, and set it down on the table. "We'll all help you learn yer part, Apple Bloom." He rested a heavy hoof on my shoulder a moment on his way back to the kitchen. "We Apples're family, and we're always within reach."

Granny hobbled out with a basket of biscuits on her head. "Might not know 'xactly what's goin' on, or how to help, but we'll pull ya up and dust ya off when ya fail and we'll cheer louder'n anypony when you succeed." She winked, then wandered back into the kitchen, forgotten biscuits still on her head.

"Ah have a lot of problems," I murmured, nuzzling into Apple Bloom's mane, "but Ah need to remember Ah'm lucky where it counts."

After supper, I beat Granny to the dishes, pretending not to notice the glare she focused on my neck for almost a minute. Gradually the dining room emptied of family, conversation shifting and softening as everypony moved to the sitting room. I joined them at length, the scent of suds clinging to my hooves.

I stepped over Apple Bloom where she sprawled on the rug doing her homework, and sank into the couch with a sigh. Mac sat on the other side of the couch with a thick book, stirring only to turn a page or brush his mane back out of his eyes. I made a mental note to give him a trim soon. None of us had been to see Buzz Cut for over a year; proper haircuts were just another luxury we couldn't afford.

Granny sat in her rocking chair, unraveling an old sweater of Apple Bloom's she'd grown out of. Everywhere I looked I just seemed to see the corners we were having to cut. And yet, there was no air of misery in the house. None of my kin were complaining. We were just spending a quiet evening indoors, content, pleased just to be in the same room together.

I shook my head. My brain seemed determined to find the shadow in even the most cheerfully-lit room. As I swung my head, I caught a glimpse of a familiar shape on the wall. My fiddle rested in a place of honor, supported by two carved hooks set in a plaque. It had been dusted recently, no doubt Granny's doing, since less vital chores like that had fallen by the wayside somewhat while she had been laid up.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd played. Was it a reunion? Surely it hadn't been that long ago. I thought about fetching it down, but something like an invisible hoof planted itself on me, gluing me to the couch. Apathy held me in place. I had a hundred reasons in an instant why I shouldn't bother trying to play. I would be rusty. Mac and Apple Bloom were occupied and I shouldn't distract them. I was relaxed and it seemed like such an effort to get up and grab the fiddle. Did I even like playing music anymore?

I could feel the passing whim to play fading. An image rose in my mind from a scene in a Daring Do book. The adventurous pegasus had lost some flight feathers in a fight with a manticore, and while traveling on hoof, had stumbled into a patch of sob sand. For those in a good mood, with a positive outlook, sob sand felt like solid ground. Anypony who was feeling dejected would sink, and Daring Do was having a really rotten day at that point. Not many who start sinking ever escaped, for who would start cheering up in a situation like that?

I remembered picturing her hoof straining towards the jungle canopy above, the last visible bit of her, before even that glimmer of hope sank beneath the sand. My spark of interest in something from my 'old' life felt like that, just then.

Fire flared inside me. It burned through the apathy, and what had felt like a massive hoof holding me down turned out to be nothing but a flimsy band. I found myself crossing the floor, taking down the fiddle and its bow, and standing on my hindlegs to tune up.

Mac and Apple Bloom looked up from their books. Granny didn't miss a beat with her yarn reclamation, but her wrinkled lips pulled up in a smile.

Satisfied it sounded like it ought to, I straightened up, propped the base against my neck, and stretched my foreleg out beneath its neck. Curling my leg around to reach the hoofboard, I felt my muscles relax into the pose. My body remembered the last time I'd played, even if I didn't. Bringing up the bow with my other hoof, I drew it across the strings, sawed back, walking the frog of my hoof along to coax the music I wanted from my old partner.

I started slow, working myself into the motions, letting the bright scratchy music beat out faster and faster. As heads started to bob and hooves tapped, I began to feel I had a fourth audience member. The house itself seemed to stop its groaning and creaking to listen to a sound long-absent from its rooms.

I played all the harder, bow whining across the strings, light flashing off polished wood. Intent on filling every corner in the house with music, I lost myself in the swell of it, and when Apple Bloom let loose with a “Yee-haw!” I couldn't help but answer with a wild whoop.

Bridging into a heavier melody with plenty of fast-paced bow work but not as many notes, I had the attention to spare to watch Apple Bloom scramble off and return with a little tambourine we'd made her for Hearth's Warming one year. Mac's hooves on the floorboards were as good as drums, and in no time we had most of a jamboree swinging away.

I faltered when Mac's drum rhythm broke apart, blinking at my brother. He glanced at his hooves, then back up at me before shaking his head. In the sudden silence, we heard the knock at the door clearly this time.

Setting the fiddle on the couch, I hurried over to the door and pulled it open.

“Sounded like a pahtee was goin' on in heah, and we just wondered if...” Tacks swept a foreleg across the doorstep, grinning and half-wincing at once.

“If it's a strictly family thing, we could just take some snacks and head back to the bahn,” Brass shrugged.

I snorted, and stepped aside. “T'weren't planned or nothin', and you're welcome to join us. Either of ya play an instrument?”

“Nah. Dey tried to teach us the recorder in school. Dad hid ours after our first night of practice.” Tacks laid a foreleg across her head. “A promisin' careah in music cut tragi-kully short!”

I smirked, nudging the giggling twins the rest of the way inside before closing the door. Before I could shut it, a pink hoof shot through the crack and pried it back open.

“I heard the word party! Well, pahtee, but close enough! I brought cupcakes!” Pinkie bounced on my doorstep so rapidly I wouldn't have been surprised to see the snow around her melting.

“Jest get in here, the draft ain't good for Granny.” I tugged Pinkie inside, but there was something tied to her. A rope of colored handkerchiefs? I pulled it too, until a rolling cart bumped into the door frame. It was piled four feet high with goods from Sugarcube Corner.

“Lands sakes. Mac, Brass, Tacks, help me get this stuff inside! Guess we've got snacks after all.”

Pinkie untied herself from the cart, and I took advantage of the momentary lapse in bouncing to give her a good squeeze. “S'good to see you sugarcube.”

“It's good to hear you playing your fiddle again!” Pinkie squeezed me tighter than was strictly comfortable, but I can't say I minded. There was no point in wondering how Pinkie had heard me playing. She'd heard the word 'party' from wherever in town she'd been, after all.

“Yeah, well, seems like with some things it's like pullin' a plow. It's hard as the dickens to get moving, but once it's in motion, it's not so bad to keep it goin'.”

“I think I heard Twilight talk about that once! She said it was monertia! Or was it inentum? Either way, I'm proud of you AJ.”

“Shut the door!” Granny barked.

* * *

A couple weeks later I was feeling more myself. Twilight and I had met with the mayor and secured the grant, and besides that, Mayor Mare had even started a public awareness campaign using posters around town to encourage ponies to eat more apples! 'As Ponyvillian as apple pie' wasn't a great slogan, but the artwork sure did look mouthwatering, and that was enough to bring in more hungry customers.

Carrot Top and I had gone to Canterlot to join the protest I'd helped organize, and somehow, I had indeed managed to convince over a hundred ponies to join me.

We assembled outside the Drafting House with our signs. Some ponies had slogans painted right on their bodies, but they had swiftly discovered the flaw in their plan; it meant they had to protest coat-less. A few royal guards had shown up, but when it was clear we were peaceful, only one remained to keep an eye on things. Lawmakers who came out to chastise us grew more violent than any of us did, but the encounter didn't end like I'd expected at all.

A familiar air-chariot swooped in from the sky, and a glimpse of tri-colored ethereal mane told me Princess Celestia had arrived. My stomach flip-flopped. Twilight had never received an answer back from the Princess about me, and I had watched her struggle to come to grips with what that could mean. I didn't know how that uncharacteristic silence might factor into this meeting.

Regal as ever, the princess stepped out of her chariot and made her way to the House steps, never hurrying but clearly purposeful. "Oak Gavel! Meticulous Minutes! Please bring me up to speed." Celestia beckoned to two ponies who had been facing off against us on the steps. They turned their noses up at us and approached the princess.

"Princess, these farmers are here to protest a tax scheduled to go into effect next year." Gavel turned his head to sneer at our group. "Apparently some ponies just aren't _civic_ -minded enough to know that taxes keep our government running."

Celestia shook out her billowing mane in what, if I didn't know her better, seemed like impatience. "Bring me the text of the tax, and the leader of this protest." She took a few steps closer to our group.

I trotted forward to meet her, ears flattened to my head.

"Applejack? Ah, that does make sense. I'm sorry you feel this new tax is unjust." Celestia's apologetic tone sounded genuine.

"It's certainly that, Princess. It's arbitrary, far too harsh, and arranged so that taxes you'd expect to be levied on bigger farms now fall on the next tier down instead, who simply can't afford 'em." I had a hard time looking Celestia in the eyes while I spoke, but I managed it, knowing I had to do all I could to impress on the princess how serious I was, how serious we _all_ were.

Meticulous Minutes returned with the revised tax code, and Celestia caught the papers in her magic to study them for a moment.

When she reached the table listing the tiers and the tax estimates, her eyes widened. "This—this is beyond onerous. I signed off on this?"

Celestia's incredulous tone forced the ears of the bureaucrats to flatten. "Well, it was part of another bill, if you'll recall, intended to provide war widows with proper compensation for—"

"I will review this, in-depth, with its architects." She glanced over the protesters, and lingered on me in particular. "It will not go into effect as-is, that I can state with confidence.”

A chorus of cheers went up from the farmers, and even the most dour protesters' weathered faces cracked smiles. The noise grew as word traveled backwards through the crowd.

“Thank you for drawing attention to this, my little ponies." The princess thrust the paperwork back at the bureaucrats simpering before her, then gestured them away with a hoof. She stepped closer to the building, and tossed her head, eye locked on mine, inviting me to follow.

Shrugging at the other farmers, I tipped my hat to the crowd and trotted after the diarch, my stomach trying to make up its mind whether or not to plummet into my hooves. Celestia led me into an empty office, and shut the door behind us with a gentle click.

Her horn lit with the slightest glow, and nearly faster than my eyes could track, a bright spherical grid of light exploded out from the princess, the silence of the spell at odds with its brilliance and complexity. I watched, eyes wide, as indecipherable characters of text and swirling rings of numbers pulsed into visibility between the threads of the grid. In seconds I felt like I was in the center of one of Twilight's astronomy lectures, if the notes had exploded into luminous flame when they reached the walls.

I was no stranger to magic after all I'd been through, even really flashy stuff thrown around by serious customers, but Celestia's effortless casting of such a fancy spell made everypony else look like amateurs. That's what thousands of years of study and practice got you, it seemed.

When every square inch of the room was ablaze with tightly-packed formulae, the spell vanished into the walls, floor, ceiling and door. I blinked, and shook my head. I'd thought the room was quiet before, but all noise from outside had just been cut off. My breathing seemed deafening.

The princess waved a hoof around the room. "For our privacy." She held my gaze long enough to be certain I understood how serious she was about keeping this conversation private, as if the jaw-dropping light show hadn't done the job. Whatever was coming was bound to be heavy stuff.

"I must beg your pardon for never responding to Twilight Sparkle concerning you and your problems, Applejack." Celestia bent her head, actually bowing before me until the tip of her horn nearly brushed the floor.

"N-no, Princess please!" I stretched out a hoof as if to force her head back up, but stopped well short, realizing how foolish that would be.

"Her concerns were all-too legitimate, and worse, I'm no stranger to depression myself. I have no excuse for my silence. I'm just...weary." Celestia shook her head, settling back on her haunches. She made the small office look comically tiny, everything in it dwarfed by her scale.

As grand as she was, once she had admitted her weariness, I could see the signs of it. Maybe she was allowing me to. Her wings sagged, and there were bags beneath her eyes, though somepony had used makeup to conceal them. Even her mane seemed to ripple more feebly than I remembered.

"Ah can imagine, Princess. It's fine. Ah know tons of ponies write you and come to you in person 'bout their problems every day."

Celestia shook her head, sending soft ripples through her ethereal mane. "While very true, that's not what I meant, dear Applejack. When I banished my sister Luna to the moon, I grieved for her, and for myself. I had a taste of depression then, but it wasn't for hundreds of years that the worst of it came upon me." Sadness touched her eyes and tugged at the corners of her mouth.

For just a second, I let myself try to imagine what a year, a dozen years, or a hundred years of what I'd felt in the past few months would be like. I couldn't get any kind of purchase on the idea. All I knew was that I wasn't strong enough to weather misery on that scale.

"Suffice it to say, I was thoroughly miserable, but often had to hide that fact in order to carry out my duties and maintain peace in Equestria."

My breathing grew shallow, mind still trying to process this. My heart felt like it had swelled too much to let my lungs expand fully. Even the princess had dealt with depression, and for so long, hiding it like I had.

"I should not complain however, for it is Luna who suffered most, and continues to suffer today." Celestia's head drooped again, but this time it was out of exhaustion. "Her sense of self-worth barely registers. A princess, invested with power nopony but I truly knows the scope of, co-ruler of the most peaceful and prosperous kingdom extant in our time, cannot be convinced she holds more value than a fleck of mud."

She rose as if to start pacing, found that a single step brought her to the opposite wall, and turned back towards me with a flick of her ear. "She raises and sets the very moon, tends the dreams of our subjects like a twilit garden, and seems to hate herself as much as Nightmare Moon ever hated me."

I found my mouth hanging open a little and snapped it shut. " _Luna_ thinks so little of herself? She's...she's Princess Luna, though!" Not a rock-headed apple farmer who almost ruined everything good in her life. I frowned, mentally built a brick cube around that hurtful thought, and reminded myself how well I'd been doing. If my mindscape had been a physical place, it would have been as crowded as downtown Manehattan with the little structures.

Celestia shut her eyes, and for just a flash, a fraction of a second, I thought I could see the hundreds and thousands of years that weighed on the princess. "She was also the pony that led a rebellion against me, dividing our kingdom into violently-warring factions, before I managed to banish her."

Oh. Right. "Kinda puts my self-loathing into perspective." I tried to make it a joke, making my tone light, but I couldn't meet the princess' eyes while I said it.

Celestia brushed my chin with a hoof, raising it, forcing my gaze back to hers. There was no getting away from her, no hiding in the tiny office. "We all have our struggles, Applejack, and measuring ours against another's is futile. That's a waste of time and energy we could be spending shoring each other up, instead."

I nodded, and stepped a bit closer, before daring to stretch a leg up to rest a hoof on Celestia's shoulder. Her coat was warm, like she'd just stepped inside from a noontime sunbath. "Ah have no idea what Ah can do for you Princess, but Ah'm glad to listen."

She nodded, her mane stretching out to brush my cheek. "I haven't slipped back into depression myself, but every day I endure Luna's tantrums and rants, or hear her sobbing in her room, I wonder how long I can be the cliff her sea of sorrow crashes upon."

"Shoot. Ah thought we made such good progress that Nightmare Night with her! It didn't go so well at first, true, but—"

Celestia smiled, but her lips trembled ever-so slightly, eyes bright, and shook her head. "Luna returned from that celebration pleased, but dwelt on the experience too long and hard. She drew wrong conclusions in the end. One was deciding she could only ever be loved as a boogiemare, not as her true self."

I cringed, ears shrinking back from the words. It would only be too easy to come away with that lesson, that night.

"I spend much of my energy caring for her, reassuring her, trying to drag her out of the morass she seems determined to remain in. When she doesn't allow me close enough for any of that, I'm left worrying about her." Celestia winced. "I'm afraid when Twilight wrote me about you, I destroyed the letter in a fit of pique."

"'Ah can't handle two at once,' somethin' along those lines?" I asked, nodding, hoping sympathy was coming through in my tone.

I had been wondering why Celestia was pouring her heart out to me like this. Now I thought I had part of the answer: guilt. She knew just how serious my problem was, but had been too wrapped up in her own pain to help. I couldn't muster any anger. I couldn't say I'd have done any better if my little sis had been lost in a depressive mire.

"You give me too much credit I'm afraid, Applejack. An alicorn I may be, but I am not flawless, and my temper can get away from me." She waved a hoof between us. "It actually did me good. Letting off some steam was of some benefit, after what I'd kept bottled up for so long." She shook her head. "Listen to me prattling on about my problems. How are you coping?"

I tapped my chin. "Well, Ah don't think of myself as poison anymore, so that's a step in the right direction. Ah'm on some medication that's helpin' me from falling into the deepest cracks. As for the farm, well, if we can get that tax repealed it would sure help a lot."

Celestia smiled her familiar, benevolent smile and prepared to speak but I raised a hoof and cut her off. Part of me shrieked. You're interrupting Princess Celestia? "Ah can't exactly ignore all you just told me though, Princess. D'you have a, uhh, royal counselor?"

Celestia pursed her lips and shook her head. "Not in the sense you mean, no. It would give ponies the wrong idea, and spread word of the diarchy's weakness if anypony knew my sister or I were seeing such a professional. We must cope on our own, making do with confidantes we keep close at hoof." She favored me with a wry little smile.

"Princess, don't get me wrong, Ah'm flattered. _Mah_ friends did what they could to help me, and one of them in particular _was_ helpful, but only because she—" Well, if Celestia couldn't keep a secret, who could, "—had experience with depression herself, but Ah really didn't start gettin' truly better till Ah saw a real psychologist who cared about me and mah outcome." I saw Celestia shaking her head, but I waved a hoof at her and pressed on.

"Ah know, appearances. You two can teleport anywhere you gosh-darn please, even better'n Twilight, right? Ah bet you can do fancier stuff than that too, like disguise yourselves, or hide entire rooms, who knows. The point is, you could sneak around with a doctor and nopony'd be the wiser, so long as the doc was honest."

"You must understand Applejack, the political impact of such a thing coming to light would take the rest of your lifetime to abate. It would shake my ponies' faith in my sister and me, and bring our enemies baying to our door. It's not a chance we can afford to take," Celestia sighed, rising to her hooves.

"Well...Ah hate to be pushy Princess, but can you afford _not_ to chance it?" I gestured behind me. "Ah nearly let mah farm fail while Ah was depressed. Ah wasn't thinkin' straight. Ah wasn't making good decisions. Ah had no faith in others to understand what Ah was goin' through, so Ah took it all on mahself, and buckled. Now it will take you a hay of a lot longer to buckle Ah reckon, but it will happen, or Luna will go first."

I spread my hooves to her in supplication. "Even if you two _do_ manage to sort things out on your own in the end, doesn't it make sense to use the tools in reach now to speed up the process?" My ears splayed to the sides. "You princesses likely have a different idea of scale and all, bein' immortal, but the sooner you're both at one-hundred percent the better it'll be for Equestria."

I took a deep breath to try and get past the fluttery feeling of panic welling up in my chest, then pointed in the direction of the protesters outside. "If you hadn't been distracted, worryin' about Luna, would this awful tax have made it past you?" I swallowed, the noise almost deafening in the sound-proofed room. This would have been hard if she'd been yards away, sitting on her throne, but she was close enough to touch. "D'you suppose that's the only lil oversight you've made lately? Can you promise it's the last?"

Celestia frowned, and I wondered if I'd just bought myself a lunar vacation. She stood stock-still in that tiny office, which I'd begun to discover was overheated, only her mane shifting and billowing in an intangible breeze.

"I suppose you may be right, Applejack. May I use you as my agent to arrange things with a suitable doctor?"

I blinked, and stammered, "A—Ah, of course, but uh,"

"Who better than the Element of Honesty to locate a doctor honest enough to preserve the privacy of royal clients?"

I swallowed, and found a voice in my head wondering if Doctor Love offered patients any sort of referral discount.


	9. Stunted Growth

Chapter Nine

Hearth's Warming was hard. Everypony was so excited, caught up in the spirit of the holiday, but it just couldn't quite find purchase in me. I stood in the bathroom before the mirror, listening to the faint tap of fat snowflakes whisked into the window. My reflection gazed back at me, and I didn't see any of the misery I'd been marinating in for so long. I didn't see any happiness either though, and the inside matched the outside.

Sure, there was some satisfaction that I was on the mend, and I was a lot more even-keeled than I had been in a long while. I'd gotten my stomach back for food, but I had been starting to wonder if my appetite for life, my _joy_ , had been burnt out of me during my darkest times. I'd asked Doctor Love about it.

_“Is it possible that...havin' been so low for so long, Ah'm just,_ _stuck_ lower now? Is this mah new normal?”

“Well, how have you been feeling? What is this new 'normal' as you see it?”

“Ah'm just...here. Existin'. Ah wouldn't even call it contented, 'cuz plainly Ah'm not, comin' round here and complaining to you about it.” I tried a wry grin, but it evaporated almost before the doctor noticed it.

“Ah'm not powerful sad, and that's great. But, even when Ah was at mah most depressed Ah could still feel _moments_ of joy. There were rays of sunshine, shootin' through all those dark and dismal clouds. Now the storm clouds're gone, but so is the sun.” I scowled. “Ah hate to keep usin' weather metaphors. Ah just know Rainbow would be grinnin' ear to ear if she was here, but now it's like there's just this mess of fog covering mah life. No real darkness, no real light.”

Doctor Love nodded. “The medications you're on can have this effect.” She lifted her hooves and brought them towards each other in a couple of jerky motions. “They shrink your emotional range. You don't have the deep, crushing lows, but you don't have the soaring, dizzy highs either.”

I shook my head. “Ah haven't even had a climb-on-a-stool high since Ah started takin' these pills.”

She reached over to scribble a note on a pad of paper, and peeled it off before hoofing it over. “See Doctor Equipoise this week, and see about getting your medication changed. I don't think such a drastic side effect is what any of us is looking for. We'll have to step you down from your current medications slowly, so try and be patient, and trust that we _will_ strike upon the right solution in time, okay?”

I gusted out a sigh, and nodded. “Ah'm just glad this ain't...how it's gonna be from now on. It's, well, it's not as bad but Ah wouldn't want to live this way.”

I eyed my reflection, then took my evening dose of medication, half-strength like my psychiatrist directed when I saw him. “Just hang on, girl. The sun'll break through in time.”

I made my way downstairs, and waded into what seemed like a milling mob of ponies. Brass, Tacks, Pinkie, the Cakes and their twins of course, were here for Hearth's Warming Eve dinner, along with my kin. Pausing on the bottom step, I watched Apple Bloom seat herself in front of the couch to pull funny faces for Pound and Pumpkin Cake, who rewarded her with gurgling laughter. Brass watched with an uneasy expression, while Tacks seemed more curious about the foals.

Pinkie bounced into the sitting room and froze, head whipping between the foals and out-of-towners. “Oh. My. Gosh. I just realized! You're both twinses! There are _four twins_ in the house!”

I didn't stay to hear Pinkie ramble and squeal, but snuck through to the kitchen. There was something nice-smelling baking in there so often it took a lot to get my nose riled up, but a Hearth's Warming feast was just the ticket. Granny and Mac were stirring pots and kneading dough, unhurried and calm. Having the Cakes handle dessert this year had taken a lot off their hooves, but judging from the spread I could see in the dining room beyond, my kin hadn't slacked a bit.

“What can I do to help, y'all? Need any more wood? Do we have enough chairs?” I stuck my head into the dining room to count, only to knock heads with Carrot as he tried to enter the kitchen.

“S-sorry Carrot, nngh.” I backed up and sat down, rubbing my head, while the lanky stallion did much the same.

“Jackie, whyn't you just keep that overgrown pink parasprite outta here till supper time, mm?” Granny rubbed a wrinkled foreleg along my shoulders. “We've got it buttoned down tighter than Mac's good shirt.”

Macintosh snorted. I saw him hunch in on himself out of the corner of my eye, his ears going flat. I groped inside myself for the twinge that should've been there, and came up empty. My eyes drifted down to the worn floorboards.

Cup Cake appeared and helped Carrot up. “You would be doing us a favor, hon. If you can keep Pinkie distracted, more of the food will actually make it to the table intact!”

I waved a hoof at them all before turning to go. “Alright, alright. Pinkie patrol it is.” I slipped back into the sitting room to find Pinkie had seated Brass next to Pound Cake and Tacks with Pumpkin Cake. Pinkie brandished a feather duster, eying one mixed pair of twins, then the other. Apple Bloom was standing nearby with a pencil and a sheet of paper. Her expression shifted between bemused and uneasy, tending towards the latter the closer that feather duster approached.

“So, what's goin' on in here then? Doin' a little dusting, Pinkie?”

Pinkie shushed me, and pointed at the mixed twins. “You know how one twin is supposed to know what the other is thinking or feeling, no matter how far apart they are? I'm trying to figure out if different pairs of twins can communicate telepathically too, not just with each other. If I tickle one of each pair, and the others start laughing, then eureka!” Pinkie grasped my shoulders, jamming her nose against mine, her eyes filling my field of vision. "AJ! If it works over long distances, do you know what this means? This could replace the telegram! We could call it the ticklegram!"

I stared at my own reflection in Pinkie's eyes, before a sideways glance revealed both Manehattan natives were shooting me pleading looks. “Pinkie, that's excitin', but why don't we, uh, warm up first with some jokes?”

She gasped, and in a blur of motion, all six ponies present aside from myself were jammed onto the couch with Pinkie in the middle. Brass' eyes spun in their sockets. “I love jokes! Gimme your best shot, Applejack!”

I shuffled over to stand before the couch and cleared my throat. “Uh, lessee. Why wouldn't the mama and papa tree let the sapling play in the pool?”

“Why?” Pinkie screeched, bouncing on the couch. The foals in her lap took up the screeching with gusto.

“Because the sapling forgot its swimming trunk!”

Apple Bloom, Brass, and Tacks groaned, while Pinkie sagged backwards in a giggle fit.

“AB, why don't you tell us one?” I waved her forward, and smirked as she struggled to unwedge herself from beside Tacks. I opted to sit in front of the couch rather than try to wedge myself in.

“Uhhh, how do you make an apple turnover?”

Pinkie blinked, opened her mouth to respond, then thought better of it and just squealed, “How?”

“Roll it downhill!” Apple Bloom beamed, taking the groans and giggles alike as her due.

Thankfully we were spared any further comic relief. Carrot trotted in, sweeping the room with his broad smile. “Everyone up to the table! Supper's ready. I'll take the twins, Pinkie.”

“All four of them?” she giggled, popping off the couch and depositing the foals on Carrot's back on her way to the dining room.

Brass and Tacks filed after, shaking their heads and laughing. Tacks gave me a slap on the foreshoulder as she passed. “She's somethin' awright. Kinda scary still, but a lotta fun.”

“That she is, sugar. She's somethin' special.” I followed the rest of them through and took the last spot at the table.

Roasted root vegetables tossed with herbs and butter, mashed sweet potatoes, cranberry jam, buttermilk biscuits, peanut stew, winter-bloom salad, and fried onion 'smiles' made the table creak. There wasn't an inch of room on the sideboards against the wall either, where the desserts waited. We had to keep the pitchers of water, cider, and milk on the floor when they weren't being passed around.

Granny cleared her throat and barely staved off a coughing fit. “Ahem. Mm. T'night our home is lit by the glow of friendship, an' the fire in our hearth burns with the warmth of love.”

I let the familiar words of the traditional blessing wash over me, conjuring up shreds of memory from years past. My heart refused to warm in response, dull and unmoved. I strained to squeeze out just a drop of merriment or nostalgia, but it was if all the feeling parts of me were packed away in a box, like the ones we'd fetched down from the loft last week full of decorations.

I used to love opening those boxes, rediscovering family heirlooms and seeing what stories Apple Bloom remembered about this or that bauble and keepsake. This year Granny did all the reminiscing, and I just listened, like I did now, waiting for something to move me. I fought to keep a grimace off my face.

Gran smiled, letting her eyes roam around the faces turned her way, meeting the gaze of young and old, friends and family. “We've but to look 'round this old table t'night to know in our bones that we're a dang lucky buncha ponies. The Sisters've smiled upon us in ways few can claim, and Ah raise a cup to 'em.” She followed words with action, hoisting a mug of cider with a shaky hoof.

“It's not just the royals in a shiny palace Ah'm grateful fer t'night though, or even mah good friends and precious kin. Ah'm grateful fer life. Seems Ah have a few harvests yet to enjoy it!” Granny crowed, winking. Her voice gentled. “And Ah'm grateful Jackie's gotten her tail outta the dust. You make all our lives richer, and nopony's put more tears and sweat into this farm than you, Applejack.”

The chorus of voices that answered her and the smiles that turned my way lit fires in my cheeks. Pinkie wrapped her forelegs around my neck, hugging me tight. I embraced her back, and angled out of our chairs, we leaned into each other a long moment, taking each other's weight.

Granny hoisted her flagging mug again. "You done good, brussel sprout! We'll see the fruits of all your labor soon, and the pies'll taste all the sweeter'n the cider'll have twice the kick, fer it!"

A murmur and a round of nods went around the table. Pinkie and I broke our hug to grab our drinks again. I bumped my mug into the rest, and tossed back a cool mouthful of cider. Maybe getting a little tipsy would unwind me a bit.

Tacks' chair scraped the floor as she stood, and Brass followed suit a second later, their mugs rising. "We have a lil announcement to share, t'night. I was gonna wait for dessert but I'm just too excited!" She grinned, ears standing tall.

Brass leaned across the table towards Mac, Granny and me, almost upsetting a bowl of biscuits. "We've got our shop! We'ah movin' out!"

Congratulations flew thick and fast, and I'm sure mine were among them, but I was focused on a feeling, the first thing I'd felt deeply that night. An icicle of pain, of loneliness pierced me as I realized Tacks would be leaving our little household. A collection of images cascaded through me in a split-second, crowding my awareness until I sensed nothing else: the twins that first night at the dinner table, shrinking back from Pinkie. Tacks in the kitchen, listening to my story, the crisp scent of cut apples in my nose. Both of them damp with sweat, breath gusting out in great clouds as we labored together in the orchard, racing the sun day after day. The two of them bent over trimmed leather scraps, trying to stitch together show-pieces with cold-numbed hooves in the living room, when I was reluctant to toss another log on the fire before bed. Tacks' face in the infested orchard, just before I fled from them.

I pushed my chair back and stood. I felt the tug to flee again. But seeing the elation on Tacks' face, watching everypony around them share it, I felt a tug in that direction too. Before I knew it, I'd circled around behind her chair, and reared up to wrap my forelegs around her, resting my chin on Tacks' shoulder.

"Ah'm proud of you, sugar. Ah'll miss you somethin' fierce, but you go and cobble till there ain't a pony in town with bare hooves."

Tacks stroked one of my encircling legs, and leaned her cheek into mine. "Dis ain't goodbye, AJ. I'm not gonna forget what you did for us. What you all did for us." She twined a leg in with mine and squeezed me. "You took Brass and me in outta da cold, and I just hope I did a little to return the favah. Mare as warm as you? She don't deserve to be stuck out in da dark'n cold."

I stepped back as she shifted, turning about to look me in the eyes. "Dis is where you belong." Resolve stamped every one of her words, and she held my gaze as she gripped my hooves.

I swallowed, my throat thick. The fur at the corners of my eyes was hot and damp. "Ah get it." She knew who'd put me out in the cold.

"Heeeey, I got a lightbulb. Why don't you set up your cart near our shop, AJ? We wouldn't say no to more traffic near our door," Brass grinned.

Tacks beat me to it, and flung a glob of mashed potatoes at her brother. It smacked right into his nose.

"Enh, we'll talk aboud it," he mumbled, between attempts to swipe the potatoes away with his tongue.

It wasn't a huge shift, but it tipped the scales. The fog had parted enough to let a ray of sunlight in.

After dinner, we bundled Granny up from her hooves to her nose before taking her by cart to the hospital, where the other girls were waiting for us.

We were only missing one pony. Well, one pony and a baby dragon. We were only waiting a minute or two, when in a flash of light, the pair in question appeared.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, everypony! Shiny insisted on one last round of steal the haybacon. Are you all ready for some caroling?" Twilight grinned, and easily roused a cheer from us all.

Spike looked a bit sleepy, but he had a wagon full of cocoa for us. Twilight used her magic to float a stack of music sheets from Spike's wagon, before passing them out. "I polled a random assortment of Ponyvillians on their favorite carols to obtain these titles, and organized them so the less popular choices are sprinkled throughout."

"How thoughtful of you Twilight, though I'm sure the patients will be happy no matter what we sing. Provided we're on key, of course." Rarity flipped through the pages in her booklet, raising a brow. "...Twilight darling, what 'random assortment' of ponies did you poll, precisely?"

I peered at my own booklet. Titles like 'Groaning Tables, Happy Hearts' and 'Horse Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,' dominated. "These're all the carols dealin' with harvests, feasts, and holiday treats, Twi."

Twilight flipped through her own book, teeth slowly edging over her lower lip. After a moment, she groaned. "I polled ponies as they were leaving the library on their way to lunch!"

Our group dissolved into giggles, and though she was weathering a deep blush, Twilight couldn't help but join in.

"Oh, fish biscuits!" Pinkie stomped a snowy boot. "You all go ahead and start! I forgot the Hearth's Warming cookies I made to pass out!" Pinkie bounced off, leaving her music booklet draped over Fluttershy's back.

We trotted single-file into the hospital, where the receptionist greeted us with a smile. "They're waiting for you in the cafeteria. Nurse Redheart will--"

Nurse Redheart burst through a swinging door. "Come on, come on! It's getting late!" She herded us all across the lobby, down a hallway.

A few twists and turns later, and we found the doors to the cafeteria propped open. There were over a dozen patients seated or resting in beds, and the way their eyes lit up alone made the trip out worth it. I was one of the first to get in position, and I had time to look over our little audience. I saw casts, hardly unusual in slip-and-fall season. A couple elderly ponies were trying hard to suppress bad coughs, and I glanced over to be sure Granny wasn't front and center, catching more germs. There was a colt watching, one of Apple Bloom's classmates, with his parents right there with him of course. What was his name? Tumble? And there were a couple of ponies who didn't seem to have anything obvious wrong with them. My eyes lingered on them.

One was a pegasus mare, probably a weather team member, and she was in rather sorry shape. Her wings looked like they hadn't been preened properly in days, and her mane had been cut unusually short. She watched us passively, and though she sat with the rest of the group, she didn't seem like part of it. Certainly there were only other patients near her, no friends or family.

The other odd pony out was a stallion who smiled vaguely at us, and didn't seem to be tracking anything or anypony very well. I suppressed a shiver. Whatever was wrong that required medication strong enough to do that to a stallion wasn't anything I wanted to experience, ever.

I jumped as Rarity began singing, and whipped up my booklet to catch up. We really hadn't practiced, but we were happy by and large, and at least some of us had some real skill. I saw ponies swaying, their smiles growing, and let my volume grow with my confidence. The fast-paced, bouncy carol was a great starting number.

_Outside the winds are howling, all the hills are covered with snow._   
_But inside we're all dancing, eyes shining in the fire's warm glow._   
_We've made mistakes, there was anger and hate,_   
_But we shook it off! That was never our fate!_

_Tonight our tables groan,_   
_We need never be alone,_   
_When we all do our part_   
_We make room for a happy heart._

Pinkie skipped in when we started the second verse, singing along and moving with the tune like it was all rehearsed. Nurse Redheart stumbled beside her and made sure the treats Pinkie was hoofing out wouldn't do the patients any more harm. When she'd finished spreading her sugary cheer, she stuffed herself into place beside me, and belted out the chorus again.

The bedraggled pegasus patient actually winced over the words 'happy heart.'

We ran through half-a-dozen carols before some of the patients began showing signs of fatigue. Rarity stepped out in front of our group with the closing bars, and made a gesture that was plain enough. We were done for tonight. Twilight collected our booklets while the patients did their best to muster what applause they could with bandaged and weakened limbs.

Nurse Redheart pushed a cart towards us, careful not to let the punch in the bowl atop it slop over. "Thank you everypony! If you have the time, stay a bit longer and enjoy some punch with us? I know I'd be parched after that lovely concert!"

Rarity and Twilight helped distribute the punch, and our group soon spread out, chatting with the patients and each other. I nudged Rainbow Dash after she'd taken a good slug of punch to soothe her throat.

"Hey Rainbow, d'you know that pegasus over on the left?"

"Huh? Oh! That's Cirrus Swirl. She's been on maternity leave for months. She looks pretty out of it, huh?" Rainbow frowned. "But, uh, thin. I wonder where the--" I could almost hear the connection falling into place in her head. Her pupils shrank.

"We...we don't know anythin' fer sure, Rainbow. All the same, Ah'm gonna go talk to her. This ain't a night to be alone, in a crowd or otherwise." I set my empty cup on the cart so I could pat Rainbow's shoulder, and eventually got a shaky nod out of her.

I found myself walking straight towards Cirrus Swirl with no plan in mind. I noticed Pinkie out of the corner of my eye. Had she been heading for Cirrus too? She made a course correction when she saw where I was headed, pivoting to make for the colt instead, bouncing all the way.

I stopped before her chair. There was a greeting card in her lap, peeking from its torn envelope, the edges already twisted and bent from being held. "Uh, Miss Swirl? Ah don't wanna be a bother, but it didn't look like you were gettin' much out of the entertainment t'night. Ah'm Applejack. D'you know who Ah am?"

Cirrus frowned, lifting her gaze from her lap to meet mine. "Yes." Everything about her screamed 'go away,' but I couldn't. Not before I'd said my piece.

"Cirrus, if you know of me, you might know Ah've been in a dark place for a spell. Mah whole life seemed to be crumbling out from beneath mah hooves. Ah was cavin' in, but hidin' it from everypony, and it almost got me and mah best friends killed. It took that much of a shock to get me to accept any help." I sat back on my haunches, still weathering Cirrus' stony gaze. "Ah dunno what yer goin' through right now. Ah dunno what happened. Ah just know Ah don't want anypony to have to go through anything close to what Ah did without a friend in their corner."

Cirrus snorted, turning her head, fixing the wall with her glare instead. She sniffed once, then again.

"Mah friends are great. They want the best for me, but only one of them had any idea what Ah was goin' through. It made all the difference in the world, havin' a...native guide to help me through the dark places. Ah know we just met. You don't know anythin' more 'bout me than what you've heard, and Ah know next to nothin' 'bout you. But ya seem to be hurtin' and Ah wanna help."

"Just go. Go. I don't--it's not even worth the effort to reach out. You won't understand. You can't." Cirrus slumped in her seat, folding her arms and wings around herself, tears shining at the corners of her eyes.

"You feel like nothin'll ever be right again. All the stuff that was right in the past doesn't matter anymore. Folks're askin' more of you than you can give right now. You dunno if you'll ever be ready to do what they want you to. The shame of disappointin' your family, your friends, the doctors all just feeds back into your misery. Am Ah anywhere close?"

Cirrus nodded, just barely at first, then harder and harder until she was rocking bodily in her chair. "Yessss."

"Ah'm here, Cirrus." I rubbed her shoulder through the thin hospital gown. The feel of the material brought back a whole slew of unpleasant memories. "Ah know Ah'm just a stranger, but Ah'm one with a clue, and ears. Talk to me if ya can."

She shook her head, but it didn't seem like a refusal this time. I sat with her long minutes, and I tried not to pay any mind to the activity going on around us. Her words were slow to come, trickling out. "I had a foal," she mumbled, tears falling fast and dotting her gown. "I wanted one. _We_ wanted one. We tried for months to get pregnant. When she was born...I felt nothing for her. She was a stranger! She cried whenever I held her. The nurses and Scudder had to hold her! Even after we got her home, she was just a—a _chore_ , a squalling messy chore! I started getting so angry..." She clapped a hoof to her mouth, only half-muffling her croaking sob.

I slid my hoof up between her shoulder blades, and leaned toward her. She threw herself against me and wept into my neck, clinging tight. I could hear hooves on tiles, then a whispered exchange. The hooves retreated after a moment.

I stroked Cirrus' back, not the easiest of tasks with wings to be mindful of. Pegasi were awfully particular about their wings being touched at the best of times. "Cirrus, what've the doctors told you about this? Have they told you this happens sometimes?"

She hiccupped. "Yeah. They have."

"Ah know you can't see it now, the future may as well be invisible when you're down in the cracks, but doesn't it seem like you could get to know her? Heh, newborn foals ain't the best for first impressions, if you get mah drift."

Cirrus shook against me. "N-no. I'll never get to see her again."

A very dark thought squirted into my brain like a cloud of ink. She couldn't have though. She'd be in jail, not the hospital, if... "What d'you mean, Cirrus?"

"Scudder left me, and took Wisp with him. I signed all the papers he put in front of me. I-it seemed best..." Her arms tightened around me, and I knew I'd have bruises in the morning.

Hatred fountained up inside me. I wanted to buck a stallion I'd never met through a wall. "Scudder did you wrong, Cirrus. He didn't support you in your time of need. It was a tough situation for all three of you, but that wasn't the right solution for anypony." I had to pry myself out of her embrace to push Cirrus back enough to look her in the eyes. "If you want to be in your foal's life, Ah will do what Ah can to make sure that happens. Mah friends will be glad to help."

Cirrus' face crumpled. "Why should I force myself into that poor filly's life? She doesn't deserve-"

"To what? To have a ma? If you truly don't want to, that's one thing Cirrus, but don't go tossin' up barriers for yourself made of nothin' but the lies your messed-up brain is churnin' out right now." I tapped the side of her head, making her wince. "Yer your own worst enemy right now, and as soon as you get that, the fight gets easier."

A foreleg brushed against my side, and I turned to see Rainbow Dash glancing between us two. "H-hi Cirrus. It's good to see you. I didn't want to interrupt, but we can't hold Redheart off any longer. She needs to get everypony back to their rooms."

Cirrus and I released each other's arms. She slipped out of her chair, one arm clutching her card to her chest, the other hoof pinching at her gown. "Thanks Applejack. Visiting hours are...I don't know, but if you ask, if you wanted,"

"Ah know the hours, believe me. Ah'll be back. When you're ready Ah can even bring some other visitors." I waved a hoof at Rainbow, who shot her as convincing a grin as she could manage.

"...When I'm ready, sure. Good night." She waved a wing, then joined the group of patients being led off into the halls of the hospital.

Pinkie, abruptly on my right, offered me another cup of punch. "Punch is like pain."

After I recovered from her materialization, I took the punch and downed it in a single gulp. "How's that now?"

"It's halved when shared! Also when you are punched I guess that's pain but that's not-"

"Thanks Pinkie, I get it." I threw an arm around her neck and squeezed her in close.

Rainbow cleared her throat, fluttered into the air and made a quick circuit of the cafeteria. "Are there any of those cookies left?"

* * *

I caught Rainbow's scent before I saw her. That might sound strange to a pegasus or a unicorn, but earth ponies have right-powerful senses of smell, and I like to think us Apples have especially good noses. Rain, feathery down with the tiniest pinch of sun-warmed dust, and a dab of grease from the hay fries she'd grabbed for lunch. Sometimes there was a whiff of ozone if she'd been out working with lightning, and after pulling off a sonic rainboom there was an especially strong splash of spice. My eyes watered a bit just thinking about it.

“AJ, hey! Um, you up to much right now?” She backwinged ahead of me, keeping pace with my trot, making it look effortless.

“Ah'm...on an errand, yep. Good flyin' weather t'day, huh?” I tossed my head up at the cloudless sky, the blue so electric it was practically offensive.

Rainbow polished a hoof on her chest. “Heh, yeah, I might just have had a little something to do with that.” She plunged out of the sky to plant herself in the road before me. “How about a race, huh? I've been flying alllllll day! I could stand to stretch my legs a little.”

I stopped myself from dragging a hoof across my face. How did she do it? How did Rainbow manage to pick the worst possible times to reach out to me? I derailed that train of thought and checked it. Were they really the worst times? What would be a better time, Applejack? When I wasn't doing something that made me feel like garbage, Ms. Apple. But that's what she wants to help with. She wants to help you feel better, plus she misses her best friend. It isn't as if you've been reaching out, yourself.

A third voice pried its way into my head, seeping out from the coffin I'd nailed it into with intense work and Dr. Love's help. Would Rainbow Dash still _be_ my best friend after seeing what errand I was running?

I shook off the oily whisper. “Alright Rainbow. We're off to Fluttershy's. First to cross her footbridge wins. An' if yer wings really could use a break, mind you don't use 'em!”

Rainbow smirked, turning about and crouching in a starting stance. I jammed my hat down harder upon my head and took my place beside her.

“Ready, set, go!” By the time I'd finished pronouncing the g and moved on to the o, Rainbow had torn away down the road, but I'd been expecting that. Already on the move, I pumped my legs, watching our eight hooves kick up dust and gravel to create a low cloud.

Warmth seeped its way through my muscles, and I worked out my pace and timing, minimizing the jarring of my hoof falls and finding my stride. Rainbow was ahead by a couple of lengths already, and she swung her head back to give me a peek at her tongue tip.

My eyes narrowed, and I urged my legs on, despite the heaviness in my lungs. “Ah'm surprised yer doin' this well, Dash! Without someone to sharpen yerself against, Ah figured you'd have slipped a bunch.”

Rainbow Dash snorted, tossing her mane out of her eyes. “Not likely! Or maybe I _have_ slipped, and you're just _that_ out of shape, Applelump!”

I huffed, taking deeper breaths to keep my straining muscles fed. We swung to one side of the road to avoid a deep green pony pulling a cart of lumber. Our breath drifted up in faint clouds. “Not—everypony—has the luxury—of trainin' time, Dash!”

Rainbow turned just enough to glare at me. “Now don't you start making excuses! My iron pony rival, Applejack, doesn't do that! She takes defeat if it comes and gets stronger. Every win? It's all hers 'cuz she worked for it!” She slowed to within a length, and the gap between us continued to shrink, but before I could accuse her of going easy on me she whipped me in the face with her tail.

“Don't wanna taste tail? Then get _up_ here!”

I growled, muscles bunching, hooves shoving me off the earth, sending me hurtling down the road after Rainbow. Sweat flecked my coat, and a few damp strands of mane worked themselves free of my ponytail to tickle my face, caught in my eyelashes. “Ah'm not—the same pony Ah used to be. Ah'm still tryin' to, phew, get there, Dash. Ah—Ah dunno if Ah ever _will_ be the AJ you remember!”

Dash had pulled ahead a little more, but she wasn't able to get back the full two lengths she'd managed earlier. When she glanced back again, she wore a grin I knew well. Cocky, determined, but full of the adrenaline-laced thrill that came with competing against an equal. “Depressed Applejack, slug-a-bed Applejack, slow and fat Applejack, you're still buckin' _Applejack_! Still my friend!”

Loyalty. That magic necklace didn't mean a thing in the long run; Element or not she was and always would be the very soul of loyalty. A friend like Rainbow was the real treasure. The lump in my throat grew bigger as Fluttershy's cottage appeared on the horizon, slivers of it visible through the trees. If there was anyone more loyal to me than Rainbow Dash, it was Winona. Look where that got her.

With the footbridge in sight, we stopped talking and put our all into one last sprint. Birds took flight, small critters tripped over themselves in their rush to get away, and even larger animals recoiled as we pounded across the tiny bridge and collapsed into the grass on the side of the path.

“Good...good race. I haven't had anypony to hoof race in so long,” Rainbow panted, fanning herself with one wing.

“Who,” I groaned, rolling onto my side and rubbing my hindlegs, “won? Ah wasn't payin' attention there at the end.”

“I did, of course. But you were close! If only you were a pegasus,” she groused, pulling up a few blades of grass and watching them fall.

“Would Ah still be Applejack as a pegasus?”

“Of course! You'd just be more awesome. And faster! And...not as strong. And not as good at growing stuff. And—eh, forget it. You're right.”

I sighed, and rolled to my hooves. “C'mon Rainbow Dash. Fun's over.” I made my way down the rest of the path to Fluttershy's door, while Rainbow fluttered behind.

“Why are we here, anyways?”

“To see a sick friend.” I knocked on the door, using about a quarter of the force I would for anypony else's home. It didn't take long for a response.

“W-who is it?” Fluttershy's voice barely penetrated the still firmly-shut door.

“Applejack and Rainbow Dash, hon.”

The door opened immediately, revealing a smiling Fluttershy. She stood aside for us, waving us in. “Oh, come in! It's still a bit chilly out there.”

I managed not to smile as her nose wrinkled the tiniest bit as we passed. We _had_ worked up quite the lather on the way here. “How's she doin', sugarcube?”

“Oh, _much_ better. I think she'll be ready to come home very soon now. I let her out just a little while ago to rest behind the cottage. I'll go get her.”

Rainbow glanced around the living room, giving every sign of boredom. A bluebird poked its head out of one of the many birdhouses lining the wall, eying her. Rainbow Dash squinted back at the bird. “So what happened? Did one of your pigs get sick or something?”

“No. That would've been bad enough, but...this was much worse. Ah've been too ashamed to tell many ponies about what happened.” I slipped my hat from my head, holding it over my chest.

I had Rainbow's full attention now. “Huh? Applejack, what happened? Who...?”

Fluttershy nudged open the door, the familiar rhythm of canine panting preceding her. “Here she is! Look Winona, look who it is!”

Winona's joyous yelp was so fierce it broke off into a squeak, but Fluttershy was ready for her reaction, and forcibly restrained my pet, keeping her from transforming into an airborne doggy missile. I crossed the living room and knelt down for her, receiving the tongue-lashing of my life. The cast around her hindleg was decorated with cupcakes, sprinkles, and a poem about bones, thanks to Pinkie Pie.

“Winona's still hurt? Wasn't that like, from before that thing at town hall? Geez, what happened to her?” Rainbow sagged onto the couch, her brows furrowed.

A dozen responses spun through my head. I rejected them all and opted for the blunt truth. “Ah neglected her. Don't matter much that Ah never meant to. It happened. She was mah responsibility, and Ah failed her.” I bent down, resting my forehead between her ears. “When she couldn't get the food she needed at home, she went huntin', and broke her leg real bad. Ah found her alone and hurtin' in the snow. If...if Ah'd forgotten to feed her _that_ day too, she'd be...” My eyes flooded.

Rainbow made a choking sound. “How? How could you? I mean sure, sometimes I forget to feed Tank, but he makes sure I know it! Winona _must_ have whined up a storm! She must have begged after you like crazy every time you ate outside! And you still...?” Her stream of furious words choked off into silence, and I knew without looking she'd be changing color.

“Ah had so much on my plate, Ah couldn't remember to fill her bowl. Sometimes, afterwards, all Ah could think was how lucky it was Ah wasn't raising a foal. Or that Ah didn't live alone. Would Ah have forgotten to feed mahself too?”

A lot of the wind went out of Rainbow's sails. “Y-yeah. It could have been worse.” She shuddered. “A lot worse.”

Fluttershy crouched down beside us both, wings spread to shelter pony and pet alike. “Applejack, I know you didn't mean to do that, and I know you won't let it happen again. Winona knows it too.”

“Ah just... Ah feel like Winona is the perfect reminder of how much this stupid depression has hurt ponies besides me. It hurt me, then it hurt mah family, and it just spread out and out!” I lifted my head, staring at Fluttershy and Rainbow in turn. “For all Ah know Ah've hurt both of you too, and you just haven't told me, outta fear of burdenin' me with it. Ah _know_ Ah said nasty things to you Rainbow.”

I swiped tears from my eyes, and settled on my haunches, letting Winona curl up against me. “It was easier to push you away than to let you get close and help me." I stroked Winona's back, and couldn't help but notice her fur was softer and glossier than it had ever been when she'd lived on my farm. "From the very beginning of all this...I've rewarded yer loyalty with nothin'.”

Rainbow Dash nodded slowly, folding her forelegs around herself. “Yeah. Yeah, I kinda noticed. Not...not that I was really any use to you, but I would've liked to _try_ AJ.”

I wasn't shocked by the bitterness in her voice, but the target surprised me. Rainbow Dash wasn't looking at me when her tone grew so harsh. I thought of how awkward she'd been during the moments the girls were all there for me. I thought of Cirrus. “Ah know, Rainbow. Ah'm sorry. Ah don't even know how much Ah can blame the depression for mah muddled thinking there. You deserved a lot more credit than Ah gave you, and yer not givin' yerself enough credit, neither.” I watched her meet my eyes again. “Y'shouldn't be afraid to reach out to yer friends. Y'might...feel helpless, but we aren't askin' you to whisk away all our problems.”

Fluttershy nodded, rising to claim a spot on the couch beside Rainbow. “Just because you're not a doctor doesn't mean you can't help Applejack. You don't need to have read a stack of books like Twilight." She watched Rainbow turn her head away, cheeks starting to flush. Fluttershy's eyes fell.

After a few awkward seconds, Fluttershy slid a foreleg around Rainbow's shoulders, managing even when Rainbow stiffened. "All you have to do is listen, and be there. If you really listen, you'll figure out what Applejack's telling you, even when she can't bring herself to say anything.”

Fluttershy smiled, lifting her free hoof. The bluebird who'd inspected Rainbow earlier flew over to alight on her arm. “When I was learning how to speak with my animal friends, I had to learn how to pay very close attention to all the things they were saying without making a sound. Ponies use body language too, but...they aren't very consistent about it. They s-sometimes even send mixed signals.” She glanced in the direction of town through a window, and let a soft sigh escape.

“Ah don't want to put it all on you though, Dash. Ah'm tryin' to get better about expressin' what Ah need, even if it sounds...stupid, or embarrassing. It's harder around you 'cuz yer a...a...”

“Tough-mare?” Rainbow hiked a brow, a weak smile passing across her face. “Like you aren't, Applejack. If you can bring yourself to spit it out, I promise not to make fun of you for it.”

I pushed down the voice that muttered about the odds on how long Rainbow could keep that promise, and smiled at her, while I tousled Winona's ears. "Thank you sugarcube. M'sorry Ah didn't tell you sooner about Winona."

"I can kinda understand why you didn't, I guess. Of course I'd react...like I did, and you needed that about as much as I need holes in my wings." Rainbow untangled herself from Fluttershy, though she didn't abandon her friend on the couch without giving her hoof a squeeze.

Rainbow joined me on the floor, and we spent a good hour playing with our favorite pup. I thought having her back at the house might hurt, seeing a constant reminder of my failure, but her familiar head-tilts and the feel of her tongue on my coat convinced me her homecoming would be nothing other than another step in the healing process.


	10. Budding Hope

Chapter Ten

Spring had arrived, winter was wrapped up, and it was planting time at Sweet Apple Acres. Mac, Apple Bloom and I were loading a cart with saplings, bound for the west orchard.

I tossed another bundled-up sapling into the wagon. "Plenty of holes to fill over there. See if you can make that one fit, Apple Bloom."

Apple Bloom nudged it into a rank with the rest, making the best use of the space. "We'll have more apples than ever this year, now that we can get at the western orchard again!"

"Eeeyup." Mac avoided eye contact, settling himself into the wagon harness to wait for us to finish loading him up.

I tried to remember what I might have forgotten to do today that would have him sullen towards me again, before I realized Apple Bloom was peering at me, ears perked.

"Well, we'll get more out of it in a couple of years, once these young'ns are grown up. Ready to go put 'em in their new home, sis?" I closed and latched the wagon's rear gate, giving it a tap with my hoof to send Mac on his way.

Apple Bloom grinned, peeking up from the miniature forest of saplings, filly and trees swaying in tandem with the wagon's movement. "Sure am. Welcome to the family, lil trees!"

I watched them roll away for a moment, then headed towards the pump for a drink. I could catch up with them easily enough.

Winona barked and bounded along beside the cart for a moment, then wheeled and raced back to me, weaving between my legs. “Heh, just full'a energy t'day, aren't ya girl? It's a good day to be out and about.” I brushed a hoof along her coat as she shot out from beneath me, tearing across the grass. My grin dissolved as I watched her run. With every flex of her mended leg, there was a hitch in her gait. I rubbed my chest with an absent hoof, but it did nothing for the ache inside. She was well, but my pup wouldn't ever be the same.

I bent and worked the pump a few times, filling the bucket hanging from the faucet. As I guzzled cool water, my eye caught something coming down the road from the gate. Lifting my head and drying my chin on my fetlocks, I squinted against the sun.

"Tacks! Good to see you." I waved my hat at the mare, smiling as she cantered up.

The Manehattanite was dressed in a smart, snug blouse and business-like skirt. They both broadcast a professional air, but the subtle pattern of interlocking T-shaped tacks in the skirt material and bright brass buttons on the blouse kept the outfit warm and engaging.

"Rarity's duds look awful good on you. And where'd you get them fancy shoes?” I drew out the last two words, making a show of gawking at her hooves.

Tacks casually lifted one to give me a closer look. Brown canvas encased her foot, four simple button-and-lace closures keeping the shoe secure, but looked easy to remove with a bit of mouth-work. Patterns worked into the canvas shone with tracings of gold ink, so bright it seemed to flow through their delicate channels.

“Tacks, Ah do declare, you look ready to make everypony at the Grand Galloping Gala feel under-dressed."

Tacks waved away my words, and caught me up in a good hug. "Hush you. How're ya holdin' up, AJ?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Most days ain't bad. Had to change my meds again a few weeks ago, though. The side effects were just too bad."

"Like what, if ya don't mind me prying?"

"Anxiety, loss of appetite, and headaches. Ah can't really afford to not-eat, not with the amount of work Ah do, and anxiety on top of not-eating puts me right back on the path to burnin' another hole in mah stomach. So Ah've been stepping down the old stuff. Doc put me on something else last week."

"And?" Tacks prodded me. "Feelin' gloomy?"

"Ah'm a mite low on energy, and...” I scratched my mane before replacing my hat, “the days do look pretty gray. But it takes some time for the stuff to build up in your body. I'll give it another week before Ah start to get really mopey about it," I winked. "At least that whole tax mess went away, thanks in no small part to you. Word is that Princess Celestia's doin' some studies before they try puttin' anything like _that_ together again."

"Heh, you're in much bettah shape than when we were sleepin' in yer bahn. Speakin' of," she waved to the barn and generally the whole farm. "Think you're gonna be okay on this front too?"

I nodded. "Ah think so. Most of the plottin' we did doesn't really bear fruit for awhile, but we took a couple jars of last year's zap apple harvest, with Rarity's labels, around some Canterlot boutiques'n markets. We got contracts agreein' to buy whatever we manage to make at four times what we normally sell for!" I grinned, lifting a hoof to 'shield' my mouth as I stage-whispered. "I even got 'em all to agree to keep a stack of Sweet Apple Acres tourism brochures to pass out."

Tacks whistled, and went for a hoof-bump. "Ya gettin' to be one devious businessmare, AJ. So y'just gotta hold on till da next zap apple harvest then?"

"Yep, and we can do that. This is the year we turn things around.” I hoped I sounded as confident as I kept telling myself to be. “Ah just...Ah hope we're still talkin' when it's over.”

Tacks squinted. “Huh? What, you'n me? Whaddya—“

I waved a hoof at her. “No, me and mah family. They've been, they've been great, y'know? But patience runs out. Even the strongest pony can only pull so much of the load.”

Tacks sucked air through her teeth, wincing. “You, uh, have a big fight or somethin'?”

“Nah, it's...the opposite really. Kinda ignorin' me. Ah wonder if he thinks by not lookin' at me he won't think about me, won't dwell on me, and won't get as mad.”

She brushed a ladybug off her blouse. “Have you sat down? Talked about dis?”

I shook my head. “Just been lettin' him be, seeing as how it seems that's what he wants.”

Tacks nudged my shoulder with a hoof. “As a sister, y'should know whether or not lettin' things stew is gonna work or not. Is it?”

“No. It won't.” I sighed. “Ah'll talk to him. Apologize. Get him to tell me if Ah forget somethin' 'stead of just taking care of it himself. Mac can be a little bit of a martyr like that. Anyways. How's business treatin' you two?"

Tacks accepted the change of subject with just a raised brow. "As Rarity would say, marvelously. Since she stahted carrying our shoes, she can't even keep 'em on the shelves. Since we coordinate with the outfits she makes, they usually sell togetha.” Tacks spun in place, letting her skirt flare. “We can't do that in our own shop a'course, but we can stock a greatah variety, an' Rarity promised to send customahs our way. Couldn't really ask for bettah advertising than that."

I grinned and shook my head. "No sirree. M'glad things're working out for you."

"Oh! Pinkie gave me this to give ya, since I was headin' over anyways." Tacks slipped an envelope out from the waist of her skirt and hoofed it over.

I tore it open and pulled a glitter-splashed card from inside, multi-colored letters inviting me to Pinkie's latest bash. Inside was a message, and a lock of straight pink hair tied to the left flap.

_Applejack,_  
 _You're invited to my it's-finally-spring-and-I-can-switch-back-from-snowcones-to-ice-cream party! This is also a little experiment. If you want to come, like, really_ really _want to come to the party, I think that means you're doing better. And if you do want to come, I'll know, and you'll know I know! Oh, the party is tomorrow night at six at Sugarcube Corner!_

I tipped up my hat to scratch my head, puzzling over the hair in the card. I decided that yes, I did want to go. Home was safe, routine was safe, and I could usually count on my chores not to trigger any real blows to my mood these days, but... I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to catch up with ponies, drink some punch, play a silly game and get away from the farm for a bit, even if it meant I'd see somepony who'd give me an odd look or I'd overhear a mean-spirited whisper. Even if it meant a few more ounces of resentment from Mac. My friends were more than worth that trade.

As my decision gelled in my thoughts, the hair in the card convulsed, curling so violently it bent the card in half. I stared, then let out a laugh that hitched at the end, two tears pooling and sliding swiftly down my cheeks.

"You okay, AJ?" Tacks glanced down at the card, still open in my hoof. "Is that, uh, a ransom note?"

"N-no, Ah'm fine Tacks. Just real excited about a party tomorrow."

"Need some pahty shoes? I could hook ya up. Ya need all the help ya can get, freckle-face." Tacks pinched my cheek, and I swatted her, smiling.

"Keep that up and Ah'll make ya help with plantin' today. Doubt you'd stay in Rarity's good graces long after messin' up that outfit doin' _honest_ work again!" I plucked at Tacks' blouse, distracted a second by the realization that the stitchwork actually changed between silver and brass with every other stitch. How in the wide world of Equestrian sports did she do that?

"Eh, dirt washes out. Race ya to the west orchard, ya whiny layabout!"

Tacks galloped off, and I scrambled to set the card atop a rain barrel, weighted down with a rock, before following. I reared up, hooves stabbing the air, and launched into pursuit.

Cool, fresh grass whispered beneath my hooves. A light breeze rolled over my coat. The sun soaked into me like a warm syrup. While I ran, feeling my blood pump and my lungs work, I reveled in my positive mental affirmations to go with the physical ones I felt.

I was worthy of love, my family and friends loved me, and I was _good_ at what I did. These ideas were my weapons I wielded against the hordes of inner voices that plagued me. I had had to infuse those weapons with truth, to affirm them for them to be useful, but that hadn't been as hard as I'd expected. The evidence was close at hoof, after all, and I had witnesses I trusted to back it all up. Armed with those thoughts, it was far easier to come out on top when doubt, fear, and shame tried to pull me down into the abyss.

While I dodged trees and scattered leaves in my wake, racing through a patchwork of sun and shadow beneath the orchard canopy, I suspected that my future would be no different: a mix of light and darkness. Everyone dealt with both in their lives, but where most would run over a dark spot and feel a chill, as many of those spots were pits as they were solid ground for me.

It would be easy to give up, give in and hide away, but I'd refused that path. My friends had helped pull me back from that brink. I wanted to live my life, pitfalls and all. I had won this latest battle, and with the help of those I loved I would keep winning them.

I overtook Tacks just as we reached the wagon, where Mac and Apple Bloom had finished unloading the first few saplings. I watched my brother and sister light up at the sight of our friend, Apple Bloom a veritable sparkler, Mac the steady and subdued glow of a lantern.

They were so much more than I deserved, in a way, but I'd learned to accept it. I would do the same for them, give up my last breath, my last drop of blood to keep them safe and sound. Apple Bloom had grown up so much through my struggle, and that both stung and swelled my heart.

Tacks clambered up onto the wagon with Apple Bloom, and I hurried into position with Mac to catch the saplings they tossed down. Tacks' and Apple Bloom's teeth seized and released the burlap sacks wrapped around each tiny tree's root ball, swinging their necks to propel them our way.

Soil, a bit of sweat, sunshine, the smell of tree bark and fresh new leaves filled my head. I felt like I could work for days, high on a drug like this, riding the wave of spring's bright unfurling.

One sapling, whose slender branches described a T-shape, reminded me of a certain sign sitting unused in the barn.

"What do y'all say to a bonfire tonight?"


End file.
